Sunday 7 November 2010
ssssssssssssss
I'd better succumb than hurting my dearest friends. I know I've been so selfish, forgive me. I just need some times and I promise everything will be back to normal...
Tormented
I don't know who I can talk to. This feeling, I really want to let it go. But I can't. I really want to talk to someone about it. But I'm just too shy to confess. Every time someone asks me, I always say that I'm okay. But they just don't understand.
Maybe I have to keep it. Maybe it's hard to keep it alone. But I'm a strong girl. I have to deal with every situation. If no one understands then it means I don't need them. Just wish me happy! :")
Maybe I have to keep it. Maybe it's hard to keep it alone. But I'm a strong girl. I have to deal with every situation. If no one understands then it means I don't need them. Just wish me happy! :")
Gloomy October
Since the first time I heard "pelatnas" I've always been scared of it. Afraid that I might fail it. In fact, it really happened. I failed on this one. Sorry I didn't post much when I was there. I barely had time to tell my story. Everyday was so gloomy. you know, my friend said once that being there is like riding on a roller coaster. Sometimes It takes you high, another time it takes you down. But most of the time, I'm so afraid that I might be shameful.
This week I've come back to school. Well, I really really miss my school and my friends. But when it came to Wednesday, suddenly school turned into a hurricane for me. It's hard to accept that I don't get the position I want. Well perhaps I'm not qualified enough. and people might think I really shouldn't deal with things like that, It's so not me. Maybe they think I should just concentrate on lectures or so. Well I don't like people to think like that. They judge me, without really seeing inside me. They don't really know what I actually felt when I was there in Bandung, feeling gloomy everyday, counting the days remained before I could go home. do you think I like being a competitor all the time? Do you think I'm a nerd like all my life I dedicate for biology? hell no! I was perhaps once. When I really gave up my school for this. But can't you see the changes? People change and so do I. But they didn't see it and judged me straightly. I really want to hear their thoughts and I want them to hear mine.
Sorry for my boldness. I just don't know who I can talk to. It's too embarassing to confess to other people. But I just can't keep it shut. Because you know, I didn't pass pelatnas. And it really hurts my heart. Not that I hate to lose. It's okay. I don't want being there for another 2 months. It's what I'm going to do in the next years that I'm mourning on.
And the announcement was given on Friday, so not at the right time. Now I feel like cursing everyone there. Why does everyone think that I will certainly pass? HEY I TOLD YOU I WOULD NOT. WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE?
It's just hurt. It's hurt when everyone thinks I always be happy. like I don't have to do the midterm, my scores are good or something. no, I get that with tears you know? And you just easily said that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. perhaps you think I always get what I want. In fact, I only get what I really struggled for!
I might be hated after anyone reads this. I don't actually care. at least for now. all I want to do is healing the wound. And now I don't get anything. I fail on pelatnas, I fail on my scores at school, I fail with my friends.
Perhaps YOU think that I could catch on and it's so easy for me to do. But please at least for this time, try to feel what I feel.
This week I've come back to school. Well, I really really miss my school and my friends. But when it came to Wednesday, suddenly school turned into a hurricane for me. It's hard to accept that I don't get the position I want. Well perhaps I'm not qualified enough. and people might think I really shouldn't deal with things like that, It's so not me. Maybe they think I should just concentrate on lectures or so. Well I don't like people to think like that. They judge me, without really seeing inside me. They don't really know what I actually felt when I was there in Bandung, feeling gloomy everyday, counting the days remained before I could go home. do you think I like being a competitor all the time? Do you think I'm a nerd like all my life I dedicate for biology? hell no! I was perhaps once. When I really gave up my school for this. But can't you see the changes? People change and so do I. But they didn't see it and judged me straightly. I really want to hear their thoughts and I want them to hear mine.
Sorry for my boldness. I just don't know who I can talk to. It's too embarassing to confess to other people. But I just can't keep it shut. Because you know, I didn't pass pelatnas. And it really hurts my heart. Not that I hate to lose. It's okay. I don't want being there for another 2 months. It's what I'm going to do in the next years that I'm mourning on.
And the announcement was given on Friday, so not at the right time. Now I feel like cursing everyone there. Why does everyone think that I will certainly pass? HEY I TOLD YOU I WOULD NOT. WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE?
It's just hurt. It's hurt when everyone thinks I always be happy. like I don't have to do the midterm, my scores are good or something. no, I get that with tears you know? And you just easily said that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. perhaps you think I always get what I want. In fact, I only get what I really struggled for!
I might be hated after anyone reads this. I don't actually care. at least for now. all I want to do is healing the wound. And now I don't get anything. I fail on pelatnas, I fail on my scores at school, I fail with my friends.
Perhaps YOU think that I could catch on and it's so easy for me to do. But please at least for this time, try to feel what I feel.
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