Familiar Comfort

I don't even know where to start. This post has been on my draft since January but I never had the courage to finish it. But since you've already made the call, it's water under the bridge now.

I dedicate this post to my colleagues (you know who you are) and to the beautiful city that forever holds a special place in my heart. I may forget what I did there in detail and what my life was like back there, but trust me, the feeling lasts forever in my heart, it's called comfort. And I'm never afraid to admit to people or whoever read this that yes, my life has been comfortable and it doesn't mean I'm weak. I'm sorry if yours are not. And here's a tribute to people who have made it all possible as a sign of gratitude, respect, and love.

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Flashback - 6mo ago

I remember saying "If I got accepted, I will feel happy but not sure about the responsibility that comes along with it. If I don't get accepted, maybe I will be sad, but I'm glad because that means I can spend more time with you. Then, you replied, "I hope you get accepted. You will handle the responsibility better than the disappointment." It's just one of the many times you encourage me with positive affirmation, that everything will be fine, I am going to be just fine. 

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Flashback - 2yrs ago

I really like to start my story with flashbacks. Two years ago, I thought I would never return to practice again. My career pause which was meant to be a year stretched into 3 years and I felt too far behind to catch up with the skills and competence that my gold fish memory could retain. I was ready to give up my dream of becoming a neurologist. I was kind of frustrated, but I decided to make dua for a whole month during Ramadhan 2022 for Allah to open a door for me, be it getting a degree or start working again. Anything to get me out of the nothingness. Bear in mind, at that time I wasn't sure what I wanted and I didn't prepare myself for anything. I think it was only a fear of missing out cause I felt stuck while my friends were progressing with their career or their family. At the end of Ramadhan, I saw a job vacancy ads on telegram. With little preparation, I signed up and everything started to fall into places just whoosh like that. Another answered prayer.

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Flashback - Day 1 in Batam 

I remember the second time I set foot on Batam, I was nervous and felt a lil heavy for leaving my comfort zone, Singapore, where my life was hassle-free. Yes, I did take online courses and remote job occasionally, but they weren't long-term commitment. That time I was really into climbing and I was at my peak performance... and I left. Silly me. But again, I thought, the joy of climbing only lasted while the adrenaline's there. Once it's flushed away, I'd go home from the gym feeling empty and underachieving. So I took the big leap and left my dearest Singapore. 

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Flashback - Day 1 at work

As I said, 3 years off the clinical practice made me sweat bucket everytime I go to work. "Will I make a correct diagnosis? Will I remember all the dosage for children? Will the specialist accept my consult?" Fortunately, you had the mercy to place me at the ward for a couple of months and assigned me for low-risk cases instead of loaded me with difficult cases that I wasn't capable of just yet. I don't see this as an underestimation, I see this as a gesture of understanding. Another unexpected turn (but in a good way) was that my old school friend happened to work at the same hospital (Yet, another help from Allah. He knew I needed it). I remember having a premature neonate coming out blue and not breathing and I had to resuscitate and intubate the baby. I was trembling and I wasn't sure I could do it, so I called for help. It was my colleague who responded and he was so ready to lend me a hand. I will never forget that.

Slowly, I made friends with my colleagues. We discussed cases together, we helped each other out when the ED was crowding or when the ward needed more help. I will never forget the breakfast we had every Tuesday morning, I always looked forward to it. We began to bond inside and outside the hospital. We went to the beach, the cafe. We hiked for the first time in my life and I will never forget the excitement that made me lose sleep the night before. We vented and complained about the shitty system (but we did it anyway). We shared our dreams and visions.. All these memories I'll never forget. I feel like when I'm in Batam, the intimacy among my friends, the city, and the nature is palpable. Everything feels more romantic. 

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My presence might be insignificant to you. I'm just like other people who's come and gone in the past. But to me, this whole experience has left a deep impression in my life. You changed the way I see life and relationships. I never imagined a life so peaceful, yet fulfilling. You brought hope into my heart that I will not spend the rest of my life lonely. What did I do in the past to deserve good souls like you as my friends? This mere post doesn't do me justice as I'm struggling to find the right word for my feelings. But you know deep down I miss you terribly. What makes me scared is not knowing whether in 4-5 years when I come back, it will all be the same that we won't grow apart. But, I will be fine, just like you said. Even if one day we reunite but we grow apart, I'm still grateful for the thing we had in the last 2 years. It was real and I'll always cherish that period of my life.

Finally, after coming back and forth with the reality for almost 5 months, I have come to terms that this chapter of my life has ended no matter how hard I try to preserve it. I can only stall the transition, but it will eventually come to an end. It was hard to leave the life you love the most, but there's no other way but to move forward. Looking back, I find it very hard to leave a peaceful mind and genuine friends. But, as you assured me before I left, "You will find comfort and a new family in your new place, Sarah". I believe in that, so let this post be a reminder that if we do good, we'll be a magnet for good people too. Kindness goes a long way. I felt anxious and lonely when I arrived in Batam too, but in the end it turned out to be so good that I'm attached to it. So maybe I would feel the same way when my study ends too. 

I hope you remember me everytime you see coffee, a climbing wall, or a bronze car. I don't know which one hurts more, me leaving you or me being forgotten by you. Till we meet again, my sweet paradise.

Time Does Not Heal

March 2020

I was signed up to the grief club which no one wanted to be a part of. We were there not by choice, yet we were chosen.

I never imagined my life would turn upside down in a split second. One moment I was doing chores in the kitchen, feeling so excited about the day and then my phone beeped just to shatter my world to pieces. I still remember the feeling, the disbelief when I saw the report.. 

My poor husband didn't know what it meant back then. He didn't understand why I froze up and bit my tongue. But in that moment, my thoughts had already traveled to the next 5-10 years of our lives.. Quiet.

I didn't know if I could smile a genuine smile after that day. I didn't know if I could talk about this reality without breaking up. It was a dark, cold day with no end in sight. What made it harder is that people didn't see the scar. 

Tell me.. how can I lose something I never have?

Dec 2023

I didn't know I'd be where I am today (I mean, in a good way). It doesn't hurt so bad like the first time though it still stings sometimes.

No, actually..

It hurts everytime.. 

It hurts every month

But the difference is, now I can smile. The sun shines the same like it has always been, but I can feel its warmth. I even think my life is more meaningful now as I realized that grief and gratitude can co-exist at the same time. A combination I didn't know is totally fine and make sense. And that grief doesn't require you to have someone or something physically taken away from you. It can be a loss of a dream, a future you always wanted. 

It makes me wonder.. what pulled me out of that hole? Does time really heal the pain like people say? 

If I didn't drag my lazy ass to try climbing, would I overcome the dark days and find out that my body is capable of doing amazing things?

If I didn't force myself to apply for the job despite experiencing the lowest self-esteem I ever had in my life, would I ever be where I am today, having the greatest friends that I needed most?

If I didn't pour my heart out and beg for ONE sign.. just ONE sign that my life is worthy.. would I be where I am today? 

Imagine having a wound and you don't clean it, you don't take a proper care for it. Do you think the wound will heal over time or will it get infected?

Time alone is meaningless. It's what we do during that period of time that matters cause it's always about the effort, not the time.

I'm writing this because the next few days will be a life-changing moment for me. Today might or might not be my last shift in the ER in this hospital. Or.. I might have a new addition to my collection of scars. I'm anxious and afraid to fall into the dark, cold place like I did before. 

So this post is a reminder that emotions are temporary. With a little kindness, gratitude, and self-love, you can always walk with the pain. You can wear the failure like a badge on your chest. So, let the reality come, face it and accept it with open arms. What is meant for you will always come to you anyway. I hope your heart will always be full of hope and kindness.

