A couple of days ago during my shift in the ER, a girl was brought in unconscious, or so the teacher said. She passed out suddenly during her class at school without prior complaint/symptom. At the ER, her vitals were stable, blood glucose was okay, all other physical examination was insignificant. I applied painful stimuli on her chest to try to wake her up which she did instantly. We gave her space and time to compose herself. Later on, we discovered she was having anxiety over a subject which was not actually her 'forte'. She was discharged fully awake but rather embarrassed, I guess. To top it off, my colleague told her, "when we have problems, we face it"
This is one of common malingering cases we face in the ER. I know my colleague meant well, but I always try not to preach or judge a fragile teenager straightforwardly (although I think she slightly deserved it for making people worried).
However, in this case I think I could empathize with her easily because I understand how it feels to have fears. Most of the time, it's not physical threats that we fear (like death & accident). It's everything that may demean our values that we fear the most.
When we analyze our emotions, it's crucial that we understand our values first. In my simple terms, values are standards that we consider important and desire to achieve/be. It may vary from person to person, depending on their environment when they grow up, their role model, friends, etc. It may shift over time too as we get more mature or as more life events happen that change our direction.
I was raised by parents who concern about academic achievement (just like other parents, I assume). All my childhood I was indoctrinated that a good life starts from doing well in school. Then maybe, I could get into my desired major in a good uni. Then maybe, I could have a high-paying job. Then maybe, my prospective husband might be from an equally high socio-eco class either. Then, I could grow a family as I wish and prepare for a peaceful retirement. Of course, this is just one aspect of a good life. My parents also told me that I must develop noble characters & soft skills because we always need other people inevitably so interpersonal relationship is just as crucial.
So, being a successful, well-rounded person has always been my value. I have to be smart but humble, serious but humorous, nerdy but sporty. modern but religious, all at the same time. It felt manageable at first, during my school-age, even during the first couple years of my uni days. Until my cohort became more specific and alike, i had a lot of work to handle and it was no longer possible to hold the idealistic idea of being "a perfect person" anymore.
Before I finally succumbed to the fact that it's okay to not be perfect, I was always in an anxious state of failing everything; fail to get good grades, fail as a leader in a student body, fail to have any circle of friends that I belong to because they think I'm a freak, fail to win a scholarship, etc.
It's funny how every single one of my fears came true :)
I've been told that I'm dumb, incompetent, too stiff, selfish, mean, heartless by other people. I've been cursed publicly while people were staring and it was too shameful to remember. I've been rejected sooo many times. When it all happened, my values of being a perfect person was shaken. I have failed to meet the standard I made for myself. I became even more afraid and traumatize to experience the same disturbing feeling again. So I became more cautious and avoidant. I didn't want to do things unless I was confident enough to nail it. To be pretty honest, I'm never confident enough in everything I do haha! In the end, I never tried to do anything anymore. And without me realizing, it became a vicious cycle.
My paradigm changed when I heard the concept of growth mindset. Simply put, our current state is not permanent. We can always grow and adapt as long as we want to try. Instead of focusing on the result, we need to focus more on the effort. Try not to put the end result as your core value. For example;
Instead of "I have to be smart", try "I want to stay curious"
Instead of "I have to make friends", try "I want to listen to people better"
So, whenever the outcome does not go according to plan, you can always say that the name is also effort (namanya juga usaha :)) Jokes aside, when we are effort-oriented, we depend our identity on progress rather than a fixed thing, therefore we are less stressed out or depressed.
Once I began to embrace this growth mindset, I started to try things that are out of my comfort zone. Of course I got to experience the uncomfortable feelings of not knowing things, adapting to new environment, facing challenging cases questioning my decision, being judged not good enough, getting less sleep and free time, etc. Not gonna lie, I almost gave up. But whenever it happen, I ensure myself that I'm not done yet, I'm a work in progress. Stay curious, ask, watch, listen, take notes, and evaluate. Be vulnerable. If you find toxic people along the way, just mind your own business. If they meddle with your life, just know that toxic people are there for a reason, to give you a life lesson. And if you can't find the courage to do things out of your comfort zone, just do it scared! Because our brain's main job is to keep us safe, not to keep us happy. So it exaggerates threats and makes it scarier to keep us alive when in fact, the threats are not that dangerous.
Last but most important, always ask for guidance from Allah. He is the Best Disposer of all affairs. Whenever I'm anxious, I always ask myself, "and then, what?' all the way until I have no answer, nothing but Allah to depend on. Then, my mind would stop racing because I know He is there to catch me when I fall and pick me up when I'm down and He is the Best Planner.
So.. that's how our comfort zone grows. Things that are used to be frightening will not be as scary anymore. And slowly you'll arrive at your destination!
