Yellow

Right now I just can't help but thinking, if 3 months ago, I took your complaints seriously, would you still be here right now?

I know I shouldn't have played with IFs, I just can't help it

Nobody told me how to deal with dying family members as a doctor

Nobody told me how to process the feeling as the first person to see the scan showing metastasis

Nobody told me how to break the bad news to your own family, knowing that it would break them as much as it breaks you

Nobody told me how to be the first to notice the signs of multiple organ failure

or the first to know that the ERCP was failed

or the one to know the ICU won't give their bed because of the prognosis

Now you're lying on your deathbed, all I can say is I'm sorry

I'm sorry I can't bring you home like you wanted before you lost consciousness

I'm sorry I can't bring you comfort 

or give you air when you suffocated

I remember when I told you to keep going and you said you' can't wait to heal

You said you wanted to stay to see my children

And come to Batam to visit my place cause you've never been there

Back then you didn't even know what you're dealing with

Everything happened too fast

I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye the last time you were still conscious, cause I didn't want to wake you up from your sleep

I regret that, a lot

There are a lot of things that I'm sorry for

I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough

I'm sorry I was too late

And I'm sorry that, 

no matter how many strings I pulled

I could not beat death

You're like the twin of my mom

Losing you is like losing my own

You know I love you so much

See you on the other side, tante

The Cancelled Plan

130 km Away from Home

I woke up at 3, as I had every day for the past ten days. I stared out of the window and took in the view around me. This housing complex held a distinctive charm. It felt calm and serene, the contours of the hills and the villa-style houses had left a deep impression on us, which makes this place an annual visit for us for the last 3 years. Yet that night, a sudden wave of anxiety overtook me as I read a message, one filled with uncertainty but deep down I knew it's coming... disappointment. So, to ease the weight in my chest, I raised my hands and prayed. Rabbi, if I'm meant to make this trip, make it easy for me, cover me.

The Day of Eid

This year's Eid was nothing sort of what I expected it to be. Eid should have been filled with joy and happiness, but I felt anxious. That morning, the bad news I was expecting finally came true. I was waiting, anxiously, when to break the bad news to him and how. I looked at his face, he was so excited and ready for Eid, which made me feel even worse. I whispered, Rabbi, you're the One who puts this feeling in my chest and you're the Best Disposer of all affairs. I'm in desperate need of your help. 

And help did come my way. That day, I was spared as someone covered me. Everything went on track again and we continued the journey. But the little voice in my heart was still unsettled. We still made the trip and continued the rest of 400kms because once again, help did come my way, you were scheduled on duty. For him, it was the trip he's been looking for and he was sort of disbelieve I could actually come along. I could not believe it either because it felt too good to be true. But because it felt too good to be true, I was on guard all the time. It's like I was ready for bad things to happen.

I drove a few hundred kms and then we switched when we arrived at town. That's when I was flooded with your message which I never expected to hear from you. You, despite knowing I was 400kms away from town, disregarded our own friend's ability and demanded my immediate presence. You, despite me telling you and begging for your understanding, still shot me down with your tone-deaf message.

So that night I broke the news to him. I won't share the detail here for it was too painful and traumatic. I couldn't forget his disappointed face, how he must have thought I don't prioritize him. But more than that, I was shattered because I was a coward, I wasn't brave enough to stand up for myself, for him, for his family because I succumbed to the flawed system. 

And that night, with a heavy heart, we planned our early return and cancel our plan. We drove back.

The stay that was supposed to last 3 nights turned to just 1/2 night. I cried as I packed my suitcase filled with the dresses I planned to wear twinning with him. The board games we planned to play at night with his siblings during our stay. All these stuff that I didn't even manage to take out of the suitcase, but I already took it back with me to Jakarta. 

I couldn't help but thinking. Is this how it works? 