Your score doesn't define you. Your heart does. 

Embrace The Suck

I'm a kind of person who believes that there's always a silver lining in bad things that happen. But I forgot how miserable it feels to sit with negative emotions until today. I forgot how demoralizing it is to face self-disdain, when I act the way I always hate when other people do it, that is when one becomes an egocentric-know-it-all person.

After letting it sink for quite some time, I admit that I had probably not taken the wisest decision, nor had I handle my ego well last night. I let my ego blur the line between being brave and being reckless, between trying to save people and trying to prove myself, and between not wanting to let people down and wanting people to respect me. I can't believe I'm disgusted by my own actions. 

Right now it seems so tempting to talk to a friend who would listen to my side of the story and defend me. But I realize that an external validation only nourishes victim mentality, another trait that I really dislike. What I actually need right now is to sit with this feeling defenseless, embrace it, own it.. own my mistake and grow. 

The truth it, I wouldn't be this miserable if what he said wasn't true. I don't care if he calls me names. Anyone can call me anything, I don't care. But I care about my mistake that he pointed out and how it might actually be true. And to make things worse, I let my prejudice got in the way by judging instead of listening to my friends. A mistake I swore to never make, be biased. 

It occurs to me that maybe the reason why I feel so proud of myself is because I'm losing my connection with Allah, therefore I feel able and self-reliant. Maybe I forgot that human is flawed and weak and needs God to depend on. So here I am cleaning up this mess, first and foremost, with istighfar.. for letting You down, for depending on me instead of You alone. Thank You for sending me signals to come home to You when I'm starting to lose my way in this world. 

Then of course, I couldn't shake this feeling away by making him a villain. So Mr. Samurai, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for keeping me grounded and pruning my ego. I truly appreciate it, I really do. The wounded me right now may have a hard time seeing it through but I believe the future me will be very grateful it happened this way. And to my friends, I'm sorry if I've been a arsehole. I would be really glad if you'd maybe give me a chance to start over? 

Lastly, to the girl I see in the mirror. As much as you hate to be counted out of the equation, you must count people in. Their view and opinion matters. Their side of the story matters regardless of who they are. I know it seems like the worst timing to feel miserable about yourself when you need to focus on another thing, but trust me, this is actually the perfect timing to re-center your moral compass. Last night was insane and you've done your best. No one could have survived it better than you. 

You might have made a bad decision but you are NOT a bad person <3 

"She was warm, forgiving, and kind"

When I was younger, I had always been a type-A person. I was determined to reach my goal, aspired to be the best whenever possible and took a real hard blow when I failed. I held fast to my principle and spoke up whenever I saw something wrong. I was verbal and sometimes caught up in a debate. Everything was good and went according to plan, I achieved so many things. My dad was proud of me and I was hungry for more achievements. I wanted to be an alpha girl. 

Three years ago my life took a nosedive and everything changed. As "life happened", I realized how misguided I was and my mindset shifted over time. I guess when we lose something so precious in life, the world doesn't matter that much anymore. All I want is to reunite with my loved ones and I need to find a way to get there. 

I realized that being "worldly" successful, as in the definition of success by most of our society, is not the answer I'm searching for. Not only that it benefits just so little, I'm also afraid that I might hurt some people in the process (though unintentionally). So I did a lot of reflections and I came to a point where I thought I couldn't stay the same person I was. I wanted to do something fulfilling, something that would fill the void in my heart and give my life a different meaning. And I could only feel it when I share with other people. 

Interestingly, it doesn't have to be an item that I share, it can be feelings, emotions, and passion. And I could only do this when I open up my heart and my action, something I later discovered as kindness. Kindness will lighten up people's heart and inspire them to pray to Allah for our goodness. Maybe then He'll forgive my sin and let me be with my loved ones. 

In my early days of grief, I almost lost my purpose but there's one question that kept me grounded and helped me stay on track :

"How do I want to be remembered after I die"

Through a lot of contemplation of life, I realized that I don't want people to remember me as an alpha girl who's always right and perfect no matter how heartless she is (this actually hit me like a ton of bricks.. and I'm kind of embarrassed to remember how eager I was to fit into this description at that time). Rather, I want to be remembered as a person whose presence brings smile, warmth, and security in another person. I want to be remembered as someone who's kind and gentle. I can't say I'm there yet, there's still a lot of work to do and I'm struggling. There are also times where being kind is just too taxing (emotionally).. 

In my attempts to be kind, I observe some facts and I want to share it here as a reminder for me too.

1. Being kind to strangers is easy. Being kind to someone we know is a different level.

When I say I want to be a kind person, I don't mean a person who gives out charity to the orphanage or beggars on the street. That also included, but the kindness I emphasize is the kindness to people I'm close with. There's a fact that the closer the people to us, the more challenging it is for us to be kind to them. Why? First, because we expect something in return. We want them to sacrifice as much as we do. When they don't meet our expectation, we get upset and we stop being kind because we think "what's the point?" It's a take-and-give situation. Second, because we know their flaws and for that, we think they don't deserve our kindness.

But it's a whole different story with strangers. We don't expect anything from them. It's a give-and-go situation (more like a hit-and-run hehe). You don't know their reactions whether they reject your act of kindness or acknowledge it, and don't expect them to lend their hands when you need them in the future. Your brain will remember this as a happy moment forever. No expectation broken.

  

2. Begin with the intention and let the intention be YOU 

The only thing that will keep you consistent in being kind is when you do it for yourself and for your inner peace. I don't mean to be kind with hope that people will give something to you. If that's the case, you're being kind for them (to make them happy enough to reward you in return). Although it might sound altruistic, it's not a strong foundation because you can never control other people's reaction. And letting our motivation depend on something so volatile like that is the recipe for inconsistency. What I mean with "let the intention be you" is to be kind because you deserve inner peace. Not because they're kind, but because YOU are kind. You are freeing yourself from expectation that is prone to disappointment.  

For example : you have a colleague whom you find difficult to be kind to because of his/her attitude. If you're kind because of you and for the sake of your inner peace, you will continue to treat him/her with respect NOT because you approve their behavior, NOT because you are weak, NOT because you are scared.. BUT because :

You are STRONG therefore you resist to bite when you have the power to. You act, not react.

You have such a HIGH standard of integrity that even mere people's cruel behavior towards you won't let you stoop down to their level.  

Of course there are some conditions where you have to stand up and fight:

1. If your rights have been violated 

2. If people's lives are physically at stake

3. (this one is my personal opinion) If it's gonna impact your life significantly at least in the next 3 years

Other than those 3, if some people are just messing or hurting my ego, then I am not biting.

3. Being kind is the most selfish thing you can do

One thing I learn from this journey is that being kind is an act of selflove. How can it not? 

I thought I make other people happy by sharing and being kind, but in fact I'm doing something that brings me fulfillment, happiness, and... if i'm lucky.. like-minded friends and their loyalty to me. 

But most importantly, I believe in the reward Allah has promised for kind people in the afterworld. And trust me.. Even if your kindness is disapproved by other people, the goodness will find its way back to you one way or another. It's God's words not mine (QS 17:7)

4. If you have to choose between being right and being kind, choose kind

If you choose to be kind, you will always be right. WHY?

The fact is, in most situations, there's no clear line between black and white. There's always 2 sides of the story. You may think something is wrong based on your perspective, but add in x,y,z factors then it becomes acceptable. Also, being wrong is part of learning, that's how we grow, and you'll always have an army of friends who'll support you if you're kind. However, if your relationship with people goes sour, quite frankly, no one will back you up if you mess up. 

