Shiver

Dear readers...

Today was just an ordinary day.

Tomorrow I'll be starting the last module in this semester. Time flies so fast here..phew. It's good that I haven't felt too much pressure so far. I always pray for the best.

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I never have any problem with being alone. You teach me how to survive by my own. You said to trust no one and so I live with that conviction. There comes time when I have to open my arms, to put others before my own. But how am I supposed to react? When all my life has been dedicated to me. How am I supposed to master altruism? When all I ever learn is egoism? Everyday I try to figure out

what goes wrong with what I 'm doing, which step that I'm missing. At this point, right now, it's just really hard not to hate this reflection off the mirror. Does this sound normal at all?

Who am I anyway..

to deserve your attention.

From Your Little Girl (2)

Mencari Jati Diri

Dear readers,

Kalau aku sebut Mohammad Ali, tinju yang kaupikir
Jika aku sebut Bill Gates, lambang Microsoft seketika muncul
Ya, tinju dan Microsoft adalah kata yang selalu mengiringi nama mereka

Tapi, jika kusebut namamu, apa yang orang pikir?
Jika orang menyebut namaku, apa yang kaupikir?



Stereotype [n]
fixed idea of what sb/sth is like



Setiap orang memiliki stereotype, sesuatu yang paling baik ia lakukan
Sampai-sampai orang lain selalu mengingatnya,
Sampai-sampai orang lain mengencapnya dengan sesuatu itu

Dan aku ingin stereotype orang terhadapku
adalah sesuatu hal yang paling aku gemari
satu hal yang paling bisa kulakukan

Tetapi bahkan hingga saat ini aku masih mencari
One thing that I'm best at

Hingga Akhir Hayat

Ilmu-Mu terlalu luas untuk kupahami,
terlalu dalam untuk kuselami
Tetapi semakin kumenyusurinya,
semakin aku terkesima dibuatnya
semakin aku terpaut padanya
Untuk itu, mudahkan aku dalam mempelajari ilmu-Mu
Ringankan aku dalam mengamalkan ilmu

"Wahai Dzat Yang Maha Memiliki Ilmu, berikanlah aku ilmu yang bermanfaat, rizqi yang halal, dan amalan yang diterima"

Balance

When a man stands up for himself

A conductor of his own symphony

where tragedy and triumph play in harmony

A man behind the wheel

The strongest storm can't break his will

For he has always been a soloist,

a man whose mind I can't decode,

solving the puzzle that life untold

is like living in a mine of gold.

For he is the center of my gravity

I look at him and it makes me worry

Will I ever be a part of your destiny?

Or will I just get lost in my own story?

Will I ever make room for somebody?

Am I willing to disturb my tone with your melody?

I wish I could just skip this phase

But it won't change whom I'll embrace

---------------------------------------------------------o0o-------------------------------------------------------------

Not quite a love verse

It's just some thinking that crossed my mind while studying human reproductive system

Wish me success for tomorrow's exam!

I choose

Since the day I made that decision

I realize

People stare at me as I pass through

They look at me from head to toe

Some look down on me

Some show amusement or confusion

I realize

I could have taken an opposite decision

I could turn my world upside down anytime I want

People may still stare at me as I walk

But they would show different look

I'd have had all I've always wanted

Do everything I want without constraint

Be what ever I like without being questioned at

Hang out all night and go home late

Have fun with brats

and perhaps go on dates

I could have done that

I could

But I don't

I choose to believe in Him who knows me best

I choose to be patient and bury my beast

All I want will come to me at last

I choose to hide away my treasure

So that only one who's earnest enough will find the pleasure

One who sees me by the heart

Not by the clothe I wear

nor by the way I pull my hair

So, yes I choose to be patient

And let Him choose for me

Where's Your Spirit?

Well, I've been thinking a lot about it since I was in junior high. No, actually since my parents taught me the meaning of trying. This issue came up again when I met 2 little girls in my neighborhood while I was running.

