Inadequate

Lately my heart feels a little heavy from letting so many people down. Though I'm not sure if those people care about me. Maybe my mind is playing trick. Maybe I'm too narcissistic, thinking that those people care, when they're actually just think of me as their KPI. 

But here I am, mourning yet another mistake that I made. I overlooked the details because I was too focus on fixing my pride. Maybe I care too much of what other people say, am I? I used to care about the little things, but why did I not this time? How did I let this thing happened under my watch? This is a shameful, shameful mistake. Could I even forgive myself?

I think I'm losing myself day by day. Have I lost my edge? Cause I don't feel like the person I used to know, the girl who was very sharp and confident. Where is she now? Where did I go wrong? Somewhere along this journey, she is lost. Maybe somewhere along the journey I mistook softness with weakness. I think he's right, when I soften, I become weak. 

They say the first step to healing is acknowledging. It's hard to say it out loud, but Lupine hear me out

I admit my defeat

For now, and I hope not for long. I admit that I let my guard down. This identity crisis needs fixing and fixing needs time. But maybe this is just what I needed so I won't spiral down this bad habit further. 

I'm sorry, I wish I was much better, but I'm not

I won't quit, I'm too stubborn for it

I just need you to bear with me a while longer, if you really care

Should I worry because I'm not worried anymore?

There was a time where I worried so much about my career, my achievement that I irritated the people I love. I sacrificed a lot and I often put them second or third. I got what I wanted, but I lost a lot. I hated that. I hate to miss family events, milestones of my loved ones. The cheers and happiness when we gathered around but I wasn't able to come. I hated that

Now that I have an opportunity to study further, I tell myself that I'm not gonna sacrifice that much again. I'm not gonna lose anymore milestone for my sole achievement. Being a mediocre is enough. I don't want to lose my life because of my study.

My study is a very long journey, I don't want to exhaust myself from the beginning. I want to finish the journey at my own pace. I started to do different things from what I used to do. I took longer time to finish (I always did) because I always think I'm a slow learner. I couldn't care less. 

But tonight, I came to realize that I misunderstood this concept the whole time. Taking things at your own pace doesn't mean you should finish your task longer. It means I should finish on time with the best that I could do without making so much sacrifice. Time is the limit. 

Maybe I forgot that trying my best is also a form of love.

I used to think that it's easy for people to say "I'd die for you" to their loved ones. But how many of them are willing to "live for their loved ones"?

Maybe, me unwilling to sacrifice some of my time is a similar form of "I'd die for you".  But me willing to finish the task whatever the result is, is a form of "I'd live for you". Me willing to face critics from the supervisor or senior is a form of "I'd live for you".

Just maybe.. this will make me start to worry about my work performance again. Maybe, I will change for the better. I still have that sparks to give my best effort somewhere deep down my mind and heart. Maybe this will fire that sparks again.