Being kind here means you always try to maintain a positive emotion and empathy with other people. It doesn't mean you cannot correct someone else if they are in the wrong, especially if it involves other people's lives. But you can always tell them with kindness, not with anger and revenge like saying "i told you so". If it's not so important matter, then you can always just be kind. You may be right, but you may not be the right person to tell them.

I recently faced a situation where I wanted to give up being kind to someone because I had enough of his/her attitude. It frustrated me, angered me... so I sit down and write.. I hope whenever I feel like being kind is not worth it, I come back to this article and realign my mind again. Cause I will never know how far my kindness will go. What I know is that kindness will create a ripple effect where the person I'm being kind to will be kind to other people, and so on. 

Always remember, be kind not because other people are kind, but because YOU are.

The Little Things

In this quiet, overcast afternoon, you are here sleeping next to me. Your gentle breath touches my cheeks, your arms wrapped around my neck, as we lie hopelessly close to each other. I can hear your heartbeat in my ears over your chest. I could stare at your beautiful face all day. 

And then you open your eyes and tell me how beautiful I am. I smile back and look at our surroundings.

There's not a single day goes by without me thinking how blessed and lucky we are. That we have everything we need right within our reach. We have freedom to choose. We have time. 

And I have you.

The fact that you're here with me, breathing and living, is the greatest gift I can never get enough of. If one day we have to part, I wish it was just temporary. I pray to God to grant us health so we can live together for as long as we're allowed to. But if our time runs out, I hope that I have the strength to take care of you and make sure there's not a day that I live without showing you my love. I just hope it is strong enough to erase all your aches. 

So, focus on the little things we have. 

If we keep counting our blessing, we'll realize how many of our prayers have been answered.

Our life is perfect and don't let other people tell us otherwise.

Face Your Fear

A couple of days ago during my shift in the ER, a girl was brought in unconscious, or so the teacher said. She passed out suddenly during her class at school without prior complaint/symptom. At the ER, her vitals were stable, blood glucose was okay, all other physical examination was insignificant. I applied painful stimuli on her chest to try to wake her up which she did instantly. We gave her space and time to compose herself. Later on, we discovered she was having anxiety over a subject which was not actually her 'forte'. She was discharged fully awake but rather embarrassed, I guess. To top it off, my colleague told her, "when we have problems, we face it"

This is one of common malingering cases we face in the ER. I know my colleague meant well, but I always try not to preach or judge a fragile teenager straightforwardly (although I think she slightly deserved it for making people worried).

However, in this case I think I could empathize with her easily because I understand how it feels to have fears. Most of the time, it's not physical threats that we fear (like death & accident). It's everything that may demean our values that we fear the most. 

When we analyze our emotions, it's crucial that we understand our values first. In my simple terms, values are standards that we consider important and desire to achieve/be. It may vary from person to person, depending on their environment when they grow up, their role model, friends, etc. It may shift over time too as we get more mature or as more life events happen that change our direction.

I was raised by parents who concern about academic achievement (just like other parents, I assume). All my childhood I was indoctrinated that a good life starts from doing well in school. Then maybe, I could get into my desired major in a good uni. Then maybe, I could have a high-paying job. Then maybe, my prospective husband might be from an equally high socio-eco class either. Then, I could grow a family as I wish and prepare for a peaceful retirement. Of course, this is just one aspect of a good life. My parents also told me that I must develop noble characters & soft skills because we always need other people inevitably so interpersonal relationship is just as crucial.  

So, being a successful, well-rounded person has always been my value. I have to be smart but humble, serious but humorous, nerdy but sporty. modern but religious, all at the same time. It felt manageable at first, during my school-age, even during the first couple years of my uni days. Until my cohort became more specific and alike, i had a lot of work to handle and it was no longer possible to hold the idealistic idea of being "a perfect person" anymore. 

Before I finally succumbed to the fact that it's okay to not be perfect, I was always in an anxious state of failing everything; fail to get good grades, fail as a leader in a student body, fail to have any circle of friends that I belong to because they think I'm a freak, fail to win a scholarship, etc.

It's funny how every single one of my fears came true :)

I've been told that I'm dumb, incompetent, too stiff, selfish, mean, heartless by other people. I've been cursed publicly while people were staring and it was too shameful to remember. I've been rejected sooo many times. When it all happened, my values of being a perfect person was shaken. I have failed to meet the standard I made for myself. I became even more afraid and traumatize to experience the same disturbing feeling again. So I became more cautious and avoidant. I didn't want to do things unless I was confident enough to nail it. To be pretty honest, I'm never confident enough in everything I do haha! In the end, I never tried to do anything anymore. And without me realizing, it became a vicious cycle. 

My paradigm changed when I heard the concept of growth mindset. Simply put, our current state is not permanent. We can always grow and adapt as long as we want to try. Instead of focusing on the result, we need to focus more on the effort. Try not to put the end result as your core value. For example;

Instead of "I have to be smart", try "I want to stay curious"

Instead of "I have to make friends", try "I want to listen to people better"

So, whenever the outcome does not go according to plan, you can always say that the name is also effort (namanya juga usaha :)) Jokes aside, when we are effort-oriented, we depend our identity on progress rather than a fixed thing, therefore we are less stressed out or depressed.

Once I began to embrace this growth mindset, I started to try things that are out of my comfort zone. Of course I got to experience the uncomfortable feelings of not knowing things, adapting to new environment, facing challenging cases questioning my decision, being judged not good enough, getting less sleep and free time, etc. Not gonna lie, I almost gave up. But whenever it happen, I ensure myself that I'm not done yet, I'm a work in progress. Stay curious, ask, watch, listen, take notes, and evaluate. Be vulnerable. If you find toxic people along the way, just mind your own business. If they meddle with your life, just know that toxic people are there for a reason, to give you a life lesson. And if you can't find the courage to do things out of your comfort zone, just do it scared! Because our brain's main job is to keep us safe, not to keep us happy. So it exaggerates threats and makes it scarier to keep us alive when in fact, the threats are not that dangerous. 

Last but most important, always ask for guidance from Allah. He is the Best Disposer of all affairs. Whenever I'm anxious, I always ask myself, "and then, what?' all the way until I have no answer, nothing but Allah to depend on. Then, my mind would stop racing because I know He is there to catch me when I fall and pick me up when I'm down and He is the Best Planner. 

So.. that's how our comfort zone grows. Things that are used to be frightening will not be as scary anymore. And slowly you'll arrive at your destination!

Is Medicine Worth Pursuing?

Hello! Well I guess, it's about time for me to start writing again. I'm in dire need to get my mind straight and channel my old-friend anxiety into writings like I did during school and uni days.

There's a lot of things in my head that need to get out, but obviously I can't put them here altogether and make this writing lose its purpose. So, after reflecting on my thoughts and feelings for quite some time, I came up with this one big question I've been asking myself all along.

Is Medicine Worth All My Sacrifice?

Medicine is a grueling profession in which you are expected to show the best version of yourself all the time. As a doctor, you are looked up to a lot... by patients, by colleagues.. essentially everyone. There's almost no room for you to look confused and certainly no room to look dumb. 

Little do people understand, medicine is an everchanging profession and being a doctor is a life-long learning career. There will always be a knowledge gap.. something we cannot do. Meanwhile, we have this huge responsibility where other people's lives are at stake. 

I have been in a position where I feel powerless and feel not good enough no matter how hard I've tried. That feeling of not being good enough kills me inside and my toxic trait is that I cannot get over it overnight. The guilt and shame still haunts me and it's a perfect energy & happiness sucker. 

