The Outcast

I don't claim myself the noblest or the kindest. But if you're my friend, you have probably seen me defending someone you look down on even after you mention all of their mistakes. And you might feel annoyed because I don't side with you

It's not that I don't side with you

It's just that I know how it feels to be misunderstood

I know how it hurts to be the outcast, to not be chosen

It hurts to see someone gets along well with everyone else, but you

Sometimes you just happen to be at the wrong place and wrong time

So whenever you talk ill about someone, I will be the one defending them

Speak in their name to make you pause and think

Is it their true self or just one bad decision?

but as a friend of mine says

we can't be everyone's cup of tea and we don't have to know why

people who don't try to understand you, don't deserve you

But, no worries, dear. I will keep approaching the outcast

Because I believe that everyone has a wonderful side that has not yet discovered yet

and I will keep doing my thing

I will keep speaking for them when they're quiet

I will keep making sure 

that they feel seen and heard

Just so you know

The side of me that's very sensitive

is the same side who spotted your sadness when nobody did

who shared food with you and checked on you

and spread good thing about you

But if you can relate to this post

I see you, I feel you

You've got this. Keep being you

Self Control

Hey you

It's never too late to chase anything you want

You want focus? go get it

You want gold?  go snatch it

You want peace? go make it

Whoever told you that you have to choose between residency, hobby, and family... certainly don't have a hobby/family they care deeply that they can't live without. Why do you have to choose 1, when you can have them all? Let them think you're greedy or distracted. Let them. You're stretching your limit. Whether you fail it or nail it, you got to be the one who experience it first hand. Your life won't wait until you finish residency

And if you ever feel ashamed for not having a prestigious ambition like other people, just remember that you are allowed to pursue something because you love it and it doesn't make you less of a resident

Dear Allah, if there's a slight arrogance in my tone, please forgive me. But I really want it, I want it so bad my heart pounds every time I think of it. But I know, sometimes when I want something so badly, I came to be the one who ruin it. Please don't let myself ruin it. Please please please.. Help me 

Yellow

Right now I just can't help but thinking, if 3 months ago, I took your complaints seriously, would you still be here right now?

I know I shouldn't have played with IFs, I just can't help it

Nobody told me how to deal with dying family members as a doctor

Nobody told me how to process the feeling as the first person to see the scan showing metastasis

Nobody told me how to break the bad news to your own family, knowing that it would break them as much as it breaks you

Nobody told me how to be the first to notice the signs of multiple organ failure

or the first to know that the ERCP was failed

or the one to know the ICU won't give their bed because of the prognosis

Now you're lying on your deathbed, all I can say is I'm sorry

I'm sorry I can't bring you home like you wanted before you lost consciousness

I'm sorry I can't bring you comfort 

or give you air when you suffocated

I remember when I told you to keep going and you said you' can't wait to heal

You said you wanted to stay to see my children

And come to Batam to visit my place cause you've never been there

Back then you didn't even know what you're dealing with

Everything happened too fast

I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye the last time you were still conscious, cause I didn't want to wake you up from your sleep

I regret that, a lot

There are a lot of things that I'm sorry for

I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough

I'm sorry I was too late

And I'm sorry that, 

no matter how many strings I pulled

I could not beat death

You're like the twin of my mom

Losing you is like losing my own

You know I love you so much

See you on the other side, tante

The Cancelled Plan

130 km Away from Home

I woke up at 3, as I had every day for the past ten days. I stared out of the window and took in the view around me. This housing complex held a distinctive charm. It felt calm and serene, the contours of the hills and the villa-style houses had left a deep impression on us, which makes this place an annual visit for us for the last 3 years. Yet that night, a sudden wave of anxiety overtook me as I read a message, one filled with uncertainty but deep down I knew it's coming... disappointment. So, to ease the weight in my chest, I raised my hands and prayed. Rabbi, if I'm meant to make this trip, make it easy for me, cover me.

The Day of Eid

This year's Eid was nothing sort of what I expected it to be. Eid should have been filled with joy and happiness, but I felt anxious. That morning, the bad news I was expecting finally came true. I was waiting, anxiously, when to break the bad news to him and how. I looked at his face, he was so excited and ready for Eid, which made me feel even worse. I whispered, Rabbi, you're the One who puts this feeling in my chest and you're the Best Disposer of all affairs. I'm in desperate need of your help. 

And help did come my way. That day, I was spared as someone covered me. Everything went on track again and we continued the journey. But the little voice in my heart was still unsettled. We still made the trip and continued the rest of 400kms because once again, help did come my way, you were scheduled on duty. For him, it was the trip he's been looking for and he was sort of disbelieve I could actually come along. I could not believe it either because it felt too good to be true. But because it felt too good to be true, I was on guard all the time. It's like I was ready for bad things to happen.

I drove a few hundred kms and then we switched when we arrived at town. That's when I was flooded with your message which I never expected to hear from you. You, despite knowing I was 400kms away from town, disregarded our own friend's ability and demanded my immediate presence. You, despite me telling you and begging for your understanding, still shot me down with your tone-deaf message.

So that night I broke the news to him. I won't share the detail here for it was too painful and traumatic. I couldn't forget his disappointed face, how he must have thought I don't prioritize him. But more than that, I was shattered because I was a coward, I wasn't brave enough to stand up for myself, for him, for his family because I succumbed to the flawed system. 

And that night, with a heavy heart, we planned our early return and cancel our plan. We drove back.

The stay that was supposed to last 3 nights turned to just 1/2 night. I cried as I packed my suitcase filled with the dresses I planned to wear twinning with him. The board games we planned to play at night with his siblings during our stay. All these stuff that I didn't even manage to take out of the suitcase, but I already took it back with me to Jakarta. 

I couldn't help but thinking. Is this how it works? 

When I have already planned ahead and I have made sure I don't break any rules. But the flawed system demanded me to come back for something that could actually be done by someone else present at that moment. Even if it cannot be represented by someone else out of our division, why did you disregard our friend who was was willing to cover me (out of his kind heart) while I was gone? Yet, once again your tone-deaf message demanded me to come back because you're afraid

I write this blog as a tribute for my husband who's been patient enough to endure this system. This is me standing up for him. So if you by any chance read this blog, I have some messages for you

1. Fear Allah and start doing the 5 times prayer. I don't care whether you believe in Allah or not, but I've warned you so you won't have the rights to sue me in the akhirah for not warning you

2. Treat people how you want to be treated. What goes around, comes around. I'm gonna say it loud and clear: You hurt me. You hurt me so bad that I hope it never happen to other people, including you. The feeling of letting your loved one down and seeing their disappointed face.... I hope your loved ones would never have to go through the trauma like my husband did because it's not fair for them. You could have let our friend cover me and I shouldn't have to leave my family on Eid just because you're afraid of someone above you. 

3. I don't demand sorry because it's already happened. I know Allah is the Best Planner and He must have something for me, be it to test me or to protect me from any harm. But still I'm writing this blog clear and loud because this is a dzalim action and I have the responsibility to speak. 

If tomorrow and the day after you find me talking to you as usual, remember that it's not because I'm weak, but because I want Allah to forgive me brutally in akhirah the way I have brutally forgiven you.