I know I shouldn't have played with IFs, I just can't help it
Nobody told me how to deal with dying family members as a doctor
Nobody told me how to process the feeling as the first person to see the scan showing metastasis
Nobody told me how to break the bad news to your own family, knowing that it would break them as much as it breaks you
Nobody told me how to be the first to notice the signs of multiple organ failure
or the first to know that the ERCP was failed
or the one to know the ICU won't give their bed because of the prognosis
Now you're lying on your deathbed, all I can say is I'm sorry
I'm sorry I can't bring you home like you wanted before you lost consciousness
I'm sorry I can't bring you comfort
or give you air when you suffocated
I remember when I told you to keep going and you said you' can't wait to heal
You said you wanted to stay to see my children
And come to Batam to visit my place cause you've never been there
Back then you didn't even know what you're dealing with
Everything happened too fast
I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye the last time you were still conscious, cause I didn't want to wake you up from your sleep
I regret that, a lot
There are a lot of things that I'm sorry for
I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough
I'm sorry I was too late
And I'm sorry that,
no matter how many strings I pulled
I could not beat death
You're like the twin of my mom
Losing you is like losing my own
You know I love you so much
See you on the other side, tante
