Red Card

They say when your mind is tangled, write it down. So here I am, trying to sort my mind out. 

I'm gonna start with how I'm feeling right now. I feel ashamed, guilty and unworthy. I feel like I don't deserve to be a doctor. Just when I thought I might actually improve, that I finally have some qualities to show, I made a mistake. I can't lie if I say I'm not shaken by this. If there's anything I hate most in this world is a lack of integrity. But Sarah, you've just become one of them

Now stop sobbing and reflect

1. Never leave loose ends

I realized I've been doing it a lot and it's actually my weakness. Why are you doing it, Sar? because you're avoiding things, avoiding uncomfortable conversation, avoiding responsibility, maybe? I think my subconscious mind believes that if something is unclear, if the other side hasn't confirmed anything then I shouldn't be too aggressive, let it stay unclear.

No, that's actually a recipe for disaster and a ticking bomb for yourself

If there's anything unclear, sort it out. The sooner you hear the bitter news, the better. Don't avoid conflict

When did you start becoming such a people-pleaser? If you think you already have so much on your plate, then communicate. Somewhere along the way, you confused being professional with being annoying. Getting things clear and asking for clarity (even if it means more work for the other side or for yourself) does not make you a terrible PPDS. 

2. Your Working Memory is Limited

I have to admit, i think my history of depression (when covid hit and I was coping with infertility) has affected my cognitive function more than I realized. My memory capacity has declined badly. Don't get me wrong, this isn't me making excuses. 

I was the valedictorian at every level of my education (elementary school, junior high, high school, even premed). I'm not flexing, but I'm stating facts. If someone think you're stupid or lazy they're wrong, they just don't know you.

They say the first step to growth and making amends is admitting your flaws. So I admit it, I may not as sharp as I used to be, but that just means I need some extra tools to help myself remember things and avoid skipping them. Know your weakness and anticipate it, Sar.

3. Nothing is Permanent

Yes, you messed up. It's also okay to feel embarrassed. Anyone would feel ashamed after making this kind of mistake, especially when the mistake is also exposed in the whatsapp group where friends, junior, and senior can see. Some of them might look down on you, some might pity you. But that's okay, own it. That doesn't mean you'll stay incompetent forever. More often than not, mistakes like this stays with you, not as something to be ashamed of but as something that makes you better. PPDS is humbling. No matter how smart you are, at some point you will make mistake. That just makes you human. 

And even though the journey in EPL hasn't been smooth, that doesn't mean it's the end of EPL for you. That doesn't mean you can't learn to love this subject again. To be honest, my interest in EPL has just started to bloom. I might even consider taking deeper course on how to read EEG waves. I truly believe I can grow to love anything, IF I meet the right teacher or person to open my eyes. If, in the end you're given a punishment (which I hope is to share about your mistakes), then this might be the chance for you to be the reason someone falls in love with EPL. You might be the person who changes the image of EPL from something frightening (like how I was brainwashed to see it) into something exciting.

4. You Choose Your Direction

What happened has already happened. But it's now on your hand whether you want to stay low forever, drowning in guilt and shame, spiraling downward. Or you can swallow that pride, keep moving. 

Let yourself be vulnerable. You don't have to be a model that people look up to, instead don't give a fuck with how people see you. You can fucked up and fucked up again but still have the guts to show up. That's strength. 

I know you can do this. If you were a loser, you WOULDN'T be good at wall climbing, Sar, because it's hard and difficult. You wouldn't be good at something hard. If you were someone who gave up easily, you wouldn't have climbed tough routes and won climbing competitions (not one, but many). You are relentless, you just haven't been treating yourself with the same forgiveness you give others. You label yourself too early with harsh names. and you need to stop doing that. 

Again, you might have made a bad decision, but you are NOT a bad person

Someday, you'll look back on this day and realize this is exactly how it's supposed to happen

It was necessary for your growth

Hold your head high

Keep moving forward