Time Does Not Heal

March 2020

I was signed up to the grief club which no one wanted to be a part of. We were there not by choice, yet we were chosen.

I never imagined my life would turn upside down in a split second. One moment I was doing chores in the kitchen, feeling so excited about the day and then my phone beeped just to shatter my world to pieces. I still remember the feeling, the disbelief when I saw the report.. 

My poor husband didn't know what it meant back then. He didn't understand why I froze up and bit my tongue. But in that moment, my thoughts had already traveled to the next 5-10 years of our lives.. Quiet.

I didn't know if I could smile a genuine smile after that day. I didn't know if I could talk about this reality without breaking up. It was a dark, cold day with no end in sight. What made it harder is that people didn't see the scar. 

Tell me.. how can I lose something I never have?

Dec 2023

I didn't know I'd be where I am today (I mean, in a good way). It doesn't hurt so bad like the first time though it still stings sometimes.

No, actually..

It hurts everytime.. 

It hurts every month

But the difference is, now I can smile. The sun shines the same like it has always been, but I can feel its warmth. I even think my life is more meaningful now as I realized that grief and gratitude can co-exist at the same time. A combination I didn't know is totally fine and make sense. And that grief doesn't require you to have someone or something physically taken away from you. It can be a loss of a dream, a future you always wanted. 

It makes me wonder.. what pulled me out of that hole? Does time really heal the pain like people say? 

If I didn't drag my lazy ass to try climbing, would I overcome the dark days and find out that my body is capable of doing amazing things?

If I didn't force myself to apply for the job despite experiencing the lowest self-esteem I ever had in my life, would I ever be where I am today, having the greatest friends that I needed most?

If I didn't pour my heart out and beg for ONE sign.. just ONE sign that my life is worthy.. would I be where I am today? 

Imagine having a wound and you don't clean it, you don't take a proper care for it. Do you think the wound will heal over time or will it get infected?

Time alone is meaningless. It's what we do during that period of time that matters cause it's always about the effort, not the time.

I'm writing this because the next few days will be a life-changing moment for me. Today might or might not be my last shift in the ER in this hospital. Or.. I might have a new addition to my collection of scars. I'm anxious and afraid to fall into the dark, cold place like I did before. 

So this post is a reminder that emotions are temporary. With a little kindness, gratitude, and self-love, you can always walk with the pain. You can wear the failure like a badge on your chest. So, let the reality come, face it and accept it with open arms. What is meant for you will always come to you anyway. I hope your heart will always be full of hope and kindness.

Your score doesn't define you. Your heart does. 

Embrace The Suck

I'm a kind of person who believes that there's always a silver lining in bad things that happen. But I forgot how miserable it feels to sit with negative emotions until today. I forgot how demoralizing it is to face self-disdain, when I act the way I always hate when other people do it, that is when one becomes an egocentric-know-it-all person.

After letting it sink for quite some time, I admit that I had probably not taken the wisest decision, nor had I handle my ego well last night. I let my ego blur the line between being brave and being reckless, between trying to save people and trying to prove myself, and between not wanting to let people down and wanting people to respect me. I can't believe I'm disgusted by my own actions. 

Right now it seems so tempting to talk to a friend who would listen to my side of the story and defend me. But I realize that an external validation only nourishes victim mentality, another trait that I really dislike. What I actually need right now is to sit with this feeling defenseless, embrace it, own it.. own my mistake and grow. 

The truth it, I wouldn't be this miserable if what he said wasn't true. I don't care if he calls me names. Anyone can call me anything, I don't care. But I care about my mistake that he pointed out and how it might actually be true. And to make things worse, I let my prejudice got in the way by judging instead of listening to my friends. A mistake I swore to never make, be biased. 

It occurs to me that maybe the reason why I feel so proud of myself is because I'm losing my connection with Allah, therefore I feel able and self-reliant. Maybe I forgot that human is flawed and weak and needs God to depend on. So here I am cleaning up this mess, first and foremost, with istighfar.. for letting You down, for depending on me instead of You alone. Thank You for sending me signals to come home to You when I'm starting to lose my way in this world. 