When I have already planned ahead and I have made sure I don't break any rules. But the flawed system demanded me to come back for something that could actually be done by someone else present at that moment. Even if it cannot be represented by someone else out of our division, why did you disregard our friend who was was willing to cover me (out of his kind heart) while I was gone? Yet, once again your tone-deaf message demanded me to come back because you're afraid

I write this blog as a tribute for my husband who's been patient enough to endure this system. This is me standing up for him. So if you by any chance read this blog, I have some messages for you

1. Fear Allah and start doing the 5 times prayer. I don't care whether you believe in Allah or not, but I've warned you so you won't have the rights to sue me in the akhirah for not warning you

2. Treat people how you want to be treated. What goes around, comes around. I'm gonna say it loud and clear: You hurt me. You hurt me so bad that I hope it never happen to other people, including you. The feeling of letting your loved one down and seeing their disappointed face.... I hope your loved ones would never have to go through the trauma like my husband did because it's not fair for them. You could have let our friend cover me and I shouldn't have to leave my family on Eid just because you're afraid of someone above you. 

3. I don't demand sorry because it's already happened. I know Allah is the Best Planner and He must have something for me, be it to test me or to protect me from any harm. But still I'm writing this blog clear and loud because this is a dzalim action and I have the responsibility to speak. 

If tomorrow and the day after you find me talking to you as usual, remember that it's not because I'm weak, but because I want Allah to forgive me brutally in akhirah the way I have brutally forgiven you. 

Chasing Dopamine

This might sound lame or dramatic, but I'm starting a revolution for better focus and higher motivation. I'm honestly just tired of how things have been. I'm not chasing the shiny big things, I just want to feel proud of myself for keeping it together. I want the adult version of me to actually "adulting", to set priorities and stick to them.

So this afternoon I went to Gramedia just to sat and read books at their reading corner. I picked a novel about resilience as a starter. Guess what? I managed to focus for 2 straight hours and read 100+ pages. This is a big win for me. Some of you might think "it's just a novel, it's piece of cake". Maybe it is. If it were any other day than Ramadhan and I didn't travel with my hubby, I would have continued reading and finished the whole book. Still, it's a solid stepping stone for me, at least to spark the joy of reading and replace the quick dopamine hits I've been relying on.

I'm also writing on this blog just to keep track of my progress. Whatever's on my mind, I have to put it on this blog, be it my emotions, thoughts, ideas, even random rants. I'm trying to win my focus back

Oh and earlier today, I went to the polyclinic to screen for EEGs for my exam. I went through more than 10 records, but none was "abnormal" enough to make a good discussion, yet not complicated enough for the examiner to ask questions I can't answer 

YaAllah, help me. I am trying, I really am.

May all of this effort counts as good deeds. Aamiin.

Nothingness

If you're looking for a post that will inspire you, this might not be it

But I promise, this is also not a rant or a complaint either

Lately I've been feeling unmotivated

Quick catch up: I'm in the middle of neuropsychiatry rotation which is honestly another word for mental-health-check rotation a.k.a holiday, we name our whatsapp group so.

Some of my colleagues say I should enjoy this moment to the fullest, just live in the present, go outside of town, refresh my mind. Others would say I should finish my "homework" because this is the only moment I get to have so much time

But I found myself caught in the middle of both. The "surprising" nature of residency makes it hard for me to plan ahead, whether to plan a holiday trip or anything else. There are just too many unexpected factors (my rotation-mate, my shift schedule, etc). So apparently this weekend (this very LONG weekend) where I could have gone out of town or maybe abroad, have to be spent in town WITHOUT my husband cause he already bought a train ticket to Solo last month and it already sold out by the time I decided I could join. But I'm glad and grateful I still got to go to WAHOO last week with my friends. It was an amazing trip, JUJURR

So I just stay at my parents' house this long weekend and turns out, it's just what i needed. 

Neuropsychiatry modules have been going on for 2 weeks, I should have used it to finish my presentation and study for the upcoming exam, but I crippled. I have been having this HUGE mental block lately.

Long story short, I don't know what I want to do anymore. My goals don't seem as interesting as it was. Even climbing and tennis don't seem as exciting. I feel nothing, I'm stuck. 

I want something

I want the old sarah who's full of ideas and always motivated, the old sarah who always gives 100%. Not necessarily have to achieve the big things, no. 

