when all feelings are collided

I'm gonna be a vice leader somehow,
but I'm gonna leave it for a while,
All the things I have to catch on,
old memories bursting out of my mind,
the uneasy feelings fill me,
the tears I've been holding back,
All of these things remind me that I'm still alive. this is life and so I have to go through it.

dear Mr. X, what's your intention? Is it true what you've been saying about? Are you just trying to make some sensations?
dear Mr. X, thanks for your support. but i don't think I deserve you. perhaps not yet.
dear Mr. X, whatever you want to do, please don't disappoint me.

3 Syawal 1431 H

First of all, I'd like to say "Taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum". Happy Ied 1431. May Allah accept all of our efforts last Ramadhan.

Readers, something's bothering me. It's an uncomfortable feeling. Actually I've been thinking about it night and day, trying to overcome this problem. Looking for an exit door out of this awful thing. I tried to help myself by watching some movies. Burying myself with fun, hoping that these actions will shoe my uneasy feelings away. But this night, after watching a movie (a comedy one), I'm sitting here in my living room with everyone has fallen asleep. I feel lonely, my mind can't stop thinking about my problem.

I love watching movies. It entertains me. But this is it. This is the habit that I should actually get rid of. I've been wasting my time around with something unuseful. This is why I always have uneasy feeling. Because I don't manage my time properly so that I can finish all my jobs. Then the "guilty" feeling arises which makes me uncomfortable.

I have come to one conclusion which is always try to do something useful. People around me, whom I really envy, all of them create something amazing, something worthwhile. Meanwhile, I just sit all day in front of this old PC, watching some movies, surfing the internet, etc etc. Quite ashamed of myself, actually.

I hope I can change. yeah, I really have to change. Before this habit ruin my life.