They're known as JJ, an abbreviation for Jeni and J(z)ahra (that's what they said). They usually ride their bike around the graveyard in our neighborhood (the graveyard, despite its mystical atmosphere, is so shady and calm that people use it to do some exercises and play with their children). They're still in 2nd and 3rd year of elementary school. They live near the graveyard, a small place where the illegal transmigrants live. Btw, they're neighbors. Frankly speaking, they come from a low socio-economic family. Why do I tell you this? You'll see later.

So, one afternoon I met them again for the several times. As I ran, they followed me with their bike and we chatted. But, when we got into one corner, they stopped. It turned out that there were boys at the other end of the road whom they avoided to meet. I asked why and they replied, "We teased him and now he's mad at us. We're afraid." "what did you tease him about?" "I said that he has crush on Jahro," said Jeni. Ah so...

And to my surprise, they started talking about love, love, and love. What I couldn't stand was to see them giggle while talking about it. As far as I could remember, I didn't know about love until I was in 4th year elementary school. Was I too late to know about love?

Then, I became very curious to determine the risk factors of their "precocious" love life hehe. After a short interview, I can conclude that it's their home atmosphere which contributes to their behavior. Their parents watch sinetron with them. (again and again, I can't stop blaming SINETRON for the deterioration of our young generation's quality). I can't stop thinking why parents allow their underage children to watch those things instead of encouraging their children to study hard, instead of motivating their children to have a better life than them. 

On another meeting, I asked them what they wanted to do in the future. They seemed to be really reluctant. Fortunately, they had something in mind. I mean, at least they have a "goal". But, they looked to put less interest in that topic. sad.

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Now, thinking about that story, I feel really blessed to have parents who concern about my future. Who created "a map" or a "grand design" for me, to make it easier for me to live my life. I can't judge  yet whether their plan is successful or not, but I assure you that I have a far better life than they had when they were my age. More than that, I'm grateful to have parents who teach me how to fight and keep struggling for my dreams. I remember being very bored listening to Mom's lecture about hard work, but that time I didn't know  that apparently not every parents teach it to their children. 

It's really sad to see most of our young generations have forgotten about what hard work is. Seeing students at school just want to have fun, wasting their parents' money, while being lazy at school and even concentrate more on their bf/gf than their study really breaks my heart. What can stupid simple crush give you in the future when you no longer have your parents? Don't you realize that this world is so wild that only prepared people have the convenience? Perhaps parents' socio-economic status and education plays a big role in this matter, though it's not the only determining factor. Maybe it's because of their limitation. But, shouldn't children from low-economic family have a big motivation to have a much better life than their parents? Again, maybe it's because their parents never told them so because of their limitation in some ways.

So, I set a rule; whenever I feel weary of the assignments or the overwhelmed materials that I have to learn, I remember them then I swear to keep my spirit up or else I'll be just like them. I love this country too much that I can't bear to destroy it by my own hand, by my own stupidity and carelessness. And maybe it's true that I have so much self-esteem that I don't want to be like them. But it really "nge-gemesin" as well as pitiful to see their soul-less, unmotivated life.

When I entered this university, I met more people who have more dedication and spirit than me. Although it makes me feel a little bit inferior, I know that I have to catch up and learn more from them.

So, dear me, whenever you feel like giving up or being lazy, read this post again. 

And who ever read this, please start living your life with a high spirit to be a useful and better person. It doesn't have to be a high education degree or career position. But, simply a desire to be better, to be useful.

Finally, I apologize once more for my boldness and arrogance (perhaps). I never meant to.

I will

I have lived long enough to feel happy
But short enough to taste tears
I find no excuse to not be grateful for what I am now
Although you're here with me today
I miss our trio running down the street
I miss the laughter, all the sweaty things we've ever done
I miss your touches on my face and kisses on my eyes
I miss your hug whenever you came home
I miss every lesson you gave me with all your heart
I miss all the happiness you always shared with me
And how we always spend time together
And what you did when I felt sad
And how you encouraged me when I felt small
And how blessed I felt that time
Although I miss those things
There's nothing to be done
You're here with me today
And that leaves me with no excuse to be grateful
And someday when you are gone
I won't have a clue about how I will keep moving on
But if you want me to
I will

Naive

"I'm sorry I'm so helpless in this angry world.
If only I could change it for one day"

Please don't quit
You make me believe that I can do more

Sorry for posting this in the middle of Ramadhan
I guess I really am helpless,
Helplessly want to give something for this land that I cherish so much

Telling The Truth

Only a few people dare to tell the truth.