Have you ever made mistake and your mind constantly replay it in your head, making you relive the embarrassing moment from time to time? Well I have. I find myself stuck in a repeated loop of negative thoughts. But I believe I'm not the only one doing this, so.. you're welcome! (you should thank me for saying it out loud so you can validate your feelings :))

I thought, with more experience I will get used to this feeling. I'm partly right, though. I'm more used to it now, but it still feels terrible. It's uncomfortable to swallow my pride and admit my limitation.. This is usually where my imposter syndrome kicks in. But after talking to my husband, who's basically my shrink, the key is that I need to learn to read people so I get better at choosing whom I can be vulnerable with and ask for help. And that's where my learning curve goes exponential. A little tricks I figured myself, is I always tell myself that I am a work in progress :)

The pressure in medicine just doesn't stop there. But perhaps this one only applies in hospital/academic setting. It's an ancient human behavior, probably influenced by the colonial era... i present you... senior to junior abusive behavior aka bullying.

Why do senior doctors like to treat their junior or other staff (like nurse) badly? What's in it for them? Does it boost their ego? Is yelling and shouting necessary to create an effective communication? AREN'T WE A TEAM?

No matter how hard I try to justify their action in so many ways, there's not a single valid reason to talk to anyone in a disrespectful manner. I've experienced it first-hand and that time I was too stunned to speak. This type of person is manipulative, they like to use deceptive language to make you believe that you are at fault. They like to point fingers at others and make others feel guilty. I'm so tired of this kind of drama. Can we just leave our ego at the door and come to work as a team? But you know.. if this happens in a workplace, it's actually a sign of a failing management team and the HR department is probably closing one eye.

I cannot wrap my head around people who feel they are more superior than others.. that they have the right to control other people. Have you ever thought that :

1. The knowledge you have is not yours? In fact, nothing is ours. Allah can take whatever it is on us whenever He pleases. What if He suddenly gives you a stroke and you lose all the intelligence and skills you're very proud of? What if you're involved in an accident and become permanently disabled all in a blink of an eye? How would you feel to be on the other end that you abuse?

2. Does it ever occur to you that one day you're probably gonna need those juniors in your old days? One day you're gonna get old and you're probably gonna be treated by the junior doctors who make it into residency and becomes a geriatrician? or maybe one of your grandchildren has congenital anomaly and the only one who's competent to handle it is your junior doctor who turns to be a pediatric surgeon? 

With all the pressure, is it worth it to keep pursuing this career?

To be fair, I must explain the joy and the bright side of medicine too. 

I must say, I like seeing people and talk to them. But at the same time, I just realized that I like working with my hands. The thing is.. medicine has many branches. For now, my heart tells me to stay a bit longer, to pull through in the clinical setting. While I'm praying and waiting for a sign from Allah of which path to choose: bedside or non-bedside? or might as well pursue my climbing career?

I'm grateful that Allah has provided me with good sustenance, so I won't have to make a tough decision on my career, in a sense that I've nothing to lose if I resign from this job because I don't rely on it to earn money. I pray and pray that He always keeps my heart full in my high and low days. I pray to Him to keep me surrounded with good people and away from the bad ones. I pray to Him to protect me  from doing bad thing/zhalim to other people, including my patients and my colleagues cause wallahi, I hate people who are zhalim to others. 

And my mind is at peace whenever I remember Him because I know He won't desert me. I'm not the curer, but He is. And I always pray to Allah to give me the strength and ability to help whoever needs my help.

So, with the mental-health toll, high pressure + high risk work environment, and limited time for personal life... is medicine still worth it?

For now, my heart says it's still worth it. 

That's all for now. Don't hesitate to share your thoughts and leave a comment down below!

This Is Me Trying by T Swift

This song represents my current state. It resonates with my soul on every level and though it makes me sad, it makes me have a good cry, an outlet to all my emotional burden. She is, no-doubt, the best lyricist this generation ever had. 

Here are some of my favorite lines :

"I had the shiniest wheels now they're rusting" : I was so confident and happy, until my life became a tragedy. All the infertility and rejections.. drowned me. I was so naive to think that I was meant for a bigger plan, that some other doors are open for me because some doors are permanently closed. but now I'm not so naive anymore. I don't think I'll ever believe in happy ending anymore. 

"I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere " : this is basically me right now, I was way ahead of anyone else, or at least I thought so.. only to realized that I was running in circle which took me back to square one. 

"It's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound. It's hard to be anywhere at all when all I want is you": apparently I still have some healing to do before I can ever face the world again. I've been socially isolating myself from people I knew. They didn't do anything wrong. It's just that I'm not ready to face the reality that I will never be the same old person they used to know. The old me is gone, the same time I learned that I may never have children of my own.  

Thank you Taytay for making me feel seen and heard. And for those currently suffering in silence, i feel you, i see you. please don't hesitate to reach me out. I might not be the best listener or problem-solver, but at least we won't suffer alone. 

-----------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------

This Is Me Trying 

I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here
Pourin' out my heart to a stranger
But I didn't pour the whiskey

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

And it's hard to be at a party
When I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days
When all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel
On the one screen in my town

And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying (maybe I don't quite know what to say)
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

Getting A Grip

Hello, guys! I finally have a chance to write again.

It's been 3 months since I moved to this beautiful paradise and I'm finally getting a grip of myself. As I mentioned before, it's a rather slow city. I thought I'd bore myself to death. Truth is, as I stepped out of my comfort zone, I began to perceive this situation differently.

Batam is a city of newcomers with a rate of 70%. In fact, as I am writing this blog thread in a decent local coffee shop, a lady sitting next to me is talking about her struggle adapting to the new environment with her friend. Apparently, she just moved from Singapore just like me! Sorry, I don't mean to eavesdrop, I guess I just have bionic ears :D So, to stitch it all together, I'm not the only one who suffers culture shock on this island!

I am a kind of kinetic person, so my boredom remedy has to be something physical. guess what? I tried an exciting sport, wall climbing!!! I first tried climbing when I was in Singapore (in October). I wish I had tried it as early as I arrived in Singapore so I'd have had much time experimenting. When I moved to Batam, I was low-spirited cause I couldn't find any climbing gyms like the ones in Singapore. However, Indonesia does have a federation for climbers. It is called the Federasi Panjat Tebing Indonesia/ Indonesia Wall Climbing Federation (FPTI). I followed their instagram account. And to my surprise, they do have FPTI branch Batam. I was enthusiastic cause I knew if they have FPTI branch, they must have some climbing venue to train. And I was right.

I contacted the secretary of FPTI Batam which I found on their web. She was actually astounded as to how could I find her number. She thought I was an athlete or something hahaha.. you bet.
So, I came to this neighborhood climbing venue. It is located in Kampung Air, Batam Center. It was built by a former athlete who now works in Batam. Those who live around the climbing wall are also climbers. I was amazed by how their world revolve around this wall. It's not a grand wall, not an indoor one but it's not bad to keep us practicing. However, if we ever want to succeed in a competition, we certainly need more than this.


This is how Venue Panjat Tebing Kampung Air looks like :

I was very happy to see it and to be welcomed by FPTI Batam. They provided everything I needed, shoes, chalk (though I do not use it cause I was still suck at climbing :p).

