Nothingness

If you're looking for a post that will inspire you, this might not be it

But I promise, this is also not a rant or a complaint either

Lately I've been feeling unmotivated

Quick catch up: I'm in the middle of neuropsychiatry rotation which is honestly another word for mental-health-check rotation a.k.a holiday, we name our whatsapp group so.

Some of my colleagues say I should enjoy this moment to the fullest, just live in the present, go outside of town, refresh my mind. Others would say I should finish my "homework" because this is the only moment I get to have so much time

But I found myself caught in the middle of both. The "surprising" nature of residency makes it hard for me to plan ahead, whether to plan a holiday trip or anything else. There are just too many unexpected factors (my rotation-mate, my shift schedule, etc). So apparently this weekend (this very LONG weekend) where I could have gone out of town or maybe abroad, have to be spent in town WITHOUT my husband cause he already bought a train ticket to Solo last month and it already sold out by the time I decided I could join. But I'm glad and grateful I still got to go to WAHOO last week with my friends. It was an amazing trip, JUJURR

So I just stay at my parents' house this long weekend and turns out, it's just what i needed. 

Neuropsychiatry modules have been going on for 2 weeks, I should have used it to finish my presentation and study for the upcoming exam, but I crippled. I have been having this HUGE mental block lately.

Long story short, I don't know what I want to do anymore. My goals don't seem as interesting as it was. Even climbing and tennis don't seem as exciting. I feel nothing, I'm stuck. 

I want something

I want the old sarah who's full of ideas and always motivated, the old sarah who always gives 100%. Not necessarily have to achieve the big things, no. 

I just want the old sarah who knows what she wants, creates plans to achieve it and demonstrates grit and discipline in executing it. As I stay in my house, the very house which I grew up in for the first 25 years of my life, I'm kind of reminded of what the old sarah used to do.

1. More Reading, Less Screen Time

The old sarah (in her school era) who stayed focus and motivated, spent most of her time drowning in books. At first she just wanted a peaceful environment in the library cause the class felt too loud. Then, a book with cute cover caught her attention. It was a novel. She read the first chapter, not expecting it to be intriguing. Then she finished it. She started looking for another one, then suddenly renting another 3, 4 books per week. It started from novels, then came religious books, self help books, and non-fictions. And that's where her focus and imagination blooms. 

I don't know when this reading habit started to fade, but with the growing technology, somewhere along the way I turned myself to movies and social media to unwind from the routine. I can't blame the inventor of these, cause in the end, user discretion is advised. It's up to me whether I want to use it for a greater good/purpose or just to kill time and satisfy my dopamine addiction

I must admit that I have a very poor self-control and everytime I open instagram, I keep wanting for more attention and interaction from my followers. It's grueling and cruel. I'm not covering this fact cause I'm trying to stay raw and authentic as possible in all my writings (it's my purpose). I'm sure some of my readers feel the same way too. 

I believe that we, human, is a collection of what we choose to do. So earlier last week, I chose to deactivate my instagram account and decided that whenever I feel like expressing myself, I should write on this blog instead (the old sarah liked to write too, just look at those silly writings from before 2012)

2. Pray Harder

When I'm at my parents' house, I feel a dramatic change of vibes. Here, I feel like I'm drawn closer to Allah. My parents, in their late 60s, are enrolled in islamic online classes studying the Quran and Arabic. I used to enrolled in one of the classes too, but of course... I dropped out because my lack of commitment hehe. But my parents do take it seriously. Here, they don't play music or turn on the TV, instead they read the Quran. Whenever I start their car, the radio tuned in is either broadcasting kajian Islam or murattal. Every morning feels calm and peaceful.

I remember that the old sarah was very pious. Allah moved her heart to do good deeds and when she cut herself some slack and do what's forbidden, bad things happen to her so she didn't dare. But somewhere along the way, with the little habitual changes and excuses, I strayed away from the right path. And look at me now.. Look at how far I've strayed away from Allah now :"

The old sarah used to keep a very long dua cause she had so many to ask. But I've been using "busy" as an excuse for my lack of ibadah. The old sarah was busy too, you know. But she felt incomplete if she misses the dhuha prayer. I realize that whenever my relationship with Allah weakens, my affairs fall apart, my relationship with other human being around me is also poor. Because you know, if Allah likes you, He will command all the living and non living creatures on earth and in the sky including the malaikat to like you too.