Yes, it takes a lot of courage just to tell people the truth. Especially when the truth concerns their custom, a belief that they hold very dearly, or even someone they idolize or worship. Before you speak up or click the "share" button, you may have thought about all the consequences. Your reputation, your name, and their judgement of you is at stake. One click, one word, and one opinion which has once said, cannot be unsaid. and it will label you forever. That's a whole lot of considerations just to share the truth!

And then people start reacting. Some people spontaneously react at the crime scene. Some other don't speak up their mind because they don't want to trouble themselves. But, inside they don't agree with you, they label you. They may even start hating you, start objecting to your arguments. Some just don't care. And finally, only a few accept your opinion.

It's okay for me to take all the swearing and cursing that are addressed to me. I'm fine, -Aku rapopo-, they're just defending their idol. I had considered every disadvantages I might get for sharing the truth before I spoke up. I had doubted myself ; that I really wanted to take the responsibility of what I would say. And I had deleted and rewritten my messages repeatedly. But in the end, I chose to speak up.

And I don't regret it.

I believe, despite the numerous haters that mock me, deep inside, they will think about it. At least they have heard about it. If I'm lucky, they'll dream about it. So it's no longer my responsibility to inform people about the truth. If they listen to me, I'll be very pleased. But if they don't, please do so. I never insist, I never force anyone into believing what I believe. Someday, the same issue will come up and they will remember my words, a hint that I once gave them but they pushed away. The truth will eventually reveal itself.

I appreciate someone who stands up for the truth more than someone who just do nothing. As if they don't want to taint their images by doing such "controversial" criticisms. Someone who is actually hiding his/her cowardice behind "let's respect plurality". Some people say they don't want to see us fighting with each other so they choose not to speak up. Hahaha I'm very impressed. So you choose to live in harmony while pretending that you don't feel something wrong? I just want to tell them, we got our hands dirty for you too.

I'm not saying that it's acceptable to use provocative words which induce hatred among people. We have to tell the truth with the right methods, of course. But it's natural that people deny to change a value that they believe have been right all this time. That people will hate/mock/disgrace the "preacher" who tells the truth is inevitable.


So, don't be afraid to tell the truth. If you know the truth, share it with the world. It will ease your mind.

Selalu dipandang Sebelah Mata

Ketika kami bersinar, kalian ikut bahagia
Ketika kami jatuh, kalian ikut mencela
Kalian tak pernah merasakan
Bagaimana sakitnya dipandang sebelah mata

Dalam peperangan, kalian bilang semua setara
Apa yang kami bawa perang itu sama
Tidak ada privilege
Tidak ada belas kasih

Kami tidak perlu privilege :p
Kami tidak butuh belas kasih
Dari orang-orang yang memandang kami sebelah mata
Dari orang-orang yang memenjarakan kami

Seorang dokter tidak akan dituntut
Jika sebelum praktik ia menyodorkan informed consent (if you know what i mean)
Kalian boleh bilang kami pengecut, mau enaknya saja, anything you call it!
Tapi kalian lupa

Ada hak kami
Hak kami untuk mendapatkan porsi yang sama dengan mereka
Mereka yang tidak dipenjara, mereka yang tidak terbebani
Oleh kewajiban mengharumkan bangsa

Ketika mereka mengerti semua masalah
Sedang mata kami hanya tertuju pada satu arah
Lalu dalam tempo yang sama
Kami harus memecahkan masalah yang sama

Dan kalian lupa
Bahwa kami adalah tunas-tunas kecil
Yang masih butuh mentari dan nutrisi agar bisa tumbuh dan berbuah
Tunas yang masih belum tentu nasibnya

Dan kalian lupa
Berapa banyak hama dan tunas-tunas lain
yang mengancam pertumbuhannya
yang mendapatkan pupuk lebih banyak dari kami

Lalu kalian meminta kami untuk dewasa
Kalian meminta kami untuk bunuh diri
Tanpa informed consent
Tanpa menjelaskan risiko

Mungkin jika tahu demikian,
kami tidak mau bunuh diri
dan kami akan bersikap dewasa atas segala yang terjadi
karena kami telah berpikir matang

Bukankah bangsa yang besar adalah bangsa yang menghargai pahlawannya?

