Yellow

Right now I just can't help but thinking, if 3 months ago, I took your complaints seriously, would you still be here right now?

I know I shouldn't have played with IFs, I just can't help it

Nobody told me how to deal with dying family members as a doctor

Nobody told me how to process the feeling as the first person to see the scan showing metastasis

Nobody told me how to break the bad news to your own family, knowing that it would break them as much as it breaks you

Nobody told me how to be the first to notice the signs of multiple organ failure

or the first to know that the ERCP was failed

or the one to know the ICU won't give their bed because of the prognosis

Now you're lying on your deathbed, all I can say is I'm sorry

I'm sorry I can't bring you home like you wanted before you lost consciousness

I'm sorry I can't bring you comfort 

or give you air when you suffocated

I remember when I told you to keep going and you said you' can't wait to heal

You said you wanted to stay to see my children

And come to Batam to visit my place cause you've never been there

Back then you didn't even know what you're dealing with

Everything happened too fast

I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye the last time you were still conscious, cause I didn't want to wake you up from your sleep

I regret that, a lot

There are a lot of things that I'm sorry for

I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough

I'm sorry I was too late

And I'm sorry that, 

no matter how many strings I pulled

I could not beat death

You're like the twin of my mom

Losing you is like losing my own

You know I love you so much

See you on the other side, tante

The Cancelled Plan

130 km Away from Home

I woke up at 3, as I had every day for the past ten days. I stared out of the window and took in the view around me. This housing complex held a distinctive charm. It felt calm and serene, the contours of the hills and the villa-style houses had left a deep impression on us, which makes this place an annual visit for us for the last 3 years. Yet that night, a sudden wave of anxiety overtook me as I read a message, one filled with uncertainty but deep down I knew it's coming... disappointment. So, to ease the weight in my chest, I raised my hands and prayed. Rabbi, if I'm meant to make this trip, make it easy for me, cover me.

The Day of Eid

This year's Eid was nothing sort of what I expected it to be. Eid should have been filled with joy and happiness, but I felt anxious. That morning, the bad news I was expecting finally came true. I was waiting, anxiously, when to break the bad news to him and how. I looked at his face, he was so excited and ready for Eid, which made me feel even worse. I whispered, Rabbi, you're the One who puts this feeling in my chest and you're the Best Disposer of all affairs. I'm in desperate need of your help. 

And help did come my way. That day, I was spared as someone covered me. Everything went on track again and we continued the journey. But the little voice in my heart was still unsettled. We still made the trip and continued the rest of 400kms because once again, help did come my way, you were scheduled on duty. For him, it was the trip he's been looking for and he was sort of disbelieve I could actually come along. I could not believe it either because it felt too good to be true. But because it felt too good to be true, I was on guard all the time. It's like I was ready for bad things to happen.

I drove a few hundred kms and then we switched when we arrived at town. That's when I was flooded with your message which I never expected to hear from you. You, despite knowing I was 400kms away from town, disregarded our own friend's ability and demanded my immediate presence. You, despite me telling you and begging for your understanding, still shot me down with your tone-deaf message.

So that night I broke the news to him. I won't share the detail here for it was too painful and traumatic. I couldn't forget his disappointed face, how he must have thought I don't prioritize him. But more than that, I was shattered because I was a coward, I wasn't brave enough to stand up for myself, for him, for his family because I succumbed to the flawed system. 

And that night, with a heavy heart, we planned our early return and cancel our plan. We drove back.

The stay that was supposed to last 3 nights turned to just 1/2 night. I cried as I packed my suitcase filled with the dresses I planned to wear twinning with him. The board games we planned to play at night with his siblings during our stay. All these stuff that I didn't even manage to take out of the suitcase, but I already took it back with me to Jakarta. 

I couldn't help but thinking. Is this how it works? 