A couple of weeks later, my husband gave me a treat of 1 bouldering session in Singapore! I was ecstatic. We went bouldering with his office climbing club at Boulder+. Here's how it looks like:

As I knew I wouldn't get much bouldering opportunity, I tried my best to finish every route possible without a break! I worn myself out. Until I fell an unexpected fall and tear my right knee meniscus :"). I only knew 1 week later when all the pain on my body had subsided except for one on my right knee. Fortunately, my joint is stable which means the tear may not be substantial. I put on knee support most of the time as soon as I realized my meniscus was torn. After 1 week, it has progressed fast. Until my husband and I decided to go to Jakarta to visit my family. I knew I wouldn't get much climbing opportunity in a decent gym like those in Jakarta and Singapore, so I invited my nephews and niece over for a climb in Bremgra. I restricted myself only for rope climbing, as I wanted to avoid putting pressure on my right knees. I also wore my knee support to prevent second injury.

However, meniscus is very prone to injury and it takes weeks to fully recovered. Most of the time, it doesn't heal as new but our body just adapt to the injury and get used to the pain. Several days after the last climb, I had a bad knee again. This time I want to be patient. I want to wait and restrict physical activity for at least 4 weeks. I'm gonna focus on building up my hamstring and quadriceps muscles as well as my upper body muscles to get myself stronger for climbing.

Apart from climbing, I signed up for an IELTS preparatory class just so my brain won't freeze. The class is twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday from 6pm - 9pm. So far, I really enjoy the class since I've always enjoyed learning languages. Besides, I need an IELTS score to apply for a postgraduate program. Meanwhile, I have also sent my job application to local hospitals. I'm waiting to be contacted for an interview. Please wish me the best!

The fear of being left behind

Hi readers.. it's been years since I posted an article on my blog

Many things have changed during the last 3 years:
1. I have finished my medical study (so now I'm a licensed doctor..!! isn't that scary? :o)
2. I am married to a man of my dream (still have no kid, though)
3. I have moved from my lovely, jammed-everyday city --Jakarta-- to a nice, small island called Batam (google it! it's located just beside Singapore)

In a flash, it seems like I'm following "the ideal pathway" of an Asian girl : be a doctor, married at 25, live in a paradise island. But no..

I'm still thankful to God for giving me the best life I could ever wanted. But, adult-ing is surely not that easy.

The thing is.. I have not applied for any job currently. Why?! --> It's been 5 months since the last time I practiced my medical skill because I had to live in Singapore for a while, but I cannot practice there due to the regulation and stuff. You know, medicine -just like any other knowledge, follows the rule of "use it or lose it". I'm kinda like, losing my confidence a little bit and I just want to refresh my skill and knowledge before I get in gear again. But it turns out, I'm kinda stuck in my comfort zone (somebody please pull me up from this black hole :( )

But you know, living in a small island like Batam.. there aren't many thing you can do. Well actually there are.. but, not as much as I have back in Jakarta. It's where my alma mater is, I have a lot of network to create any project. But here, I'm starting over from scratch and the idea just scares me.
Believe me, I tried to make friends.. But the fear crept in again.

This is when I realize the importance of self control and determination. Where does all of my motivation go? Did I leave it in Jakarta? Did it fade away in Singapore?

It seems like I'm using so much excuses which I swore I'd never make. I did try to apply scholarships but got turned down several times, I did try to submit my work in a competition but still no luck. I think I'm kinda exhausted from all the rejections that I received and I slowly became 'numb' to my ambitious dreams and goals, stucked in my comfort zone where I will never have to taste failure. Meanwhile, I saw my friends' progressing with their lives; having a job, hanging out with a few best friends, raising up adorable children, participating in prestigious conferences, pursuing a master degree in a reputable university, etc (thanks for dragging me here, inst*gr*m)

I'm lying if I say I do not envy them. But it's not their achievements that I envy of. It's the energy and determination to keep doing the things they love. Meanwhile, look at me.. I'm a useless scholar that can't even reproduce. It's only the beginning of 2020 but I'm already feeling desperate.

I know that sooner or later I'm going to catch up again, but baby steps this time. It's just not me to live in a self-disdain like this forever. But I'm documenting this feeling cause I know at some point in our lives, bad things happen and it's okay. It's just life. Yea, I'm feeling crappy today but not for the rest of my life.

Si Peminta

Modul Kulit adalah modul yang terkenal detil dan perfeksionis. Belum saja modul dimulai, jadwal ujian beserta penguji sudah keluar saja di hari pertama. Gemetar tubuh ini saat aku melihat jadwal pengujiku. Kami diuji oleh 2 penguji. Salah satu pengujiku masuk di daftar penguji "red flag", istilah penguji killer yang perlu diwaspadai versi anak FK.

"Dek, kamu kurang doa ya?" bahkan seorang PPDS berkata demikian kepada teman saya yang sama-sama mendapat penguji killer. Ah..masa iya? pikirku dalam hati.

Hari demi hari terus berlalu hingga Bulan Ramadhan pun tiba. Ujian kami memang diselenggarakan di awal bulan suci ini.

Sementara itu, hari demi hari bayangan penguji killer itu muncul di benakku. Setiap berbuka dan setelah qiyamulail aku berdoa, "Ya Allah.. permudahlah jalanku untuk menyelesaikan pendidikan ini. Lunakkanlah hati pengujiku, kalau perlu ganti pengujiku dengan penguji lain yang lebih baik hati, ya Allah"

Setiap hari doa itu aku panjatkan. Awal mula aku meminta, doa itu terdengar kekanak-kanakan sekali, ke duniawi-an sekali. Seperti anak kecil yang merengek minta mainan ke orang tuanya. memalukan.
Aku tau, seharusnya kalau mau lulus ujian ya harus belajar keras. Kalau tidak lulus, berarti usahaku kurang keras. Pikiran ini membuatku sungkan berdoa kepada Allah. Namun, aku sungguh tidak ingin mengulang dan memperlama studiku. Alhasil doa ini selalu terselip di antara doa-doa yang aku panjatkan setiap berbuka.

Menjelang ujian, aku benar-benar risih. Aku suruh semua orang yang ada di rumah untuk mendoakan keberhasilan ku. Aku meminta kakakku untuk membantuku belajar. Ya, aku terkadang se-khawatir itu.

Saat hari H ujian, aku datang lebih pagi dari biasanya. Kami yang diuji dengan dosen yang sama duduk berdekatan sambil mengulang-ulang materi yang akan diuji. Menjelang waktu yang akan ditentukan, penguji redflag ini berjalan melewati kami menuju ke tempat ujian. Deg!

Jantungku berdegub sangat kencang. kedua kaki ku lemas. peluh bercucuran di sekujur tubuhku. Dalam kegentingan ini, tak hentinya aku berbisik kepada Allah "ya Allah, mudahkan..mudahkan. Lembutkanlah ia hari ini ya Allah". Aku benar-benar seputus asa itu.. Mungkin karena aku memiliki banyak pengalaman diuji oleh dosen paling killer se-departemen dan beberapa di antaranya tidak berjalan mulus.

Satu persatu urutan sebelumku dipanggil masuk ke ruang ujian. Aku urutan terakhir. Setelah 30 menit, urutan pertama keluar. "baik bangettt njiirr.. dan cepet banget. sumpah baik bangett bener-bener baik." tutur temanku yang urutan pertama itu. Setelah itu, temanku urutan kedua dan ketiga juga berkata demikian. Mereka terheran-heran karena apa yang mereka rasakan berbeda dengan "cerita-cerita" teman-teman kami di rombongan sebelumnya.

Hingga akhirnya temanku urutan keempat dipanggil masuk. Penguji redflag kami pergi ke toilet kemudian tampak mengangkat panggilan telepon. Lama beliau berbincang melalui telepon nya. Setelah menutup panggilan, beliau bergegas menjauhi ruang ujian. Beliau berjalan dan terus berjalan hingga punggungnya tak lagi dapat kulihat, menghilang dibalik tembok. Beliau pergi.

