Familiar Comfort

I don't even know where to start. This post has been on my draft since January but I never had the courage to finish it. But since you've already made the call, it's water under the bridge now.

I dedicate this post to my colleagues (you know who you are) and to the beautiful city that forever holds a special place in my heart. I may forget what I did there in detail and what my life was like back there, but trust me, the feeling lasts forever in my heart, it's called comfort. And I'm never afraid to admit to people or whoever read this that yes, my life has been comfortable and it doesn't mean I'm weak. I'm sorry if yours are not. And here's a tribute to people who have made it all possible as a sign of gratitude, respect, and love.

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Flashback - 6mo ago

I remember saying "If I got accepted, I will feel happy but not sure about the responsibility that comes along with it. If I don't get accepted, maybe I will be sad, but I'm glad because that means I can spend more time with you. Then, you replied, "I hope you get accepted. You will handle the responsibility better than the disappointment." It's just one of the many times you encourage me with positive affirmation, that everything will be fine, I am going to be just fine. 

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Flashback - 2yrs ago

I really like to start my story with flashbacks. Two years ago, I thought I would never return to practice again. My career pause which was meant to be a year stretched into 3 years and I felt too far behind to catch up with the skills and competence that my gold fish memory could retain. I was ready to give up my dream of becoming a neurologist. I was kind of frustrated, but I decided to make dua for a whole month during Ramadhan 2022 for Allah to open a door for me, be it getting a degree or start working again. Anything to get me out of the nothingness. Bear in mind, at that time I wasn't sure what I wanted and I didn't prepare myself for anything. I think it was only a fear of missing out cause I felt stuck while my friends were progressing with their career or their family. At the end of Ramadhan, I saw a job vacancy ads on telegram. With little preparation, I signed up and everything started to fall into places just whoosh like that. Another answered prayer.

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Flashback - Day 1 in Batam 

I remember the second time I set foot on Batam, I was nervous and felt a lil heavy for leaving my comfort zone, Singapore, where my life was hassle-free. Yes, I did take online courses and remote job occasionally, but they weren't long-term commitment. That time I was really into climbing and I was at my peak performance... and I left. Silly me. But again, I thought, the joy of climbing only lasted while the adrenaline's there. Once it's flushed away, I'd go home from the gym feeling empty and underachieving. So I took the big leap and left my dearest Singapore. 

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Flashback - Day 1 at work

As I said, 3 years off the clinical practice made me sweat bucket everytime I go to work. "Will I make a correct diagnosis? Will I remember all the dosage for children? Will the specialist accept my consult?" Fortunately, you had the mercy to place me at the ward for a couple of months and assigned me for low-risk cases instead of loaded me with difficult cases that I wasn't capable of just yet. I don't see this as an underestimation, I see this as a gesture of understanding. Another unexpected turn (but in a good way) was that my old school friend happened to work at the same hospital (Yet, another help from Allah. He knew I needed it). I remember having a premature neonate coming out blue and not breathing and I had to resuscitate and intubate the baby. I was trembling and I wasn't sure I could do it, so I called for help. It was my colleague who responded and he was so ready to lend me a hand. I will never forget that.

Slowly, I made friends with my colleagues. We discussed cases together, we helped each other out when the ED was crowding or when the ward needed more help. I will never forget the breakfast we had every Tuesday morning, I always looked forward to it. We began to bond inside and outside the hospital. We went to the beach, the cafe. We hiked for the first time in my life and I will never forget the excitement that made me lose sleep the night before. We vented and complained about the shitty system (but we did it anyway). We shared our dreams and visions.. All these memories I'll never forget. I feel like when I'm in Batam, the intimacy among my friends, the city, and the nature is palpable. Everything feels more romantic. 

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My presence might be insignificant to you. I'm just like other people who's come and gone in the past. But to me, this whole experience has left a deep impression in my life. You changed the way I see life and relationships. I never imagined a life so peaceful, yet fulfilling. You brought hope into my heart that I will not spend the rest of my life lonely. What did I do in the past to deserve good souls like you as my friends? This mere post doesn't do me justice as I'm struggling to find the right word for my feelings. But you know deep down I miss you terribly. What makes me scared is not knowing whether in 4-5 years when I come back, it will all be the same that we won't grow apart. But, I will be fine, just like you said. Even if one day we reunite but we grow apart, I'm still grateful for the thing we had in the last 2 years. It was real and I'll always cherish that period of my life.

Finally, after coming back and forth with the reality for almost 5 months, I have come to terms that this chapter of my life has ended no matter how hard I try to preserve it. I can only stall the transition, but it will eventually come to an end. It was hard to leave the life you love the most, but there's no other way but to move forward. Looking back, I find it very hard to leave a peaceful mind and genuine friends. But, as you assured me before I left, "You will find comfort and a new family in your new place, Sarah". I believe in that, so let this post be a reminder that if we do good, we'll be a magnet for good people too. Kindness goes a long way. I felt anxious and lonely when I arrived in Batam too, but in the end it turned out to be so good that I'm attached to it. So maybe I would feel the same way when my study ends too. 

I hope you remember me everytime you see coffee, a climbing wall, or a bronze car. I don't know which one hurts more, me leaving you or me being forgotten by you. Till we meet again, my sweet paradise.