When I have already planned ahead and I have made sure I don't break any rules. But the flawed system demanded me to come back for something that could actually be done by someone else present at that moment. Even if it cannot be represented by someone else out of our division, why did you disregard our friend who was was willing to cover me (out of his kind heart) while I was gone? Yet, once again your tone-deaf message demanded me to come back because you're afraid

I write this blog as a tribute for my husband who's been patient enough to endure this system. This is me standing up for him. So if you by any chance read this blog, I have some messages for you

1. Fear Allah and start doing the 5 times prayer. I don't care whether you believe in Allah or not, but I've warned you so you won't have the rights to sue me in the akhirah for not warning you

2. Treat people how you want to be treated. What goes around, comes around. I'm gonna say it loud and clear: You hurt me. You hurt me so bad that I hope it never happen to other people, including you. The feeling of letting your loved one down and seeing their disappointed face.... I hope your loved ones would never have to go through the trauma like my husband did because it's not fair for them. You could have let our friend cover me and I shouldn't have to leave my family on Eid just because you're afraid of someone above you. 

3. I don't demand sorry because it's already happened. I know Allah is the Best Planner and He must have something for me, be it to test me or to protect me from any harm. But still I'm writing this blog clear and loud because this is a dzalim action and I have the responsibility to speak. 

If tomorrow and the day after you find me talking to you as usual, remember that it's not because I'm weak, but because I want Allah to forgive me brutally in akhirah the way I have brutally forgiven you. 

Chasing Dopamine

This might sound lame or dramatic, but I'm starting a revolution for better focus and higher motivation. I'm honestly just tired of how things have been. I'm not chasing the shiny big things, I just want to feel proud of myself for keeping it together. I want the adult version of me to actually "adulting", to set priorities and stick to them.

So this afternoon I went to Gramedia just to sat and read books at their reading corner. I picked a novel about resilience as a starter. Guess what? I managed to focus for 2 straight hours and read 100+ pages. This is a big win for me. Some of you might think "it's just a novel, it's piece of cake". Maybe it is. If it were any other day than Ramadhan and I didn't travel with my hubby, I would have continued reading and finished the whole book. Still, it's a solid stepping stone for me, at least to spark the joy of reading and replace the quick dopamine hits I've been relying on.

I'm also writing on this blog just to keep track of my progress. Whatever's on my mind, I have to put it on this blog, be it my emotions, thoughts, ideas, even random rants. I'm trying to win my focus back

Oh and earlier today, I went to the polyclinic to screen for EEGs for my exam. I went through more than 10 records, but none was "abnormal" enough to make a good discussion, yet not complicated enough for the examiner to ask questions I can't answer 

YaAllah, help me. I am trying, I really am.

May all of this effort counts as good deeds. Aamiin.

Nothingness

If you're looking for a post that will inspire you, this might not be it

But I promise, this is also not a rant or a complaint either

Lately I've been feeling unmotivated

Quick catch up: I'm in the middle of neuropsychiatry rotation which is honestly another word for mental-health-check rotation a.k.a holiday, we name our whatsapp group so.

Some of my colleagues say I should enjoy this moment to the fullest, just live in the present, go outside of town, refresh my mind. Others would say I should finish my "homework" because this is the only moment I get to have so much time

But I found myself caught in the middle of both. The "surprising" nature of residency makes it hard for me to plan ahead, whether to plan a holiday trip or anything else. There are just too many unexpected factors (my rotation-mate, my shift schedule, etc). So apparently this weekend (this very LONG weekend) where I could have gone out of town or maybe abroad, have to be spent in town WITHOUT my husband cause he already bought a train ticket to Solo last month and it already sold out by the time I decided I could join. But I'm glad and grateful I still got to go to WAHOO last week with my friends. It was an amazing trip, JUJURR

So I just stay at my parents' house this long weekend and turns out, it's just what i needed. 

Neuropsychiatry modules have been going on for 2 weeks, I should have used it to finish my presentation and study for the upcoming exam, but I crippled. I have been having this HUGE mental block lately.

Long story short, I don't know what I want to do anymore. My goals don't seem as interesting as it was. Even climbing and tennis don't seem as exciting. I feel nothing, I'm stuck. 

