When I was younger, I had always been a type-A person. I was determined to reach my goal, aspired to be the best whenever possible and took a real hard blow when I failed. I held fast to my principle and spoke up whenever I saw something wrong. I was verbal and sometimes caught up in a debate. Everything was good and went according to plan, I achieved so many things. My dad was proud of me and I was hungry for more achievements. I wanted to be an alpha girl.
Three years ago my life took a nosedive and everything changed. As "life happened", I realized how misguided I was and my mindset shifted over time. I guess when we lose something so precious in life, the world doesn't matter that much anymore. All I want is to reunite with my loved ones and I need to find a way to get there.
I realized that being "worldly" successful, as in the definition of success by most of our society, is not the answer I'm searching for. Not only that it benefits just so little, I'm also afraid that I might hurt some people in the process (though unintentionally). So I did a lot of reflections and I came to a point where I thought I couldn't stay the same person I was. I wanted to do something fulfilling, something that would fill the void in my heart and give my life a different meaning. And I could only feel it when I share with other people.
Interestingly, it doesn't have to be an item that I share, it can be feelings, emotions, and passion. And I could only do this when I open up my heart and my action, something I later discovered as kindness. Kindness will lighten up people's heart and inspire them to pray to Allah for our goodness. Maybe then He'll forgive my sin and let me be with my loved ones.
In my early days of grief, I almost lost my purpose but there's one question that kept me grounded and helped me stay on track :
"How do I want to be remembered after I die"
Through a lot of contemplation of life, I realized that I don't want people to remember me as an alpha girl who's always right and perfect no matter how heartless she is (this actually hit me like a ton of bricks.. and I'm kind of embarrassed to remember how eager I was to fit into this description at that time). Rather, I want to be remembered as a person whose presence brings smile, warmth, and security in another person. I want to be remembered as someone who's kind and gentle. I can't say I'm there yet, there's still a lot of work to do and I'm struggling. There are also times where being kind is just too taxing (emotionally)..
In my attempts to be kind, I observe some facts and I want to share it here as a reminder for me too.
1. Being kind to strangers is easy. Being kind to someone we know is a different level.
When I say I want to be a kind person, I don't mean a person who gives out charity to the orphanage or beggars on the street. That also included, but the kindness I emphasize is the kindness to people I'm close with. There's a fact that the closer the people to us, the more challenging it is for us to be kind to them. Why? First, because we expect something in return. We want them to sacrifice as much as we do. When they don't meet our expectation, we get upset and we stop being kind because we think "what's the point?" It's a take-and-give situation. Second, because we know their flaws and for that, we think they don't deserve our kindness.
But it's a whole different story with strangers. We don't expect anything from them. It's a give-and-go situation (more like a hit-and-run hehe). You don't know their reactions whether they reject your act of kindness or acknowledge it, and don't expect them to lend their hands when you need them in the future. Your brain will remember this as a happy moment forever. No expectation broken.
2. Begin with the intention and let the intention be YOU
The only thing that will keep you consistent in being kind is when you do it for yourself and for your inner peace. I don't mean to be kind with hope that people will give something to you. If that's the case, you're being kind for them (to make them happy enough to reward you in return). Although it might sound altruistic, it's not a strong foundation because you can never control other people's reaction. And letting our motivation depend on something so volatile like that is the recipe for inconsistency. What I mean with "let the intention be you" is to be kind because you deserve inner peace. Not because they're kind, but because YOU are kind. You are freeing yourself from expectation that is prone to disappointment.
For example : you have a colleague whom you find difficult to be kind to because of his/her attitude. If you're kind because of you and for the sake of your inner peace, you will continue to treat him/her with respect NOT because you approve their behavior, NOT because you are weak, NOT because you are scared.. BUT because :
You are STRONG therefore you resist to bite when you have the power to. You act, not react.
You have such a HIGH standard of integrity that even mere people's cruel behavior towards you won't let you stoop down to their level.
Of course there are some conditions where you have to stand up and fight:
1. If your rights have been violated
2. If people's lives are physically at stake
3. (this one is my personal opinion) If it's gonna impact your life significantly at least in the next 3 years
Other than those 3, if some people are just messing or hurting my ego, then I am not biting.
3. Being kind is the most selfish thing you can do
One thing I learn from this journey is that being kind is an act of selflove. How can it not?
I thought I make other people happy by sharing and being kind, but in fact I'm doing something that brings me fulfillment, happiness, and... if i'm lucky.. like-minded friends and their loyalty to me.
But most importantly, I believe in the reward Allah has promised for kind people in the afterworld. And trust me.. Even if your kindness is disapproved by other people, the goodness will find its way back to you one way or another. It's God's words not mine (QS 17:7)
4. If you have to choose between being right and being kind, choose kind
If you choose to be kind, you will always be right. WHY?
The fact is, in most situations, there's no clear line between black and white. There's always 2 sides of the story. You may think something is wrong based on your perspective, but add in x,y,z factors then it becomes acceptable. Also, being wrong is part of learning, that's how we grow, and you'll always have an army of friends who'll support you if you're kind. However, if your relationship with people goes sour, quite frankly, no one will back you up if you mess up.
Being kind here means you always try to maintain a positive emotion and empathy with other people. It doesn't mean you cannot correct someone else if they are in the wrong, especially if it involves other people's lives. But you can always tell them with kindness, not with anger and revenge like saying "i told you so". If it's not so important matter, then you can always just be kind. You may be right, but you may not be the right person to tell them.
I recently faced a situation where I wanted to give up being kind to someone because I had enough of his/her attitude. It frustrated me, angered me... so I sit down and write.. I hope whenever I feel like being kind is not worth it, I come back to this article and realign my mind again. Cause I will never know how far my kindness will go. What I know is that kindness will create a ripple effect where the person I'm being kind to will be kind to other people, and so on.
Always remember, be kind not because other people are kind, but because YOU are.
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