Then of course, I couldn't shake this feeling away by making him a villain. So Mr. Samurai, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for keeping me grounded and pruning my ego. I truly appreciate it, I really do. The wounded me right now may have a hard time seeing it through but I believe the future me will be very grateful it happened this way. And to my friends, I'm sorry if I've been a arsehole. I would be really glad if you'd maybe give me a chance to start over? 

Lastly, to the girl I see in the mirror. As much as you hate to be counted out of the equation, you must count people in. Their view and opinion matters. Their side of the story matters regardless of who they are. I know it seems like the worst timing to feel miserable about yourself when you need to focus on another thing, but trust me, this is actually the perfect timing to re-center your moral compass. Last night was insane and you've done your best. No one could have survived it better than you. 

You might have made a bad decision but you are NOT a bad person <3 

"She was warm, forgiving, and kind"

When I was younger, I had always been a type-A person. I was determined to reach my goal, aspired to be the best whenever possible and took a real hard blow when I failed. I held fast to my principle and spoke up whenever I saw something wrong. I was verbal and sometimes caught up in a debate. Everything was good and went according to plan, I achieved so many things. My dad was proud of me and I was hungry for more achievements. I wanted to be an alpha girl. 

Three years ago my life took a nosedive and everything changed. As "life happened", I realized how misguided I was and my mindset shifted over time. I guess when we lose something so precious in life, the world doesn't matter that much anymore. All I want is to reunite with my loved ones and I need to find a way to get there. 

I realized that being "worldly" successful, as in the definition of success by most of our society, is not the answer I'm searching for. Not only that it benefits just so little, I'm also afraid that I might hurt some people in the process (though unintentionally). So I did a lot of reflections and I came to a point where I thought I couldn't stay the same person I was. I wanted to do something fulfilling, something that would fill the void in my heart and give my life a different meaning. And I could only feel it when I share with other people. 

Interestingly, it doesn't have to be an item that I share, it can be feelings, emotions, and passion. And I could only do this when I open up my heart and my action, something I later discovered as kindness. Kindness will lighten up people's heart and inspire them to pray to Allah for our goodness. Maybe then He'll forgive my sin and let me be with my loved ones. 

In my early days of grief, I almost lost my purpose but there's one question that kept me grounded and helped me stay on track :

"How do I want to be remembered after I die"

Through a lot of contemplation of life, I realized that I don't want people to remember me as an alpha girl who's always right and perfect no matter how heartless she is (this actually hit me like a ton of bricks.. and I'm kind of embarrassed to remember how eager I was to fit into this description at that time). Rather, I want to be remembered as a person whose presence brings smile, warmth, and security in another person. I want to be remembered as someone who's kind and gentle. I can't say I'm there yet, there's still a lot of work to do and I'm struggling. There are also times where being kind is just too taxing (emotionally).. 

In my attempts to be kind, I observe some facts and I want to share it here as a reminder for me too.

1. Being kind to strangers is easy. Being kind to someone we know is a different level.

When I say I want to be a kind person, I don't mean a person who gives out charity to the orphanage or beggars on the street. That also included, but the kindness I emphasize is the kindness to people I'm close with. There's a fact that the closer the people to us, the more challenging it is for us to be kind to them. Why? First, because we expect something in return. We want them to sacrifice as much as we do. When they don't meet our expectation, we get upset and we stop being kind because we think "what's the point?" It's a take-and-give situation. Second, because we know their flaws and for that, we think they don't deserve our kindness.

But it's a whole different story with strangers. We don't expect anything from them. It's a give-and-go situation (more like a hit-and-run hehe). You don't know their reactions whether they reject your act of kindness or acknowledge it, and don't expect them to lend their hands when you need them in the future. Your brain will remember this as a happy moment forever. No expectation broken.

  

2. Begin with the intention and let the intention be YOU 

The only thing that will keep you consistent in being kind is when you do it for yourself and for your inner peace. I don't mean to be kind with hope that people will give something to you. If that's the case, you're being kind for them (to make them happy enough to reward you in return). Although it might sound altruistic, it's not a strong foundation because you can never control other people's reaction. And letting our motivation depend on something so volatile like that is the recipe for inconsistency. What I mean with "let the intention be you" is to be kind because you deserve inner peace. Not because they're kind, but because YOU are kind. You are freeing yourself from expectation that is prone to disappointment.  

