130 km Away from Home
I woke up at 3, as I had every day for the past ten days. I stared out of the window and took in the view around me. This housing complex held a distinctive charm. It felt calm and serene, the contours of the hills and the villa-style houses had left a deep impression on us, which makes this place an annual visit for us for the last 3 years. Yet that night, a sudden wave of anxiety overtook me as I read a message, one filled with uncertainty but deep down I knew it's coming... disappointment. So, to ease the weight in my chest, I raised my hands and prayed. Rabbi, if I'm meant to make this trip, make it easy for me, cover me.
The Day of Eid
This year's Eid was nothing sort of what I expected it to be. Eid should have been filled with joy and happiness, but I felt anxious. That morning, the bad news I was expecting finally came true. I was waiting, anxiously, when to break the bad news to him and how. I looked at his face, he was so excited and ready for Eid, which made me feel even worse. I whispered, Rabbi, you're the One who puts this feeling in my chest and you're the Best Disposer of all affairs. I'm in desperate need of your help.
And help did come my way. That day, I was spared as someone covered me. Everything went on track again and we continued the journey. But the little voice in my heart was still unsettled. We still made the trip and continued the rest of 400kms because once again, help did come my way, you were scheduled on duty. For him, it was the trip he's been looking for and he was sort of disbelieve I could actually come along. I could not believe it either because it felt too good to be true. But because it felt too good to be true, I was on guard all the time. It's like I was ready for bad things to happen.
I drove a few hundred kms and then we switched when we arrived at town. That's when I was flooded with your message which I never expected to hear from you. You, despite knowing I was 400kms away from town, disregarded our own friend's ability and demanded my immediate presence. You, despite me telling you and begging for your understanding, still shot me down with your tone-deaf message.
So that night I broke the news to him. I won't share the detail here for it was too painful and traumatic. I couldn't forget his disappointed face, how he must have thought I don't prioritize him. But more than that, I was shattered because I was a coward, I wasn't brave enough to stand up for myself, for him, for his family because I succumbed to the flawed system.
And that night, with a heavy heart, we planned our early return and cancel our plan. We drove back.
The stay that was supposed to last 3 nights turned to just 1/2 night. I cried as I packed my suitcase filled with the dresses I planned to wear twinning with him. The board games we planned to play at night with his siblings during our stay. All these stuff that I didn't even manage to take out of the suitcase, but I already took it back with me to Jakarta.
I couldn't help but thinking. Is this how it works?
When I have already planned ahead and I have made sure I don't break any rules. But the flawed system demanded me to come back for something that could actually be done by someone else present at that moment. Even if it cannot be represented by someone else out of our division, why did you disregard our friend who was was willing to cover me (out of his kind heart) while I was gone? Yet, once again your tone-deaf message demanded me to come back because you're afraid
I write this blog as a tribute for my husband who's been patient enough to endure this system. This is me standing up for him. So if you by any chance read this blog, I have some messages for you
1. Fear Allah and start doing the 5 times prayer. I don't care whether you believe in Allah or not, but I've warned you so you won't have the rights to sue me in the akhirah for not warning you
2. Treat people how you want to be treated. What goes around, comes around. I'm gonna say it loud and clear: You hurt me. You hurt me so bad that I hope it never happen to other people, including you. The feeling of letting your loved one down and seeing their disappointed face.... I hope your loved ones would never have to go through the trauma like my husband did because it's not fair for them. You could have let our friend cover me and I shouldn't have to leave my family on Eid just because you're afraid of someone above you.
3. I don't demand sorry because it's already happened. I know Allah is the Best Planner and He must have something for me, be it to test me or to protect me from any harm. But still I'm writing this blog clear and loud because this is a dzalim action and I have the responsibility to speak.
If tomorrow and the day after you find me talking to you as usual, remember that it's not because I'm weak, but because I want Allah to forgive me brutally in akhirah the way I have brutally forgiven you.