I want something

I want the old sarah who's full of ideas and always motivated, the old sarah who always gives 100%. Not necessarily have to achieve the big things, no. 

I just want the old sarah who knows what she wants, creates plans to achieve it and demonstrates grit and discipline in executing it. As I stay in my house, the very house which I grew up in for the first 25 years of my life, I'm kind of reminded of what the old sarah used to do.

1. More Reading, Less Screen Time

The old sarah (in her school era) who stayed focus and motivated, spent most of her time drowning in books. At first she just wanted a peaceful environment in the library cause the class felt too loud. Then, a book with cute cover caught her attention. It was a novel. She read the first chapter, not expecting it to be intriguing. Then she finished it. She started looking for another one, then suddenly renting another 3, 4 books per week. It started from novels, then came religious books, self help books, and non-fictions. And that's where her focus and imagination blooms. 

I don't know when this reading habit started to fade, but with the growing technology, somewhere along the way I turned myself to movies and social media to unwind from the routine. I can't blame the inventor of these, cause in the end, user discretion is advised. It's up to me whether I want to use it for a greater good/purpose or just to kill time and satisfy my dopamine addiction

I must admit that I have a very poor self-control and everytime I open instagram, I keep wanting for more attention and interaction from my followers. It's grueling and cruel. I'm not covering this fact cause I'm trying to stay raw and authentic as possible in all my writings (it's my purpose). I'm sure some of my readers feel the same way too. 

I believe that we, human, is a collection of what we choose to do. So earlier last week, I chose to deactivate my instagram account and decided that whenever I feel like expressing myself, I should write on this blog instead (the old sarah liked to write too, just look at those silly writings from before 2012)

2. Pray Harder

When I'm at my parents' house, I feel a dramatic change of vibes. Here, I feel like I'm drawn closer to Allah. My parents, in their late 60s, are enrolled in islamic online classes studying the Quran and Arabic. I used to be enrolled in one of the classes too, but of course... I dropped out because my lack of commitment hehe. But my parents do take it seriously. Here, they don't play music or turn on the TV, instead they read the Quran. Whenever I start their car, the radio tuned in is either broadcasting kajian Islam or murattal. Every morning feels calm and peaceful.

I remember that the old sarah was very pious. Allah moved her heart to do good deeds and when she cut herself some slack and do what's forbidden, bad things happen to her so she didn't dare. But somewhere along the way, with the little habitual changes and excuses, I strayed away from the right path. And look at me now.. Look at how far I've strayed away from Allah now :"

The old sarah used to keep a very long dua cause she had so many to ask. But I've been using "busy" as an excuse for my lack of ibadah. The old sarah was busy too, you know. But she felt incomplete if she misses the dhuha prayer. I realize that whenever my relationship with Allah weakens, my affairs fall apart, my relationship with other human being around me is also poor. Because you know, if Allah likes you, He will command all the living and non living creatures on earth and in the sky including the malaikat to like you too.

But let me tell you 1 heartfelt fact, Sar

Do you know that He loves you so much? No matter how bandel you are right now, He loves you and He's been calling you to go home? He puts this emptiness and uneasiness in your heart, for what? for you to realize your mistake and come back to Him. So sar, please return to Him. Ramadhan is coming soon insyaa Allah, let's use this as a momentum to be a better muslimah. Make dua for you to be istiqomah

Yesterday I watched a khutbah by NAK about lack of motivation and depression, and it really resonates with me. He teaches a beautiful dua taken from Al Imran 147. I used to memorize this dua but again of course, I forgot about it. But it's nice that I stumble upon it again. Here it goes :

رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا ذُنُوْبَنَا وَاِسْرَافَنَا فِيْٓ اَمْرِنَا وَثَبِّتْ اَقْدَامَنَا وَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكٰفِرِيْنَ

“Our Lord! Forgive our sins and excesses, make our steps firm, and grant us victory over the disbelieving people.

