Red Card

They say when your mind is tangled, write it down. So here I am, trying to sort my mind out. 

I'm gonna start with how I'm feeling right now. I feel ashamed, guilty and unworthy. I feel like I don't deserve to be a doctor. Just when I thought I might actually improve, that I finally have some qualities to show, I made a mistake. I can't lie if I say I'm not shaken by this. If there's anything I hate most in this world is a lack of integrity. But Sarah, you've just become one of them

Now stop sobbing and reflect

1. Never leave loose ends

I realized I've been doing it a lot and it's actually my weakness. Why are you doing it, Sar? because you're avoiding things, avoiding uncomfortable conversation, avoiding responsibility, maybe? I think my subconscious mind believes that if something is unclear, if the other side hasn't confirmed anything then I shouldn't be too aggressive, let it stay unclear.

No, that's actually a recipe for disaster and a ticking bomb for yourself

If there's anything unclear, sort it out. The sooner you hear the bitter news, the better. Don't avoid conflict

When did you start becoming such a people-pleaser? If you think you already have so much on your plate, then communicate. Somewhere along the way, you confused being professional with being annoying. Getting things clear and asking for clarity (even if it means more work for the other side or for yourself) does not make you a terrible PPDS. 

2. Your Working Memory is Limited

I have to admit, i think my history of depression (when covid hit and I was coping with infertility) has affected my cognitive function more than I realized. My memory capacity has declined badly. Don't get me wrong, this isn't me making excuses. 

I was the valedictorian at every level of my education (elementary school, junior high, high school, even premed). I'm not flexing, but I'm stating facts. If someone think you're stupid or lazy they're wrong, they just don't know you.

They say the first step to growth and making amends is admitting your flaws. So I admit it, I may not as sharp as I used to be, but that just means I need some extra tools to help myself remember things and avoid skipping them. Know your weakness and anticipate it, Sar.

3. Nothing is Permanent

Yes, you messed up. It's also okay to feel embarrassed. Anyone would feel ashamed after making this kind of mistake, especially when the mistake is also exposed in the whatsapp group where friends, junior, and senior can see. Some of them might look down on you, some might pity you. But that's okay, own it. That doesn't mean you'll stay incompetent forever. More often than not, mistakes like this stays with you, not as something to be ashamed of but as something that makes you better. PPDS is humbling. No matter how smart you are, at some point you will make mistake. That just makes you human. 

And even though the journey in EPL hasn't been smooth, that doesn't mean it's the end of EPL for you. That doesn't mean you can't learn to love this subject again. To be honest, my interest in EPL has just started to bloom. I might even consider taking deeper course on how to read EEG waves. I truly believe I can grow to love anything, IF I meet the right teacher or person to open my eyes. If, in the end you're given a punishment (which I hope is to share about your mistakes), then this might be the chance for you to be the reason someone falls in love with EPL. You might be the person who changes the image of EPL from something frightening (like how I was brainwashed to see it) into something exciting.

4. You Choose Your Direction

What happened has already happened. But it's now on your hand whether you want to stay low forever, drowning in guilt and shame, spiraling downward. Or you can swallow that pride, keep moving. 

Let yourself be vulnerable. You don't have to be a model that people look up to, instead don't give a fuck with how people see you. You can fucked up and fucked up again but still have the guts to show up. That's strength. 

I know you can do this. If you were a loser, you WOULDN'T be good at wall climbing, Sar, because it's hard and difficult. You wouldn't be good at something hard. If you were someone who gave up easily, you wouldn't have climbed tough routes and won climbing competitions (not one, but many). You are relentless, you just haven't been treating yourself with the same forgiveness you give others. You label yourself too early with harsh names. and you need to stop doing that. 

Again, you might have made a bad decision, but you are NOT a bad person

Someday, you'll look back on this day and realize this is exactly how it's supposed to happen

It was necessary for your growth

Hold your head high

Keep moving forward

Super Power

I don't want to say that it's your super power because you're so far away from being super. But if I have to choose a trait that I like from you the most, I think it's persisting.