Tinggallah satu penguji di dalam ruang ujian. Penguji yang menurut banyak orang adalah penguji yang sangat baik. Alhamdulillah ujian dapat kulalui dengan lancar.

Selesai ujian, tak henti-hentinya aku mengucapkan syukur. Allah mengabulkan kedua doaku sekaligus!! Di luar dugaan, pengujiku sangat baik sekali saat menguji teman-temanku. Dan yang kedua, aku sungguh tak mengira pengujiku akan diganti. Allah memang selalu memiliki cara untuk menolong hambaNya bahkan saat kita berpikir tidak mungkin sekalipun.

Aku teringat sebuah ceramah. Allah itu tidak seperti manusia. Kalau kita minta-minta kepada manusia, manusia itu akan dongkol dengan kita. Tapi tidak dengan Allah. Allah Maha Kaya, Maha Berkehendak, dan Maha Dermawan. Allah senang jika hambaNya berdoa, merengek kepada Nya. Justru saat kita enggan berdoa, Allah akan marah karena itu menandakan kita terlalu sombong atau kita menganggap Allah pelit. Apapun itu, utarakan kepada Allah. Yang terpenting bukanlah dikabulkan atau tidaknya doa kita, tetapi nikmatnya kita meminta dan berkomunikasi dengan Allah.

Jadi, jangan pernah berkata "eh masa kayak gini minta ke Allah sih.." lagi. Rabb kita sangatlah dermawan.

Jangan malu minta sama Allah, tapi malulah saat kita minta-minta ke manusia.

Selamat berdoa :)

Everybody makes mistakes

Penyesalan itu terus ada

Saat mengingat kekurangan dan kelalaian diri

bergetar rasanya hati ini

Saat teringat kata-kata yang pernah diucapkan,

keangkuhan dan kotornya hati

Hancur harapan untuk membenahi diri

Terlalu banyak kesalahan, terlalu banyak kelalaian

.....Malu

Melihat bayangan sendiri pun aku tak sanggup

Ah, manusia..

Betapa mudahnya ia melakukan kesalahan

Betapa lemah hati ini terhadap nafsu

Amarah..yang melesat bagai panah-panah yang terlepas dari busurnya

Dengki..yang menggerogoti tubuh ini sedikit demi sedikit

Andaikan manusia ini tak pernah terlahir di bumi

Perjuangan ini tak akan pernah dimulai 

Dan juga tak akan pernah ada kekalahan

Tapi siapakah aku untuk memilih?

Mengapa lantang sekali mendustai nikmatnya?

Setiap manusia adalah tempatnya salah

Dan memaafkan diri sendiri adalah loncatan pertama 

yang bisa membawamu keluar dari kungkungan itu

Maka berikanlah kepercayaan kepada dirimu sendiri

untuk memperbaiki kesalahannya

Jangan engkau remehkan dirimu 

Jangan engkau remehkan orang lain

Mereka pun masih ada yang punya hati

yang mau menarik mu dari lubang itu

karena hidup ini adalah suatu pembelajaran

Maka genggamlah erat orang-orang yang berada di depan mu

yang menarik dan membawamu menuju perubahan

Dan rangkullah orang-orang di belakangmu

yang mau menopangmu saat kau jatuh

Dan mintalah kepada Rabbmu

karena ampunannya seluas mata memandang

Percayailah dirimu sendiri..

kita pasti bisa

membuat perubahan yang nyata :)

*NB: postingan ini didedikasikan untuk teman-teman dan keluargaku yang selalu setia mendukungku untuk menjadi lebih baik :)

Juga untuk siapapun yang sedang berusaha untuk berubah.. kamu tidak sendirian :)

Lepaskanlah

Sekarang yang tersisa hanya kenangan

Kenangan sekian juta detik yang kuhabiskan bersama mu

Andai 1 hari bisa diputar,

Menyesal..

Mengapa kuutamakan angka dibanding kehadiranmu

Sekadar menemani mu menonton pelangi di langit sore

Menyesal..

Mengapa terucap kata tidak saat kau membutuhkanku

Padahal tak sebaliknya dari mu

Meski tak jarang kita bertengkar

Sayapmu terbentang lebar melindungiku

Raungan mu lebih galak dari singa

Saat ada yang berusaha menyakitiku

Kau ajarkan kepadaku

bahwa cinta memang patut dipertahankan

Orang-orang yang kita cintai,

memang patut dibela hingga mati

bahwa darah tidak pernah mengkhianati

Baiti, jannati

Jika waktu bisa diputar,

Akan kuresapi detik-detik bersamamu

Pergi ke tempat yang kauinginkan

menghabiskan waktu bersama

Ternyata benar,

kenangan yang terlalu manis

bisa menjelma menjadi tangis

Semestinya tiada kata akhir untuk pertemanan
Semestinya tak bisa hilang dari ingatan
canda-tawa, mimpi, cita, dan cinta

Jangan lepaskan genggamanmu
perbedaannya hanya kini,
kau tak lagi milikku

Keberanian

Helloo readers! udah lama yaa blog ini nggak aktif. Highlight nya adalah gw sekarang udah memasuki dunia klinik. Artinya, gw mempraktikkan apa yang gw pelajarin saat kuliah ke pasien beneran. Kita nggak dilepas sendirian gitu aja, tapi disupervisi sama residen a.k.a PPDS (dokter yang sedang mengambil program spesialisasi) dan konsulen (dokter senior yang udah jago banget deh).

Di post kali ini, gw cuma mau cerita suatu kisah sangat patriotik yang membuat gw terharu :"

Jadi ceritanya, gw lagi rotasi di suatu departemen (sebut saja B**V) dan setiap hari Selasa ada ronde (keliling semua pasien) PPDS bersama konsulen. Konsulen-nya terkenal sangat killer. Koas pun diajak ronde.

Sehari sebelum ronde dimulai, kami -para koas dengan kepala hipersonor- udah duluan visit pasien dan ngafalin semua kondisi terakhirnya karena kita bakal ngebawain pasien tsb ke konsulen. Udah simulasi juga.

Jam 06.15 kami udah nongkrong di depan pintu departemen. No telat! padahal rondenya jam 7. Pkl 6.55 sang konsulen muncul dari balik pintu dengan cepat bak anak panah keluar dari busurnya, diikuti rombongan PPDS di belakangnya.

Dengan jantung berdegup-degup kencang, koas bebek mengikuti rombongan (persis kayak mo parade tujuhbelasan). Bersyukur kita disuruh tunggu di gedung rawat inap. Dengan mulut yang tak henti-hentinya komat-kamit menghafal syair SOAP, kami menunggu di depan kamar pasien.

30 menit menunggu, rombongan ronde datang dari ujung lorong. Rasanya pengen pinjem invisible cloak nya Harry Potter aja. Presenter membawakan SOAP pasien dengan baik dan lancar. Namun, belum selesai semua dibawakan, konsulen memotong dan mulai tanya-tanya.

Menurut gw sih temen gw udah menjawab dengan baik. Namun, sang konsulen tidak puas. Jadilah kita kena semprot. Sampe pada bagian klimaksnya.....