Yaa Allah, forgive my extreme decisions, all my "berlebih-lebihan" actions, my spontaneous urge to do all the bad things you forbid me, be it in the name of having fun or learning. I admit my sin and wrongdoings. Please plant the calmness, the focus, and the firmness in my head and my heart again. Please guide me, please forgive me 

Red Card

They say when your mind is tangled, write it down. So here I am, trying to sort my mind out. 

I'm gonna start with how I'm feeling right now. I feel ashamed, guilty and unworthy. I feel like I don't deserve to be a doctor. Just when I thought I might actually improve, that I finally have some qualities to show, I made a mistake. I'm lying if I say I'm not shaken by this. If there's anything I hate most in this world is a lack of integrity. But Sarah, you've just become one of them

Now stop sobbing and reflect

1. Never leave loose ends

I realized I've been doing it a lot and it's actually my weakness. Why are you doing it, Sar? because you're avoiding things, avoiding uncomfortable conversation, avoiding responsibility, maybe? I think my subconscious mind believes that if something is unclear, if the other side hasn't confirmed anything then I shouldn't be too aggressive, let it stay unclear.

No, that's actually a recipe for disaster and a ticking bomb for yourself

If there's anything unclear, sort it out. The sooner you hear the bitter news, the better. Don't avoid conflict

When did you start becoming such a people-pleaser? If you think you already have so much on your plate, then communicate. Somewhere along the way, you confused being professional with being annoying. Getting things clear and asking for clarity (even if it means more work for the other side or for yourself) does not make you a terrible PPDS. 

2. Your Working Memory is Limited

I have to admit, i think my history of depression (when covid hit and I was coping with infertility) has affected my cognitive function more than I realized. My memory capacity has declined badly. Don't get me wrong, this isn't me making excuses. 

I was the valedictorian at every level of my education (elementary school, junior high, high school, even premed). I'm not flexing, but I'm stating facts. If someone think you're stupid or lazy they're wrong, they just don't know you.

They say the first step to growth and making amends is admitting your flaws. So I admit it, I may not as sharp as I used to be, but that just means I need some extra tools to help myself remember things and avoid skipping them. Know your weakness and anticipate it, Sar.

3. Nothing is Permanent

Yes, you messed up. It's also okay to feel embarrassed. Anyone would feel ashamed after making this kind of mistake, especially when the mistake is also exposed in the whatsapp group where friends, junior, and senior can see. Some of them might look down on you, some might pity you. But that's okay, own it. That doesn't mean you'll stay incompetent forever. More often than not, mistakes like this stays with you, not as something to be ashamed of but as something that makes you better. PPDS is humbling. No matter how smart you are, at some point you will make mistake. That just makes you human. 

And even though the journey in EPL hasn't been smooth, that doesn't mean it's the end of EPL for you. That doesn't mean you can't learn to love this subject again. To be honest, my interest in EPL has just started to bloom. I might even consider taking deeper course on how to read brain waves. I truly believe I can grow to love anything, IF I meet the right teacher or person to open my eyes. If, in the end you're given the punishment, then this might be the chance for you to be the reason someone falls in love with EPL. You might be the person who changes the image of EPL from something frightening (like how I was brainwashed to see it) into something exciting.

4. You Choose Your Direction

What happened has already happened. But it's now on your hand whether you want to stay low forever, drowning in guilt and shame, spiraling downward. Or you can swallow that pride, keep moving. 

Let yourself be vulnerable. You don't have to be a model that people look up to, instead don't give a fuck with how people see you. You fvcked up and fvcked up so many times, but you still have the guts to show up. That's strength, sar.

I know you can do this. If you were a loser, you WOULDN'T be good at wall climbing sar, because it's hard and difficult. You wouldn't be good at something hard. If you were someone who gave up easily, you wouldn't have climbed tough routes and won climbing competitions (not one, but many). You are relentless, you just haven't been treating yourself with the same forgiveness you give others. You label yourself too early with harsh names. and you need to stop doing that. 