You have been put in situations where you started out as the underdog in the room, especially where it still feels foreign to you. People stared at you as you failed miserably, watching you being humiliated publicly. You wonder what they secretly think of you. Do they pity you? Do they enjoy the entertainment that happens before their eyes? You're wondering if the story of your foolish mistakes and failures become a dinner-table story for others to laugh at

But instead of listening to every possible scenarios that run in your head, you took the uncomfortable way to embrace the suck. You walk the path that most people on earth don't do; to sacrifice your ego and willing to look stupid for the sake of growing in the long term

If there's one thing I like about you is that you are not afraid of looking foolish because you know nothing is permanent. You didn't hide from your fear, you didn't hide your embarrassment. Instead of running away to protect your ego, you show up. You are moving with fear

It's not easy to show up after a very terrible failure. You might not always try your best and it might contribute to your temporary failure but you forgive yourself. You believe that you are capable of doing difficult stuff, you're just not there yet. You believe that you are able to grow, it's just that you have other thing on your top priorities that you don't want to sacrifice and that's perfectly okay

Over the time you learn to be kind and not be too obsessed about achievement that makes you lack empathy. I don't say it's a bad thing, I don't mean to offend anyone. But you've set your mind that you're building a new label on yourself, you want people to know you as an easy going person who likes to make other people comfortable, not someone who likes to nag, snap or over-criticize, not someone people "fear" because some people are obsessed with being feared. They mistake it with respect, and you realize it and you avoid it. That's a very good self-awareness and emotional strength. That's also something I like about you, by the way

Over your life journey, you also learn to set your new vision. Maybe being competitive was something your old self enjoy and glorify. But as you walk through life, your journey has shaped you. You've decided that you don't want to lose yourself while chasing academic achievements. And it's perfectly okay to change direction. It's okay to not be the brightest one in the room, but you can always be the most improved

For the things that happened today, what's happened already happened, that's taqdir. I know you're hurt, but you have 1 thing I also like the most, forgiving. Forgive people who hurt you, they carry their own trauma and insecurities. That's their problem. Meanwhile, you are a different breed. You are relentless but still kind and "easy" to befriend with. As for people who hurt you, be graceful and forgive them with grace. Not because you are weak, but because you deserve inner peace and you are emotionally mature. Bounce back now because I know you can outperform former self. Make as many mistakes as you need to grow, you learn a lot from them

You have all the things needed to grow

Alhamdulillah

Focus on the process

It will pass

Inadequate

Lately my heart feels a little heavy from letting so many people down. Though I'm not sure if those people care about me. Maybe my mind is playing trick. Maybe I'm too narcissistic, thinking that those people care, when they're actually just think of me as their KPI. 

But here I am, mourning yet another mistake that I made. I overlooked the details because I was too focus on fixing my pride. Maybe I care too much of what other people say, am I? I used to care about the little things, but why did I not this time? How did I let this thing happened under my watch? This is a shameful, shameful mistake. Could I even forgive myself?

I think I'm losing myself day by day. Have I lost my edge? Cause I don't feel like the person I used to know, the girl who was very sharp and confident. Where is she now? Where did I go wrong? Somewhere along this journey, she is lost. Maybe somewhere along the journey I mistook softness with weakness. I think he's right, when I soften, I become weak. 

They say the first step to healing is acknowledging. It's hard to say it out loud, but Lupine hear me out

I admit my defeat

For now, and I hope not for long. I admit that I let my guard down. This identity crisis needs fixing and fixing needs time. But maybe this is just what I needed so I won't spiral down this bad habit further. 

I'm sorry, I wish I was much better, but I'm not

I won't quit, I'm too stubborn for it

I just need you to bear with me a while longer, if you really care

Should I worry because I'm not worried anymore?

There was a time where I worried so much about my career, my achievement that I irritated the people I love. I sacrificed a lot and I often put them second or third. I got what I wanted, but I lost a lot. I hated that. I hate to miss family events, milestones of my loved ones. The cheers and happiness when we gathered around but I wasn't able to come. I hated that

Now that I have an opportunity to study further, I tell myself that I'm not gonna sacrifice that much again. I'm not gonna lose anymore milestone for my sole achievement. Being a mediocre is enough. I don't want to lose my life because of my study.

My study is a very long journey, I don't want to exhaust myself from the beginning. I want to finish the journey at my own pace. I started to do different things from what I used to do. I took longer time to finish (I always did) because I always think I'm a slow learner. I couldn't care less. 

But tonight, I came to realize that I misunderstood this concept the whole time. Taking things at your own pace doesn't mean you should finish your task longer. It means I should finish on time with the best that I could do without making so much sacrifice. Time is the limit. 

Maybe I forgot that trying my best is also a form of love.

I used to think that it's easy for people to say "I'd die for you" to their loved ones. But how many of them are willing to "live for their loved ones"?

Maybe, me unwilling to sacrifice some of my time is a similar form of "I'd die for you".  But me willing to finish the task whatever the result is, is a form of "I'd live for you". Me willing to face critics from the supervisor or senior is a form of "I'd live for you".

Just maybe.. this will make me start to worry about my work performance again. Maybe, I will change for the better. I still have that sparks to give my best effort somewhere deep down my mind and heart. Maybe this will fire that sparks again.