Konsulen (K)     : "Lu kan udah gue suruh belajar kemaren. Lu belajar nggak?"
*hening....* Kemudian ada salah satu dari kami yang memberanikan diri untuk menjawab
Dek Koas (DK) :  "Belajar, dok. Tapi yang kami pelajari memang seperti yang si xxx bilang"
K    : "Sama siapa lu belajar? Sebut namanya" (doi minta nama PPDS yang ngajarin kita)
DK : "hmm... *ragu menjawab*...
K    : "Jawab! sama siapa lu belajar?"
DK : "hmm......waktu itu kami belajar bareng-bareng aja sih, dok" --> ceritanya nggak mau numbalin PPDSnya
K    : "Kan gue udah bilang! Belajar nya didampingin sama PPDS!"
DK : "oh iya, dok. Ada PPDSnya
K    : "Siapaa?"

"SAYA DOK"

Semua wajah yang tertunduk (baik PPDS maupun koas) nengok ke arah sumber suara (termasuk gw). Dia adalah chief PPDS yang emang bertanggung jawab ngajarin kami. Dan dari kemarin pun udah ngajarin kami. Tapi kami nya aja yang nggak kepikiran buat nanya-nanya sejauh yang konsulennya bakal tanyain.

Salut sama keberanian sang PPDS buat mempertanggungjawabkan kewajibannya. Setiap inget kejadian ini, yang terbayang di otak gw adalah.... film Hunger Games scene pemilihan tribute. Saat semua orang pada takut dan nggak mau kena semprot, si PPDS ini dengan berani maju ke depan. Persis Katniss Everdeen pas bilang, "I volunteer..!"

Akhirnya PPDS berinisial R itu kena semprot deh.. untungnya nggak diusir dari rombongan.

Makasih yaa dok atas supportnya. Semoga studinya lancar dan ilmunya berkah. Keep being like Katniss Everdeen hehehehe

Privacy

I wanted to tell everything to you.
I wanted a friend that I can talk to.
And since it's you, I thought I can share my problems and my life.
But through out my dark days in the past,
I only saw you as my teacher.

Teachers assess, they give scores.
And I didn't want to look like a stupid student you always disgrace.
Maybe I wear too much pride on my face.
Or I had too much expectation on you.

So I sorted out things I allow and didn't allow you to see
I chose to hide my feelings
I chose to savor the torment

But I guess I survived
and I forgot how much I wanted to make friend with you
I buried down that wish as I evolved to be
...a more self-dependent person

I've become tougher!

I built a wall so I won't lean on you too much

I learned how to stand up tall on my feet

Unexpectedly.. i like it that way

I like to keep everything for myself

I don't have to put some efforts,

trying to make you understand

I don't have to explain

or listen

or be hurt

I just need my own space

Where there's only me

For me to clear out my minds

So I can manage my feelings and thoughts

I just need my own space

because sometimes 

walls listen better than ears

Random Thoughts #1 : Misteri Masa Depan

Heloo readers!!

Udah lama yak gue nggak ngepos di blog ini. Udah lupa gimana caranya nulis (emang pernah tahu, Sar?).

Dan selama absen ngepos ini gw banyak berubah. Sueerr!
Idealisme gw semakin terkikis. #Oh noo dimana sarah yang dulu?!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, readers kalo denger "Misteri Masa Depan" langsung terbayang apa?
Lemme guess.... hutan, malam, kabut.. kayak gini?

Plis ah ngeliatnya aja gw merinding. Nggak kok. Posting gw kali ini lebih down-to-earth dan aplikatif untuk rakyat jelata seperti diriku ini. So..here it is.

1. Kita nggak tau apa yang bakal terjadi di masa depan. Bisa jadi kita dikasih nikmat yang berlimpah sama Allah, bisa juga malah dapet cobaan dan musibah. Sayangnya, kebanyakan manusia cenderung lebih siap untuk hidup enak, tapi gak siap untuk hidup melarat. Jangan terlalu lama ngendon di zona aman dan jangan terlalu banyak gaya wkwkwk. Coba deh pikirin gimana caranya supaya survive di segala kondisi. Gimanaa ya caranya? 

Mitigasi bencana!!! (Alhamdulillah.. berguna juga nih kuliah IKK) mitigasi bencana adalah penanggulangan bencana yang tujuannya mengurangi dampak yang diakibatkan. Gimana caranyaa?

1. Brainstorming dulu bencana apa yang mungkin lw hadapi
2. Planning..!
- Predisaster phase : Cari tau faktor modifiable & un-modifiable dari bencana itu. Ubah apa yang bisa diubah
- Disaster phase : Pikirin apa yang harus dilakuin saat bencana itu terjadi. Siapa yang pegang komando? Siapa yang ngatur keuangan? Siapa yang ngatur logistik?
- Post disaster phase : Cari tau kira-kira dampak dari bencana itu apa? Trus gimana cara mengurangi risikonya?
3. Ngegaet stakeholder.. tentunya lw nggak bisa ngadepin masalah sendirian. Butuh bantuan temen, keluarga besar, atau yang lainnya.
4. Training...!! Coba adain simulasi bencana. Misalnya, bencana ekonomi (?), tau-tau nggak punya uang. Harus mesti bingit latihan hemat. Yang tiap hari naik mobil, sesekali cobain naik kereta deh. Kalo tiap hari masih jajan, coba bawa bekel.  syedaap

*kok gw jadi kayak ngasih kuliah odong-odong gini ya? :/*


2. Kita emang gak tau apa yang bakal terjadi di masa depan, tapi jangan sampe kekhawatiran itu menghabiskan waktu kita saat ini. Seseorang pernah bilang gini, "masa lalu udah lewat, kita gak bisa ngubah apa-apa. Sedangkan, masa depan belom terjadi, nggak bisa diotak-atik juga. Satu-satunya yang kita punya adalah SAAT INI, dimensi di mana kita berada. So.. enjoy the moment. Selese-in juga masalah yang SEKARANG lagi dihadapin, yang ada di depan mata..baru deh pikirin masalah yang ada nun jauh di singapur sana. (ga nyambung ah)

3. Nikmati dan syukuri apa yang kita punya saat ini. Don't take anything for granted cause we never know when we will run out of time... (nyuri kata-katanya Mbak Meghan gapapa lah yaa :v)
Intinya, jangan sia-siakan apa yang kita punya saat ini. Hargain, dijaga baik-baik, dirawat, diapresiasi.
Kita nggak tau, besok masih bisa nikmatin hal itu lagi, nggak?
Kita gak tau, apakah besok kita masih bisa tinggal di rumah yang nyaman ini lagi nggak?
Kita gak tau, apakah besok kita masih bisa ketemu orang-orang tercinta lagi nggak? LOH KOK JADI BAPER. Iyaa, jadi baper.. apalagi kalo mikirin orang tua dan keluarga. Pengen dipeluk satu-satu rasanya. Walaupun sering dibikin kesel (atau bikin kesel ya?) tapi yaa gitu, terkadang kita take them for granted. Padahal mereka nggak selamanya ada di sini :(


Yaudah ah sekian aja curhat baper nya
Semangaattt H-5 Ujian Modul IKK
Doakan aku yaaaa...! ^_____^

Bodoh dan Gila, itu Beda Tipis

Satu, dua detik, hingga si pendek pun lelah berputar 3 kali
Hawa dingin mulai terasa di ujung-ujung tangan dan kaki
Bagaimana tidak? Tak ada panas yang dihasilkan dari berdiam diri duduk di sini, sendiri.
Teman menungguku hanya patung itu,
yang sama-sama menunggu untuk dibebaskan.

Orang-orang berlalu-lalang, sibuk dengan urusan pribadinya;
ada yang sibuk dengan hari besar mereka,
ada yang sibuk menata masa depannya,
ada yang berjuang menggapai mimpinya.

Semua kecuali aku.
Akulah yang tak jelas arah dan tujuannya.