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Untuk kalian tunas-tunas kecil, bersabarlah karena Allah Maha Adil
Manusia boleh meremehkan kalian, boleh memandang kalian sebelah mata, boleh sok-sokan mengerti, padahal tidak berada di posisi kalian
Tapi sesungguhnya ada yang lebih tahu
Yang lebih mengerti
Yang tidak akan mencemooh kalian meskipun kalian bersikap kekanakan karena kalian memang masih kanak-kanak


Untuk kalian yang mengaku "juara sejati", kalian boleh bilang kami pengecut, lemah, terserah. Karena sesungguhnya juara sejati tidak akan mengatai lawannya. Juara sejati tidak pernah mengaku sebagai juara. Juara sejati memiliki EMPATI, bukan sarkasme.

Self-Confidence Crisis?

Have you ever looked into the mirror and disgrace your own reflection?
Have you ever stared blankly at something while your mind is swept away by your shameful memories?

I do.
And I do that a lot.

I'm a slow learner and I don't have that sharp mind.
I can't really focus on something or concentrate for a long time.
I hate playing a mind-twisting game in which players are showing off their intelligence.
I'm not wise and I hardly give advise to anyone because I know that I'm the one who need the advise more than anyone else.
I can't make good speeches which can burn the audience's passion like every choleric person does.
If I try to make one, I end up being lost in my own maze of sentences.

So who am I?

I'm an impulsive, spontaneous, and simple-minded girl
And I hate wasting my time debating over something important, and obviously also, unimportant matters.
I tell people explicitly and directly what I want to say

Just like a grenade, if you pull the pin, I'll explode.
So easily predictable, I might say.

If it's not because of God's mercy, I'll never have come this far.

And..why am I telling you these?
Maybe because I have to stop being so pathetic.

NTMS

It's hard to find someone who accept you for who you are
Who will wait for you when your pace is slow
Or keep calling you when you're not responding
Some people will immediately desert you
When you -deliberately or not- shut them out
Even people whom you think will never betray you
Because running away is always the easiest way
And you start wondering who's to blame
Certainly it's not all your fault
You're cheering yourself up
But deep down you know you never really try
to open your mind and start learning a new perspective of life
A life seen from different pair of eyes
A circumstance perceived from different hearts
You'll find out that it is you who never accept people for who they are
But you never want to change
You are still too demanding, too controlling, too free to let go
You force people to follow your rhythm
Because you like it that way, don't you?
O my, tell me what I have to do with you

Happy Ending, Please?

Hello readers!

I've just watched "Remember Me" and I'm soo gonna write something about it.

I was bored and just in the mood to watch some cheesy romantic comedy, but I picked a wrong movie instead. hit me, please.

I am about to spoil the movie's ending. Just warning you.
So... here it is

I smelled something wrong when Tyler (the lead actor) went to his father's office and the back sound music's not playing a happy tune. You know what kept popping up in my mind? Something must really going wrong. And then he started peeking into his father's computer. He looked at the old photographs which his father set as his screensaver. I thought his father must kept a secret. Perhaps Caroline's not his daughter that's why he didn't care much about her. But I was wrong.

And then the scene switched to Caroline at her class. I thought, well, maybe she's gonna commit suicide like his brother. But she wasn't.

Then my heart skipped a beat when I tried to remember what happened on September 11 2001. That's the date that Caroline's teacher wrote on the board. That's my aunt's birthday! But wait... I said, "Oh God, I know where this is going".

Instead of his father who was taking Caroline to school, Tyler was there in his father's office, the twin tower. Finding out that his father was actually a family man. But yeah, he's about to die. And left everybody around him empty again. The situation that he's trying to mend since the beginning of the movie just shattered to pieces again. That's horrible.