For example : you have a colleague whom you find difficult to be kind to because of his/her attitude. If you're kind because of you and for the sake of your inner peace, you will continue to treat him/her with respect NOT because you approve their behavior, NOT because you are weak, NOT because you are scared.. BUT because :

You are STRONG therefore you resist to bite when you have the power to. You act, not react.

You have such a HIGH standard of integrity that even mere people's cruel behavior towards you won't let you stoop down to their level.  

Of course there are some conditions where you have to stand up and fight:

1. If your rights have been violated 

2. If people's lives are physically at stake

3. (this one is my personal opinion) If it's gonna impact your life significantly at least in the next 3 years

Other than those 3, if some people are just messing or hurting my ego, then I am not biting.

3. Being kind is the most selfish thing you can do

One thing I learn from this journey is that being kind is an act of selflove. How can it not? 

I thought I make other people happy by sharing and being kind, but in fact I'm doing something that brings me fulfillment, happiness, and... if i'm lucky.. like-minded friends and their loyalty to me. 

But most importantly, I believe in the reward Allah has promised for kind people in the afterworld. And trust me.. Even if your kindness is disapproved by other people, the goodness will find its way back to you one way or another. It's God's words not mine (QS 17:7)

4. If you have to choose between being right and being kind, choose kind

If you choose to be kind, you will always be right. WHY?

The fact is, in most situations, there's no clear line between black and white. There's always 2 sides of the story. You may think something is wrong based on your perspective, but add in x,y,z factors then it becomes acceptable. Also, being wrong is part of learning, that's how we grow, and you'll always have an army of friends who'll support you if you're kind. However, if your relationship with people goes sour, quite frankly, no one will back you up if you mess up. 

Being kind here means you always try to maintain a positive emotion and empathy with other people. It doesn't mean you cannot correct someone else if they are in the wrong, especially if it involves other people's lives. But you can always tell them with kindness, not with anger and revenge like saying "i told you so". If it's not so important matter, then you can always just be kind. You may be right, but you may not be the right person to tell them.

I recently faced a situation where I wanted to give up being kind to someone because I had enough of his/her attitude. It frustrated me, angered me... so I sit down and write.. I hope whenever I feel like being kind is not worth it, I come back to this article and realign my mind again. Cause I will never know how far my kindness will go. What I know is that kindness will create a ripple effect where the person I'm being kind to will be kind to other people, and so on. 

Always remember, be kind not because other people are kind, but because YOU are.

The Little Things

In this quiet, overcast afternoon, you are here sleeping next to me. Your gentle breath touches my cheeks, your arms wrapped around my neck, as we lie hopelessly close to each other. I can hear your heartbeat in my ears over your chest. I could stare at your beautiful face all day. 

And then you open your eyes and tell me how beautiful I am. I smile back and look at our surroundings.

There's not a single day goes by without me thinking how blessed and lucky we are. That we have everything we need right within our reach. We have freedom to choose. We have time. 

And I have you.

The fact that you're here with me, breathing and living, is the greatest gift I can never get enough of. If one day we have to part, I wish it was just temporary. I pray to God to grant us health so we can live together for as long as we're allowed to. But if our time runs out, I hope that I have the strength to take care of you and make sure there's not a day that I live without showing you my love. I just hope it is strong enough to erase all your aches. 

So, focus on the little things we have. 

If we keep counting our blessing, we'll realize how many of our prayers have been answered.

Our life is perfect and don't let other people tell us otherwise.

Face Your Fear

A couple of days ago during my shift in the ER, a girl was brought in unconscious, or so the teacher said. She passed out suddenly during her class at school without prior complaint/symptom. At the ER, her vitals were stable, blood glucose was okay, all other physical examination was insignificant. I applied painful stimuli on her chest to try to wake her up which she did instantly. We gave her space and time to compose herself. Later on, we discovered she was having anxiety over a subject which was not actually her 'forte'. She was discharged fully awake but rather embarrassed, I guess. To top it off, my colleague told her, "when we have problems, we face it"

This is one of common malingering cases we face in the ER. I know my colleague meant well, but I always try not to preach or judge a fragile teenager straightforwardly (although I think she slightly deserved it for making people worried).