Wahai jiwa, apa yang kau inginkan?

Mengapa begitu rela berkorban?

Rela melakukan hal-hal gila dengan kesudianmu sendiri

Rela memberikan waktumu untuk dihabiskan

Rela memberikan gelasmu untuk dipecahkan

Semuanya itu kau gadaikan

Hanya untuk gemerlap sesaat yang tidak sebanding dengan kasih dan sayang

Kau tahu tak ada tempat bagimu di sini
tapi tetap kau paksakan

Seperti tak punya harga diri, memalukan!
Berkacalah, wahai jiwa...

Memanganya kau ini siapa?

Punya apa?

Otakmu di mana?

Kalau terus begini, wajarlah kau selalu tertipu

Karena kau terlalu dermawan memberikan kepercayaanmu
Padahal hukum rimba tak pernah memenangkan orang-orang yang menunggu

Dan tingginya harapanmu

Melampaui realita yang dapat diukur dengan logika
Mana mungkin dia mau melakukan hal gila se-gila yang kaulakukan?
Mana mungkin dia memberikan lebih dari yang kauberikan?

Mungkin kau telah gila

Kau ini gila karena berpikir semua rencana detilmu itu mungkin terjadi

Tapi beginilah adanya,

Berkali-kali ditipu oleh angan-angan sendiri

Tapi tenanglah..
Kali ini takkan kubiarkan dirimu kau cederai

Akan kutunjukkan betapa lelahnya mengarungi dunia mimpi

Kau akan terbangun dan segera sadar

Bahwa penantian ini sia-sia

Jadi lebih baik, kau pulanglah saja

Kita punya banyak hal untuk dilakukan

Banyak hal yang lebih berharga untuk diharapkan

Tapi kau harus mengatur fokusmu
Meskipun harus berjalan menjauh kemudian berlari

tergopoh-gopoh jatuh kemudian bangkit lagi

Karena kalian memiliki dunia sendiri-sendiri

Tenanglah, kamu begini bukan karena dia

Tapi karena kamu terlalu pandai berimajinasi

Dan menganggap duniamu sebagai taman mimpi

Tidak, bukan begini caranya

Bagaimana bisa didengar jika tak bersuara?

Ah lupakanlah, sayang

Kali ini aku yang salah

Dan setiap yang bersalah harus membayar hukumannya

Terlalu Berharga Untuk Dilupakan

Singkat cerita, setelah melalui hari yang panjang dengan segala drama kehidupan yang ada di dalamnya, seorang kawan menasihati. Suaranya lembut tapi begitu menegarkan -- yang justru bikin air mata ini makin deras ngocor-nya --   She said,


"Sar, kamu sadar nggak? Kita ini selalu diuji di tempat terlemah kita. Sampe kita nggak lemah lagi di tempat itu, sampe kita bisa lulus, Allah bakal ngasih cobaan yang sama ke kita. Tenang aja, semua pasti ada hikmahnya, Sar. Mungkin Allah lagi menguatkan kamu di sini.
Kamu harus bersyukur, Sar, masih dikasih kecemasan. Artinya, kamu punya kemauan untuk memperbaiki kesalahan. Ada yang dapet lebih parah dari kamu tapi cuek-cuek aja.
Apa yang udah kejadian itu bukan urusan kita lagi. Porsi kita emang berusaha dan berdoa. Nggak lebih dari situ. Kalau gagal ya coba lagi dan coba lagi karena emang cuma itu yang bisa kita lakuin."


Ya emang sih, 'melepaskan sesuatu' selalu jadi bagian yang tersulit untuk gw lakuin. Tapi Allah baik, selalu ngasih kesempatan "remed" ke gw, selalu ngasih kesempatan kedua :""D
Masih banyak nikmat lain yang harus disyukuri, Sar.
Salah satunya, nikmat punya teman-teman yang selalu mengingatkan.

Emang deh mbak yang satu ini calon psikiater banget... (amiin)

From Your Little Girl (4)

They say she always disliked you
She bent back and forth
trying to writhe out of your grip
And she'd scream and whine with all her breath
when you held her close to your ribs

Time flies
The girl who was the height of your waist
is now chasing her own dreams

If She were a river,
you'd definitely be the ocean,
a place where she'd eventually drain herself
No matter where she goes,
or what she does.

It's just that sometimes you forget
that a butterfly was once an ugly caterpillar
a rainbow always comes after rain
and a diamond is made from carbon

The pressure you put inappropriately
will slowly break the things within

Flight of Ideas; Being an Observer, a Good Listener, and so on

People say that introverts observe their surroundings a lot. Indeed, I can't agree more. I --and also everyone-- am actually an ambivert, but one side is usually much stronger than the other. Me, I tend to be an introvert. So, yes, I observe a lot. When I observe something, it's like I'm talking to myself.. in my head.

In a given time, I can have so many questions and comments popping up in my head that I can barely concentrate on what I'm doing. Like this, for example.. I've been planning to write an article about it for a long time and I can't concentrate on finishing my LTM before doing so.

Because of these terrible sounds inside my head (I swear to you, it's not an auditory hallucination, I'm not psychotic!) sometimes I lose track of what people are telling me. And then voila.. my family label me as a bad listener, sometimes telmi #duh.

But... I do not deny that.

You know, to be a good doctor, you have to be a good listener. So far, I still am a bad listener and I'm ashamed of it. And so I started practicing. Thankfully, in KKD (keterampilan klinik dasar or basic clinical competence) we, medstudents, are taught about how to conduct a qualified interview or anamnesis. We're taught to build rapport with patients, make the conversation flow naturally, and dig information out of the patients so we can analyze and diagnose their illness more accurately. Never thought that I'd study this kind of thing before I entered medical school. No regrets, though. So far it's really interesting and very applicable.

Here are some holes in my communication skill:

1. Names
I used to forget people's names right after they mention it! I used to think that asking someone's name was simply an obligatory question before you start a conversation with somebody. So, when my partner mention their name, instead of listening to it, I was busy managing my facial expression or thinking about what question I should ask next. But now I know that I am totally doing it wrong. Remembering names is REALLY important. When you call your partner by their names, you have done the first step of building rapport with them.

--> To overcome this problem, I repeat their names after they mention it. And keep calling them by their name, not only 'bu', 'pak' or 'mbak' but 'bu XXX', 'pak YYY' or 'mbak AAA'


2. Details
By the way.. don't you know that our brain can discriminate important from non important facts of every sensory input we receive each time?  Sometimes I think that my brain needs an extra training about which ones are the important things and which ones are not.

For example.
"Dek, mama mau pergi yaa..."
"ohh iya ma, kapan? kemana?"
"mau ke rumah nenek. nanti lah, gak sekarang.. jam 2. mama mau ngambil kue dari bude kan kemarin bude jualan."

Idk, but my brain is over selective, that I only remember :
1. mama mau pergi ke rumah nenek,
2. nggak sekarang.
the rests are not important because it's none of my business.

But..... then, the next day when I talk to my mom again....
*buka kulkas* "wah.. ada blackforest.. dari siapa ma?"
"dari bude, dek"
"ohh... lah kapan bude kemari?"
"dek, kan kemarin mama ke rumah nenek buat ngambil titipan"

and I was like.. damn, I didn't pay attention to that!

--> what I do now, is simply reminding myself that I should focus on my partner when they're speaking. I must not hurriedly say "okay" or reply something before I really get what they're talking about. Looking at their face while they're talking can help a bit. Sometimes I reflect their ideas too. Anyway, I'm still learning to do it.

There are some other more, but..
I have to finish my LTM!
^___^