I'm such a happy-ending girl and I truly regret that the ending has to be this way, this sad.
I know in the real world, everything doesn't always end happily.
But the good ones always have to win! That's the rule.

Do you know why I like movies with happy endings? Because the real world is dreadful enough, why would you make it even worse? Hiks

Read The Sign

Hello readers,

It's gonna be a short post. I'm studying cardiac physioloy right now and I'm so amazed at it that I feel the urge to write something.


1. I'm so mesmerized about how our body's structures are perfectly created and designed that they support the organs to function properly. Take a simple example, our heart valve (katup jantung). They are designed as incredibly as it is to open only to one side (unidirectionally), preventing the backflow of the blood. And how the vasa recta of our kidney bend like that allowing the countercurrent mechanism to occur.

2. I can't stop admiring how our body works. Although it's so complex that I have to put so much effort to understand it and get good scores on my exam ;). For example (I'm not sure if you understand it), before the SA impulse reaches the AV, there is a slight delay. It's meant to give the ventricle time to fill completely and effectively.



It's really hard to explain briefly how amazing our body works , unless you learn it by yourself. The thing is, with every lesson I learn, I become more aware that our body is so complex that it cannot just exist spontaneously. There must be something that creates it. And that something can do far beyond what human  are capable of doing. And I believe it as God (Allah).


So, sometimes I wonder why there are people who don't believe in God, especially if those people are biology experts. Cause i think the best way to observe God's mightiness is by learning about living organisms. And the only thing that human can't create is a soul that makes something alive (bio = life).


So, read the sign that Allah has given through Allah's creations

Mind Palace

Akhirnya hanya kau dan aku lagi

Duduk termenung saling menatap

Di tengah bangku panjang tak berpenghuni

Bahkan nyamuk pun enggan hinggap

Seolah tak ingin mengganggu 2 jiwa tanpa jati diri

Cahaya lampu menyentuh wajahmu

Memperlihatkan sepasang bola mata yang menatap tajam ke arahku

Kedua mata yang selalu berbinar penuh semangat menggebu

Saat kau ungkapkan mimpi-mimpimu padaku

Dulu, ketika kita sering menghabiskan waktu

hanya kau dan aku

Kulihat kini sepasang mata itu sayu

Dan dahi yang selalu kau kernyitkan

Dan lidahmu yang kelu

Ketika aku bertanya kemana mimpi-mimpimu

Malam semakin gelap

Ular besi pun terus bergerak

Membawa kita menapaki kenangan lalu

Semakin jauh, semakin hanyut aku dalam rindu

Hendak kemana kita?

Bukankah kita selalu terombang ambing tanpa tujuan?

Hanya mengikuti kemana angin berhembus

Lalu mengapa kupertanyakan?

Kau tahu aku hanya mengharapkan suatu keajaiban

Yang dapat mendatangkan kembali mimpi-mimpi kita

Yang dapat membuatmu tetap tegar

Kutatap lagi sepasang bola matamu

Aku akan menanti kedatanganmu

Di tempat kita biasa bertemu, Istana pikiranmu

Dan saat itu, seperti saat-saat sebelumnya

hanya kau dan aku

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Definitely not a love verse.

Why am I complaining on the social media?

Hello readers!

I know you may notice that I've been complaining a lot lately. My complaints are mostly about traffic and my study. I do not deny that. In fact, nothing can really boil my blood but the traffic. And when I start talking about it, I probably turn into the most hate-able person on earth.
So, unless you want to pick a fight with me, don't ever, ever, argue with me about the traffic, ever!

I've never felt so disturbed because of the traffic like this before. Not before I finally could drive and experience how ugly it is by myself. There are so many people on the street who disobey the rule, most of them are scooter bikers. And I realized a fact that I cannot close my eyes on wrong doings that happen right in front of me.  I feel like I have the responsibility to correct them. Because if I don't, it means I encourage them to repeat it again. And if I reprove them for disobeying the rule, at least I have tried to disapprove their behavior.

