Inadequate

Lately my heart feels a little heavy from letting so many people down. Though I'm not sure if those people care about me. Maybe my mind is playing trick. Maybe I'm too narcissistic, thinking that those people care, when they're actually just think of me as their KPI. 

But here I am, mourning yet another mistake that I made. I overlooked the details because I was too focus on fixing my pride. Maybe I care too much of what other people say, am I? I used to care about the little things, but why did I not this time? How did I let this thing happened under my watch? This is a shameful, shameful mistake. Could I even forgive myself?

I think I'm losing myself day by day. Have I lost my edge? Cause I don't feel like the person I used to know, the girl who was very sharp and confident. Where is she now? Where did I go wrong? Somewhere along this journey, she is lost. Maybe somewhere along the journey I mistook softness with weakness. I think he's right, when I soften, I become weak. 

They say the first step to healing is acknowledging. It's hard to say it out loud, but Lupine hear me out

I admit my defeat

For now, and I hope not for long. I admit that I let my guard down. This identity crisis needs fixing and fixing needs time. But maybe this is just what I needed so I won't spiral down this bad habit further. 

I'm sorry, I wish I was much better, but I'm not

I won't quit, I'm too stubborn for it

I just need you to bear with me a while longer, if you really care

Should I worry because I'm not worried anymore?

There was a time where I worried so much about my career, my achievement that I irritated the people I love. I sacrificed a lot and I often put them second or third. I got what I wanted, but I lost a lot. I hated that. I hate to miss family events, milestones of my loved ones. The cheers and happiness when we gathered around but I wasn't able to come. I hated that

Now that I have an opportunity to study further, I tell myself that I'm not gonna sacrifice that much again. I'm not gonna lose anymore milestone for my sole achievement. Being a mediocre is enough. I don't want to lose my life because of my study.

My study is a very long journey, I don't want to exhaust myself from the beginning. I want to finish the journey at my own pace. I started to do different things from what I used to do. I took longer time to finish (I always did) because I always think I'm a slow learner. I couldn't care less. 

But tonight, I came to realize that I misunderstood this concept the whole time. Taking things at your own pace doesn't mean you should finish your task longer. It means I should finish on time with the best that I could do without making so much sacrifice. Time is the limit. 

Maybe I forgot that trying my best is also a form of love.

I used to think that it's easy for people to say "I'd die for you" to their loved ones. But how many of them are willing to "live for their loved ones"?

Maybe, me unwilling to sacrifice some of my time is a similar form of "I'd die for you".  But me willing to finish the task whatever the result is, is a form of "I'd live for you". Me willing to face critics from the supervisor or senior is a form of "I'd live for you".

Just maybe.. this will make me start to worry about my work performance again. Maybe, I will change for the better. I still have that sparks to give my best effort somewhere deep down my mind and heart. Maybe this will fire that sparks again. 

When You Slow Down

It's very easy to be swept away in the endless rush of the world. Often times we're too busy chasing one high to another till we forget why we do those things in the first place.

Sometimes we're too busy chasing the dreams we've always wanted. The dream we believe would make us happier, yet we forget to be happy in the present moment. We're too busy trying to provide for the people we love, thinking it would make them happy, yet we forget what they need the most, our affection. 

Working as a healthcare worker has opened my eyes to the ugly part of life. I see death and grief, I see people part with their loved ones unexpectedly. I saw a woman kissed her husband goodbye, I saw parents hugged their child for the last time, I saw brothers losing their sister. It was devastating. I heard their cries and I felt their grief and I can't help but thinking if I were in their shoes. How am I going to handle the loss of my loved ones? Have I loved them deep enough? Have I given them the affection they deserve?

All meetings end in farewell, no matter how joyful the connection is, everything must come to an end. That idea alone can freak me out and break me down to tears. I love my family so much I can't imagine parting with them. Sometimes I wonder whether it's me leaving them or they leaving me. I hate to imagine the darkness that would hunt me days after they're gone. But I also hate to imagine them suffering and grieving for my passing. And my husband has already gone through so much heartbreaks in this world, I can't bear to let him experience another loss, me.. I love him so much. May Allah protect your heart from heartbreaks, honey. As for my parents and my other family, someday we're gonna part, that's for sure. But I hope I'd leave no regret when that day comes. I love you, I hope you know that.

I only realized this during covid, during my gap years. It's funny how sometimes, slowing down in life makes you able to see things clearly. When you're rushing, everything just passes by in a blur. You won't be able to catch the detail of every tiny wonder that life offers. You won't be appreciative of the little things. But when you slow down, what seems to be insignificant, becomes important. So slowing down doesn't always mean you're not progressing. Normalize taking breaks and giving up something for other important things you find valuable in life. 

It's Me, I'm the Problem

Hey, I'm at the end of my first residency rotation and I'm glued to my laptop, freezing, unable to finish my report. The case I'm going to present is a very interesting one, albeit missing some key examinations which makes me doubt whether this is a good case to discuss or not. Along the days after caring for this patient, I grew to know him and his family personally. I followed him even after his admission in my department ended. To the point where his surgery was due and his post op complication arose. Even until his final moments came and he eventually passed away, I was shattered. It was an elective surgery and we expected the best. 

But why am I freezing now? Is it because I'm afraid that I'm unable deliver the case well and miss the essence of this case? Or is it because I'm afraid to be labelled as inadequate by my supervisor? Why is it so hard for me to analyze and write? why?! ugh. I feel like I'm going no where and keep down-spiraling uncontrollably. I'm so afraid to let people down even when I'm aware that if I keep doing this, I'm gonna let them down even more.