It's Getting Closer

Hey readers, my anxiety is through the roof right now. I'm chasing so many deadlines and the tournament is approaching. I am so.. scared and anxious.. what if I fail? what if I can't show my best? what if it all in vain?

Dear Allah, I leave it all to You. If I'm meant for it, it will come to me. Please, grant me peace and contentment in accepting Your taqdir. Aamin

Bismillah, I'm just doing my best. This is me trying, dear Allah.

I'm whispering to you and begging you. Please help me

The Outcast

I don't claim myself the noblest or the kindest. But if you're my friend, you have probably seen me defending someone you look down on even after you mention all of their mistakes. And you might feel annoyed because I don't side with you

It's not that I don't side with you
It's just that I know how it feels to be misunderstood
I know how it hurts to be the outcast, to not be chosen

It hurts to see someone gets along well with everyone else, but you
Sometimes you just happen to be at the wrong place and wrong time
So whenever you talk ill about someone, I will be the one defending them
Speak in their name to make you pause and think
Is it their true self or just one bad decision?

but as a friend of mine says
we can't be everyone's cup of tea and we don't have to know why
people who don't try to understand you, don't deserve you

But, no worries, dear. I will keep approaching the outcast
Because I believe that everyone has a wonderful side that has not yet discovered yet
and I will keep doing my thing
I will keep speaking for them when they're quiet
I will keep making sure 
that they feel seen and heard

Just so you know
The side of me that's very sensitive
is the same side who spotted your sadness when nobody did
who shared food with you and checked on you
and spread good words about you

But if you can relate to this post
I see you, I feel you
You've got this. Keep being you

Self Control

Hey you

It's never too late to chase anything you want

You want focus? go get it

You want gold?  go snatch it

You want peace? go make it

Whoever told you that you have to choose between residency, hobby, and family... certainly don't have a hobby/family they care deeply that they can't live without. Why do you have to choose 1, when you can have them all? Let them think you're greedy or distracted. Let them. You're stretching your limit. Whether you fail it or nail it, you got to be the one who experience it first hand. Your life won't wait until you finish residency

And if you ever feel ashamed for not having a prestigious ambition like other people, just remember that you are allowed to pursue something because you love it and it doesn't make you less of a resident

Dear Allah, if there's a slight arrogance in my tone, please forgive me. But I really want it, I want it so bad my heart pounds every time I think of it. But I know, sometimes when I want something so badly, I came to be the one who ruin it. Please don't let myself ruin it. Please please please.. Help me 

Yellow

Right now I just can't help but thinking, if 3 months ago, I took your complaints seriously, would you still be here right now?

I know I shouldn't have played with IFs, I just can't help it

Nobody told me how to deal with dying family members as a doctor

Nobody told me how to process the feeling as the first person to see the scan showing metastasis

Nobody told me how to break the bad news to your own family, knowing that it would break them as much as it breaks you

Nobody told me how to be the first to notice the signs of multiple organ failure

or the first to know that the ERCP was failed

or the one to know the ICU won't give their bed because of the prognosis

Now you're lying on your deathbed, all I can say is I'm sorry

I'm sorry I can't bring you home like you wanted before you lost consciousness

I'm sorry I can't bring you comfort 

or give you air when you suffocated

I remember when I told you to keep going and you said you' can't wait to heal

You said you wanted to stay to see my children

And come to Batam to visit my place cause you've never been there

Back then you didn't even know what you're dealing with

Everything happened too fast

I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye the last time you were still conscious, cause I didn't want to wake you up from your sleep

I regret that, a lot

There are a lot of things that I'm sorry for

I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough

I'm sorry I was too late

And I'm sorry that, 

no matter how many strings I pulled

I could not beat death

You're like the twin of my mom

Losing you is like losing my own

You know I love you so much

See you on the other side, tante