But I can't reprove them, I can't tell them directly that they're doing wrong. I'm outnumbered, they're just too many -the scooter drivers and other "law disobey-er".  :(
This is why I feel so desperate. I want to change something that I'm not capable of.
I thought maybe if I just post my complaint on the social media, my friends will read it and take the lesson from it. And I really hope that more people will read and the change that first seems impossible becomes possible.

I know it's annoying to read people's complaints, as if they're not feeling grateful of what they have. But, if the complaints are to make you realize of what you've been doing wrong, why not spend a little time to read and learn from it?

Fate

Living a life as a med student is a real struggle. I even think we should change the term "med student" to "MAD student" cause it suits us better. Actually, it suits me better. With all the heart-pumping things going on inside, i barely survive each day. Just like walking with my eyes closed, i never know what problems will come up. And i dont know whether i can handle it. Perhaps i will fail it. But thats just fate.

Especially in this campus. People call it "kampus perjuangan". Indeed, I truly agree with them because studying in this campus is really a struggle. And it's like riding on a roller coaster, turning you upside down, carrying you through the loops.

Speaking about roller coaster, I once rode on a roller coaster. At the beginning, I was very scared and anxious. Afraid that I might fall. When I got to the top and the cart was ready to slide down, I didn't care about anything anymore. I just went through it, hoping to pass it even faster. And finally the cart stopped at the station and the game ended. I got off the cart. But do you know what I thought after getting off the cart?

"It was exciting! LET'S DO IT AGAIN"

Sometimes, we are afraid of challenges and just want to skip them.
And after we finish it, we often think back and wish we had enjoyed our single moment.

Human truly never appreciates what they have, unless some of them.
And human never stops worrying about the future until they have an assurance that everything's going to be fine.
But if you are a pious believer of Allah, you shouldn't have worried because you know your fate was already scripted million years ago.

Emotional Turbulence

Hey readers.

I can't figure out why my way of thinking opposites anyone else's.
I just think maybe I have finally found my true self.
I feel bad for hating something that I'm supposed to love.
And for loving something I am supposed to hate.

But I can't love something that I know is wrong
I can't love a thief
I can't love a lier
I don't want to be wounded by a sharp sword

I don't know why I'm being so cynical.
I never try to annoy anybody else
but right now, I feel like making everybody angry.
I want them to get angry at me.
I want to screw everything


what's got into me?


Sometimes I just want to smack everything down.
Tear them apart and throw them away.
I want to grin in victory
while watching them swallowing their pride
Admitting that I've been right all the time



Why can't I be like anyone
Who can keep their anger inside
and let it subside?
Why can't I be a good girl
Who doesn't rebel against nature?


And maybe because the demon
that has been sleeping all these years
finally ready to be aroused.

The Door's Once Again Wide Open

I have been turned down,
one and a time
I wasted my chance,
both consciously and unconsciously

I have been covering the truth
The truth that I buried deep down,
to kid myself so I won't feel guilty,
to shield them from worrying
Or

was it just my arrogant trick to look grand?


I say I don't like flowers
but I draw roses in my dreams
I swear that fire is cold
but fire lights up my dreams

And when I read that line
The next moment I started fantasizing my future
How does it feel?
To breathe the air I never taste
To step on the land I never see
Living a dream that once was burning?

And I see the green light ignites
I'm stepping on the throttle

Vacation

Hello, Stalkers!

This is me, live-reporting from Surabaya. I'm not gonna chat too long now, cause I'm being attacked by mosquitos!

So, I never thought that I could visit my sister this year. I never feel convenient to travel away on the last bits of holiday. I feel like I'm obliged to prepare myself for the next term. But, I remember my friend's motto, "Work Hard, Play Hard". But don't forget that in order to gain more, you have to sacrifice more.

Considering this is my last week of holiday (I can't believe that in less than 4 days I'm gonna have to write my LTM again!!! and that is THE WORST part of going back to school), I won't stay long in Surabaya. Tomorrow, very early in the morning, we (including my father) will go back to Jakarta by car. So we're crossing the Java Island, east to west. It's a JavaTrip!!

That's for now. Good night.



"When you focus on the finish line, you won't have to know how far you've run"