The fear of being left behind

Hi readers.. it's been years since I posted an article on my blog

Many things have changed during the last 3 years:
1. I have finished my medical study (so now I'm a licensed doctor..!! isn't that scary? :o)
2. I am married to a man of my dream (still have no kid, though)
3. I have moved from my lovely, jammed-everyday city --Jakarta-- to a nice, small island called Batam (google it! it's located just beside Singapore)

In a flash, it seems like I'm following "the ideal pathway" of an Asian girl : be a doctor, married at 25, live in a paradise island. But no..

I'm still thankful to God for giving me the best life I could ever wanted. But, adult-ing is surely not that easy.

The thing is.. I have not applied for any job currently. Why?! --> It's been 5 months since the last time I practiced my medical skill because I had to live in Singapore for a while, but I cannot practice there due to the regulation and stuff. You know, medicine -just like any other knowledge, follows the rule of "use it or lose it". I'm kinda like, losing my confidence a little bit and I just want to refresh my skill and knowledge before I get in gear again. But it turns out, I'm kinda stuck in my comfort zone (somebody please pull me up from this black hole :( )

But you know, living in a small island like Batam.. there aren't many thing you can do. Well actually there are.. but, not as much as I have back in Jakarta. It's where my alma mater is, I have a lot of network to create any project. But here, I'm starting over from scratch and the idea just scares me.
Believe me, I tried to make friends.. But the fear crept in again.

This is when I realize the importance of self control and determination. Where does all of my motivation go? Did I leave it in Jakarta? Did it fade away in Singapore?

It seems like I'm using so much excuses which I swore I'd never make. I did try to apply scholarships but got turned down several times, I did try to submit my work in a competition but still no luck. I think I'm kinda exhausted from all the rejections that I received and I slowly became 'numb' to my ambitious dreams and goals, stucked in my comfort zone where I will never have to taste failure. Meanwhile, I saw my friends' progressing with their lives; having a job, hanging out with a few best friends, raising up adorable children, participating in prestigious conferences, pursuing a master degree in a reputable university, etc (thanks for dragging me here, inst*gr*m)

I'm lying if I say I do not envy them. But it's not their achievements that I envy of. It's the energy and determination to keep doing the things they love. Meanwhile, look at me.. I'm a useless scholar that can't even reproduce. It's only the beginning of 2020 but I'm already feeling desperate.

I know that sooner or later I'm going to catch up again, but baby steps this time. It's just not me to live in a self-disdain like this forever. But I'm documenting this feeling cause I know at some point in our lives, bad things happen and it's okay. It's just life. Yea, I'm feeling crappy today but not for the rest of my life.