However, in this case I think I could empathize with her easily because I understand how it feels to have fears. Most of the time, it's not physical threats that we fear (like death & accident). It's everything that may demean our values that we fear the most. 

When we analyze our emotions, it's crucial that we understand our values first. In my simple terms, values are standards that we consider important and desire to achieve/be. It may vary from person to person, depending on their environment when they grow up, their role model, friends, etc. It may shift over time too as we get more mature or as more life events happen that change our direction.

I was raised by parents who concern about academic achievement (just like other parents, I assume). All my childhood I was indoctrinated that a good life starts from doing well in school. Then maybe, I could get into my desired major in a good uni. Then maybe, I could have a high-paying job. Then maybe, my prospective husband might be from an equally high socio-eco class either. Then, I could grow a family as I wish and prepare for a peaceful retirement. Of course, this is just one aspect of a good life. My parents also told me that I must develop noble characters & soft skills because we always need other people inevitably so interpersonal relationship is just as crucial.  

So, being a successful, well-rounded person has always been my value. I have to be smart but humble, serious but humorous, nerdy but sporty. modern but religious, all at the same time. It felt manageable at first, during my school-age, even during the first couple years of my uni days. Until my cohort became more specific and alike, i had a lot of work to handle and it was no longer possible to hold the idealistic idea of being "a perfect person" anymore. 

Before I finally succumbed to the fact that it's okay to not be perfect, I was always in an anxious state of failing everything; fail to get good grades, fail as a leader in a student body, fail to have any circle of friends that I belong to because they think I'm a freak, fail to win a scholarship, etc.

It's funny how every single one of my fears came true :)

I've been told that I'm dumb, incompetent, too stiff, selfish, mean, heartless by other people. I've been cursed publicly while people were staring and it was too shameful to remember. I've been rejected sooo many times. When it all happened, my values of being a perfect person was shaken. I have failed to meet the standard I made for myself. I became even more afraid and traumatize to experience the same disturbing feeling again. So I became more cautious and avoidant. I didn't want to do things unless I was confident enough to nail it. To be pretty honest, I'm never confident enough in everything I do haha! In the end, I never tried to do anything anymore. And without me realizing, it became a vicious cycle. 

My paradigm changed when I heard the concept of growth mindset. Simply put, our current state is not permanent. We can always grow and adapt as long as we want to try. Instead of focusing on the result, we need to focus more on the effort. Try not to put the end result as your core value. For example;

Instead of "I have to be smart", try "I want to stay curious"

Instead of "I have to make friends", try "I want to listen to people better"

So, whenever the outcome does not go according to plan, you can always say that the name is also effort (namanya juga usaha :)) Jokes aside, when we are effort-oriented, we depend our identity on progress rather than a fixed thing, therefore we are less stressed out or depressed.

Once I began to embrace this growth mindset, I started to try things that are out of my comfort zone. Of course I got to experience the uncomfortable feelings of not knowing things, adapting to new environment, facing challenging cases questioning my decision, being judged not good enough, getting less sleep and free time, etc. Not gonna lie, I almost gave up. But whenever it happen, I ensure myself that I'm not done yet, I'm a work in progress. Stay curious, ask, watch, listen, take notes, and evaluate. Be vulnerable. If you find toxic people along the way, just mind your own business. If they meddle with your life, just know that toxic people are there for a reason, to give you a life lesson. And if you can't find the courage to do things out of your comfort zone, just do it scared! Because our brain's main job is to keep us safe, not to keep us happy. So it exaggerates threats and makes it scarier to keep us alive when in fact, the threats are not that dangerous. 

Last but most important, always ask for guidance from Allah. He is the Best Disposer of all affairs. Whenever I'm anxious, I always ask myself, "and then, what?' all the way until I have no answer, nothing but Allah to depend on. Then, my mind would stop racing because I know He is there to catch me when I fall and pick me up when I'm down and He is the Best Planner. 

So.. that's how our comfort zone grows. Things that are used to be frightening will not be as scary anymore. And slowly you'll arrive at your destination!