I just want the old sarah who knows what she wants, creates plans to achieve it and demonstrates grit and discipline in executing it. As I stay in my house, the very house which I grew up in for the first 25 years of my life, I'm kind of reminded of what the old sarah used to do.

1. More Reading, Less Screen Time

The old sarah (in her school era) who stayed focus and motivated, spent most of her time drowning in books. At first she just wanted a peaceful environment in the library cause the class felt too loud. Then, a book with cute cover caught her attention. It was a novel. She read the first chapter, not expecting it to be intriguing. Then she finished it. She started looking for another one, then suddenly renting another 3, 4 books per week. It started from novels, then came religious books, self help books, and non-fictions. And that's where her focus and imagination blooms. 

I don't know when this reading habit started to fade, but with the growing technology, somewhere along the way I turned myself to movies and social media to unwind from the routine. I can't blame the inventor of these, cause in the end, user discretion is advised. It's up to me whether I want to use it for a greater good/purpose or just to kill time and satisfy my dopamine addiction

I must admit that I have a very poor self-control and everytime I open instagram, I keep wanting for more attention and interaction from my followers. It's grueling and cruel. I'm not covering this fact cause I'm trying to stay raw and authentic as possible in all my writings (it's my purpose). I'm sure some of my readers feel the same way too. 

I believe that we, human, is a collection of what we choose to do. So earlier last week, I chose to deactivate my instagram account and decided that whenever I feel like expressing myself, I should write on this blog instead (the old sarah liked to write too, just look at those silly writings from before 2012)

2. Pray Harder

When I'm at my parents' house, I feel a dramatic change of vibes. Here, I feel like I'm drawn closer to Allah. My parents, in their late 60s, are enrolled in islamic online classes studying the Quran and Arabic. I used to be enrolled in one of the classes too, but of course... I dropped out because my lack of commitment hehe. But my parents do take it seriously. Here, they don't play music or turn on the TV, instead they read the Quran. Whenever I start their car, the radio tuned in is either broadcasting kajian Islam or murattal. Every morning feels calm and peaceful.

I remember that the old sarah was very pious. Allah moved her heart to do good deeds and when she cut herself some slack and do what's forbidden, bad things happen to her so she didn't dare. But somewhere along the way, with the little habitual changes and excuses, I strayed away from the right path. And look at me now.. Look at how far I've strayed away from Allah now :"

The old sarah used to keep a very long dua cause she had so many to ask. But I've been using "busy" as an excuse for my lack of ibadah. The old sarah was busy too, you know. But she felt incomplete if she misses the dhuha prayer. I realize that whenever my relationship with Allah weakens, my affairs fall apart, my relationship with other human being around me is also poor. Because you know, if Allah likes you, He will command all the living and non living creatures on earth and in the sky including the malaikat to like you too.

But let me tell you 1 heartfelt fact, Sar

Do you know that He loves you so much? No matter how bandel you are right now, He loves you and He's been calling you to go home? He puts this emptiness and uneasiness in your heart, for what? for you to realize your mistake and come back to Him. So sar, please return to Him. Ramadhan is coming soon insyaa Allah, let's use this as a momentum to be a better muslimah. Make dua for you to be istiqomah

Yesterday I watched a khutbah by NAK about lack of motivation and depression, and it really resonates with me. He teaches a beautiful dua taken from Al Imran 147. I used to memorize this dua but again of course, I forgot about it. But it's nice that I stumble upon it again. Here it goes :

رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا ذُنُوْبَنَا وَاِسْرَافَنَا فِيْٓ اَمْرِنَا وَثَبِّتْ اَقْدَامَنَا وَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكٰفِرِيْنَ

“Our Lord! Forgive our sins and excesses, make our steps firm, and grant us victory over the disbelieving people.

Yaa Allah, forgive my extreme decisions, all my "berlebih-lebihan" actions, my spontaneous urge to do all the bad things you forbid me, be it in the name of having fun or learning. I admit my sin and wrongdoings. Please plant the calmness, the focus, and the firmness in my head and my heart again. Please guide me, please forgive me