But let me tell you 1 heartfelt fact, Sar

Do you know that He loves you so much? No matter how bandel you are right now, He loves you and He's been calling you to go home? He puts this emptiness and uneasiness in your heart, for what? for you to realize your mistake and come back to Him. So sar, please return to Him. Ramadhan is coming soon insyaa Allah, let's use this as a momentum to be a better muslimah. Make dua for you to be istiqomah

Yesterday I watched a khutbah by NAK about lack of motivation and depression, and it really resonates with me. He teaches a beautiful dua taken from Al Imran 147. I used to memorize this dua but again of course, I forgot about it. But it's nice that I stumble upon it again. Here it goes :

رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا ذُنُوْبَنَا وَاِسْرَافَنَا فِيْٓ اَمْرِنَا وَثَبِّتْ اَقْدَامَنَا وَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكٰفِرِيْنَ

“Our Lord! Forgive our sins and excesses, make our steps firm, and grant us victory over the disbelieving people.

Yaa Allah, forgive my extreme decisions, all my "berlebih-lebihan" actions, my spontaneous urge to do all the bad things you forbid me, be it in the name of having fun or learning. I admit my sin and wrongdoings. Please plant the calmness, the focus, and the firmness in my head and my heart again. Please guide me, please forgive me 

Red Card

They say when your mind is tangled, write it down. So here I am, trying to sort my mind out. 

I'm gonna start with how I'm feeling right now. I feel ashamed, guilty and unworthy. I feel like I don't deserve to be a doctor. Just when I thought I might actually improve, that I finally have some qualities to show, I made a mistake. I can't lie if I say I'm not shaken by this. If there's anything I hate most in this world is a lack of integrity. But Sarah, you've just become one of them

Now stop sobbing and reflect

1. Never leave loose ends

I realized I've been doing it a lot and it's actually my weakness. Why are you doing it, Sar? because you're avoiding things, avoiding uncomfortable conversation, avoiding responsibility, maybe? I think my subconscious mind believes that if something is unclear, if the other side hasn't confirmed anything then I shouldn't be too aggressive, let it stay unclear.

No, that's actually a recipe for disaster and a ticking bomb for yourself

If there's anything unclear, sort it out. The sooner you hear the bitter news, the better. Don't avoid conflict

When did you start becoming such a people-pleaser? If you think you already have so much on your plate, then communicate. Somewhere along the way, you confused being professional with being annoying. Getting things clear and asking for clarity (even if it means more work for the other side or for yourself) does not make you a terrible PPDS. 

2. Your Working Memory is Limited

I have to admit, i think my history of depression (when covid hit and I was coping with infertility) has affected my cognitive function more than I realized. My memory capacity has declined badly. Don't get me wrong, this isn't me making excuses. 

I was the valedictorian at every level of my education (elementary school, junior high, high school, even premed). I'm not flexing, but I'm stating facts. If someone think you're stupid or lazy they're wrong, they just don't know you.

They say the first step to growth and making amends is admitting your flaws. So I admit it, I may not as sharp as I used to be, but that just means I need some extra tools to help myself remember things and avoid skipping them. Know your weakness and anticipate it, Sar.

3. Nothing is Permanent

Yes, you messed up. It's also okay to feel embarrassed. Anyone would feel ashamed after making this kind of mistake, especially when the mistake is also exposed in the whatsapp group where friends, junior, and senior can see. Some of them might look down on you, some might pity you. But that's okay, own it. That doesn't mean you'll stay incompetent forever. More often than not, mistakes like this stays with you, not as something to be ashamed of but as something that makes you better. PPDS is humbling. No matter how smart you are, at some point you will make mistake. That just makes you human. 

And even though the journey in EPL hasn't been smooth, that doesn't mean it's the end of EPL for you. That doesn't mean you can't learn to love this subject again. To be honest, my interest in EPL has just started to bloom. I might even consider taking deeper course on how to read EEG waves. I truly believe I can grow to love anything, IF I meet the right teacher or person to open my eyes. If, in the end you're given a punishment (which I hope is to shed some lights about this topic), then this might be the chance for you to be the reason someone falls in love with EPL. You might be the person who changes the image of EPL from something frightening (like how I was brainwashed to see it) into something exciting.

4. You Choose Your Direction

What happened has already happened. But it's now on your hand whether you want to stay low forever, drowning in guilt and shame, spiraling downward. Or you can swallow that pride, keep moving. 

Let yourself be vulnerable. You don't have to be a model that people look up to, instead don't give a fuck with how people see you. You can fvck up and fvck up again but still have the guts to show up. That's strength. 

