There's a lot of things in my head that need to get out, but obviously I can't put them here altogether and make this writing lose its purpose. So, after reflecting on my thoughts and feelings for quite some time, I came up with this one big question I've been asking myself all along.
Is Medicine Worth All My Sacrifice?
Medicine is a grueling profession in which you are expected to show the best version of yourself all the time. As a doctor, you are looked up to a lot... by patients, by colleagues.. essentially everyone. There's almost no room for you to look confused and certainly no room to look dumb.
Little do people understand, medicine is an everchanging profession and being a doctor is a life-long learning career. There will always be a knowledge gap.. something we cannot do. Meanwhile, we have this huge responsibility where other people's lives are at stake.
I have been in a position where I feel powerless and feel not good enough no matter how hard I've tried. That feeling of not being good enough kills me inside and my toxic trait is that I cannot get over it overnight. The guilt and shame still haunts me and it's a perfect energy & happiness sucker.
Have you ever made mistake and your mind constantly replay it in your head, making you relive the embarrassing moment from time to time? Well I have. I find myself stuck in a repeated loop of negative thoughts. But I believe I'm not the only one doing this, so.. you're welcome! (you should thank me for saying it out loud so you can validate your feelings :))
I thought, with more experience I will get used to this feeling. I'm partly right, though. I'm more used to it now, but it still feels terrible. It's uncomfortable to swallow my pride and admit my limitation.. This is usually where my imposter syndrome kicks in. But after talking to my husband, who's basically my shrink, the key is that I need to learn to read people so I get better at choosing whom I can be vulnerable with and ask for help. And that's where my learning curve goes exponential. A little tricks I figured myself, is I always tell myself that I am a work in progress :)
The pressure in medicine just doesn't stop there. But perhaps this one only applies in hospital/academic setting. It's an ancient human behavior, probably influenced by the colonial era... i present you... senior to junior abusive behavior aka bullying.
Why do senior doctors like to treat their junior or other staff (like nurse) badly? What's in it for them? Does it boost their ego? Is yelling and shouting necessary to create an effective communication? AREN'T WE A TEAM?
No matter how hard I try to justify their action in so many ways, there's not a single valid reason to talk to anyone in a disrespectful manner. I've experienced it first-hand and that time I was too stunned to speak. This type of person is manipulative, they like to use deceptive language to make you believe that you are at fault. They like to point fingers at others and make others feel guilty. I'm so tired of this kind of drama. Can we just leave our ego at the door and come to work as a team? But you know.. if this happens in a workplace, it's actually a sign of a failing management team and the HR department is probably closing one eye.
I cannot wrap my head around people who feel they are more superior than others.. that they have the right to control other people. Have you ever thought that :
1. The knowledge you have is not yours? In fact, nothing is ours. Allah can take whatever it is on us whenever He pleases. What if He suddenly gives you a stroke and you lose all the intelligence and skills you're very proud of? What if you're involved in an accident and become permanently disabled all in a blink of an eye? How would you feel to be on the other end that you abuse?
2. Does it ever occur to you that one day you're probably gonna need those juniors in your old days? One day you're gonna get old and you're probably gonna be treated by the junior doctors who make it into residency and becomes a geriatrician? or maybe one of your grandchildren has congenital anomaly and the only one who's competent to handle it is your junior doctor who turns to be a pediatric surgeon?
With all the pressure, is it worth it to keep pursuing this career?
To be fair, I must explain the joy and the bright side of medicine too.
I must say, I like seeing people and talk to them. But at the same time, I just realized that I like working with my hands. The thing is.. medicine has many branches. For now, my heart tells me to stay a bit longer, to pull through in the clinical setting. While I'm praying and waiting for a sign from Allah of which path to choose: bedside or non-bedside? or might as well pursue my climbing career?
I'm grateful that Allah has provided me with good sustenance, so I won't have to make a tough decision on my career, in a sense that I've nothing to lose if I resign from this job because I don't rely on it to earn money. I pray and pray that He always keeps my heart full in my high and low days. I pray to Him to keep me surrounded with good people and away from the bad ones. I pray to Him to protect me from doing bad thing/zhalim to other people, including my patients and my colleagues cause wallahi, I hate people who are zhalim to others.
And my mind is at peace whenever I remember Him because I know He won't desert me. I'm not the curer, but He is. And I always pray to Allah to give me the strength and ability to help whoever needs my help.
So, with the mental-health toll, high pressure + high risk work environment, and limited time for personal life... is medicine still worth it?
For now, my heart says it's still worth it.
That's all for now. Don't hesitate to share your thoughts and leave a comment down below!
