March 2020
I was signed up to the grief club which no one wanted to be a part of. We were there not by choice, yet we were chosen.
I never imagined my life would turn upside down in a split second. One moment I was doing chores in the kitchen, feeling so excited about the day and then my phone beeped just to shatter my world to pieces. I still remember the feeling, the disbelief when I saw the report..
My poor husband didn't know what it meant back then. He didn't understand why I froze up and bit my tongue. But in that moment, my thoughts had already traveled to the next 5-10 years of our lives.. Quiet.
I didn't know if I could smile a genuine smile after that day. I didn't know if I could talk about this reality without breaking up. It was a dark, cold day with no end in sight. What made it harder is that people didn't see the scar.
Tell me.. how can I lose something I never have?
Dec 2023
I didn't know I'd be where I am today (I mean, in a good way). It doesn't hurt so bad like the first time though it still stings sometimes.
No, actually..
It hurts everytime..
It hurts every month
But the difference is, now I can smile. The sun shines the same like it has always been, but I can feel its warmth. I even think my life is more meaningful now as I realized that grief and gratitude can co-exist at the same time. A combination I didn't know is totally fine and make sense. And that grief doesn't require you to have someone or something physically taken away from you. It can be a loss of a dream, a future you always wanted.
It makes me wonder.. what pulled me out of that hole? Does time really heal the pain like people say?
If I didn't drag my lazy ass to try climbing, would I overcome the dark days and find out that my body is capable of doing amazing things?
If I didn't force myself to apply for the job despite experiencing the lowest self-esteem I ever had in my life, would I ever be where I am today, having the greatest friends that I needed most?
If I didn't pour my heart out and beg for ONE sign.. just ONE sign that my life is worthy.. would I be where I am today?
Imagine having a wound and you don't clean it, you don't take a proper care for it. Do you think the wound will heal over time or will it get infected?
Time alone is meaningless. It's what we do during that period of time that matters cause it's always about the effort, not the time.
I'm writing this because the next few days will be a life-changing moment for me. Today might or might not be my last shift in the ER in this hospital. Or.. I might have a new addition to my collection of scars. I'm anxious and afraid to fall into the dark, cold place like I did before.
So this post is a reminder that emotions are temporary. With a little kindness, gratitude, and self-love, you can always walk with the pain. You can wear the failure like a badge on your chest. So, let the reality come, face it and accept it with open arms. What is meant for you will always come to you anyway. I hope your heart will always be full of hope and kindness.
Your score doesn't define you. Your heart does.