I know you can do this. If you were a loser, you WOULDN'T be good at wall climbing, Sar, because it's hard and difficult. You wouldn't be good at something hard. If you were someone who gave up easily, you wouldn't have climbed tough routes and won climbing competitions (not one, but many). You are relentless, you just haven't been treating yourself with the same forgiveness you give others. You label yourself too early with harsh names. and you need to stop doing that. 

Again, you might have made a bad decision, but you are NOT a bad person

Someday, you'll look back on this day and realize this is exactly how it's supposed to happen

It was necessary for your growth

Hold your head high

Keep moving forward

Super Power

I don't want to say that it's your super power because you're so far away from being super. But if I have to choose a trait that I like from you the most, I think it's persisting.

You have been put in situations where you started out as the underdog in the room, especially where it still feels foreign to you. People stared at you as you failed miserably, watching you being humiliated publicly. You wonder what they secretly think of you. Do they pity you? Do they enjoy the entertainment that happens before their eyes? You're wondering if the story of your foolish mistakes and failures become a dinner-table story for others to laugh at

But instead of listening to every possible scenarios that run in your head, you took the uncomfortable way to embrace the suck. You walk the path that most people on earth don't do; to sacrifice your ego and willing to look stupid for the sake of growing in the long term

If there's one thing I like about you is that you are not afraid of looking foolish because you know nothing is permanent. You didn't hide from your fear, you didn't hide your embarrassment. Instead of running away to protect your ego, you show up. You are moving with fear

It's not easy to show up after a very terrible failure. You might not always try your best and it might contribute to your temporary failure but you forgive yourself. You believe that you are capable of doing difficult stuff, you're just not there yet. You believe that you are able to grow, it's just that you have other thing on your top priorities that you don't want to sacrifice and that's perfectly okay

Over the time you learn to be kind and not be too obsessed about achievement that makes you lack empathy. I don't say it's a bad thing, I don't mean to offend anyone. But you've set your mind that you're building a new label on yourself, you want people to know you as an easy going person who likes to make other people comfortable, not someone who likes to nag, snap or over-criticize, not someone people "fear" because some people are obsessed with being feared. They mistake it with respect, and you realize it and you avoid it. That's a very good self-awareness and emotional strength. That's also something I like about you, by the way

Over your life journey, you also learn to set your new vision. Maybe being competitive was something your old self enjoy and glorify. But as you walk through life, your journey has shaped you. You've decided that you don't want to lose yourself while chasing academic achievements. And it's perfectly okay to change direction. It's okay to not be the brightest one in the room, but you can always be the most improved

For the things that happened today, what's happened already happened, that's taqdir. I know you're hurt, but you have 1 thing I also like the most, forgiving. Forgive people who hurt you, they carry their own trauma and insecurities. That's their problem. Meanwhile, you are a different breed. You are relentless but still kind and "easy" to befriend with. As for people who hurt you, be graceful and forgive them with grace. Not because you are weak, but because you deserve inner peace and you are emotionally mature. Bounce back now because I know you can outperform former self. Make as many mistakes as you need to grow, you learn a lot from them

You have all the things needed to grow

Alhamdulillah

Focus on the process

It will pass

Inadequate

Lately my heart feels a little heavy from letting so many people down. Though I'm not sure if those people care about me. Maybe my mind is playing trick. Maybe I'm too narcissistic, thinking that those people care, when they're actually just think of me as their KPI. 

But here I am, mourning yet another mistake that I made. I overlooked the details because I was too focus on fixing my pride. Maybe I care too much of what other people say, am I? I used to care about the little things, but why did I not this time? How did I let this thing happened under my watch? This is a shameful, shameful mistake. Could I even forgive myself?

I think I'm losing myself day by day. Have I lost my edge? Cause I don't feel like the person I used to know, the girl who was very sharp and confident. Where is she now? Where did I go wrong? Somewhere along this journey, she is lost. Maybe somewhere along the journey I mistook softness with weakness. I think he's right, when I soften, I become weak. 

They say the first step to healing is acknowledging. It's hard to say it out loud, but Lupine hear me out

I admit my defeat

For now, and I hope not for long. I admit that I let my guard down. This identity crisis needs fixing and fixing needs time. But maybe this is just what I needed so I won't spiral down this bad habit further. 

I'm sorry, I wish I was much better, but I'm not

I won't quit, I'm too stubborn for it

I just need you to bear with me a while longer, if you really care