Again, you might have made a bad decision, but you are NOT a bad person

Someday, you'll look back on this day and realize this is exactly how it's supposed to happen

It was necessary for your growth

Hold your head high

Keep moving forward

Super Power

I don't want to say that it's your super power because you're so far away from being super. But if I have to choose a trait that I like from you the most, I think it's persisting.

You have been put in situations where you started out as the underdog in the room, especially where it still feels foreign to you. People stared at you as you failed miserably, watching you being humiliated publicly. You wonder what they secretly think of you. Do they pity you? Do they enjoy the entertainment that happens before their eyes? You're wondering if the story of your foolish mistakes and failures become a dinner-table story for others to laugh at

But instead of listening to every possible scenarios that run in your head, you took the uncomfortable way to embrace the suck. You walk the path that most people on earth don't do; to sacrifice your ego and willing to look stupid for the sake of growing in the long term

If there's one thing I like about you is that you are not afraid of looking foolish because you know nothing is permanent. You didn't hide from your fear, you didn't hide your embarrassment. Instead of running away to protect your ego, you show up. You are moving with fear

It's not easy to show up after a very terrible failure. You might not always try your best and it might contribute to your temporary failure but you forgive yourself. You believe that you are capable of doing difficult stuff, you're just not there yet. You believe that you are able to grow, it's just that you have other thing on your top priorities that you don't want to sacrifice and that's perfectly okay

Over the time you learn to be kind and not be too obsessed about achievement that makes you lack empathy. I don't say it's a bad thing, I don't mean to offend anyone. But you've set your mind that you're building a new label on yourself, you want people to know you as an easy going person who likes to make other people comfortable, not someone who likes to nag, snap or over-criticize, not someone people "fear" because some people are obsessed with being feared. They mistake it with respect, and you realize it and you avoid it. That's a very good self-awareness and emotional strength. That's also something I like about you, by the way

Over your life journey, you also learn to set your new vision. Maybe being competitive was something your old self enjoy and glorify. But as you walk through life, your journey has shaped you. You've decided that you don't want to lose yourself while chasing academic achievements. And it's perfectly okay to change direction. It's okay to not be the brightest one in the room, but you can always be the most improved

For the things that happened today, what's happened already happened, that's taqdir. I know you're hurt, but you have 1 thing I also like the most, forgiving. Forgive people who hurt you, they carry their own trauma and insecurities. That's their problem. Meanwhile, you are a different breed. You are relentless but still kind and "easy" to befriend with. As for people who hurt you, be graceful and forgive them with grace. Not because you are weak, but because you deserve inner peace and you are emotionally mature. Bounce back now because I know you can outperform former self. Make as many mistakes as you need to grow, you learn a lot from them

You have all the things needed to grow

Alhamdulillah

Focus on the process

It will pass

Inadequate

Lately my heart feels a little heavy from letting so many people down. Though I'm not sure if those people care about me. Maybe my mind is playing trick. Maybe I'm too narcissistic, thinking that those people care, when they're actually just think of me as their KPI. 

But here I am, mourning yet another mistake that I made. I overlooked the details because I was too focus on fixing my pride. Maybe I care too much of what other people say, am I? I used to care about the little things, but why did I not this time? How did I let this thing happened under my watch? This is a shameful, shameful mistake. Could I even forgive myself?

I think I'm losing myself day by day. Have I lost my edge? Cause I don't feel like the person I used to know, the girl who was very sharp and confident. Where is she now? Where did I go wrong? Somewhere along this journey, she is lost. Maybe somewhere along the journey I mistook softness with weakness. I think he's right, when I soften, I become weak. 

They say the first step to healing is acknowledging. It's hard to say it out loud, but Lupine hear me out

I admit my defeat

For now, and I hope not for long. I admit that I let my guard down. This identity crisis needs fixing and fixing needs time. But maybe this is just what I needed so I won't spiral down this bad habit further. 

I'm sorry, I wish I was much better, but I'm not

I won't quit, I'm too stubborn for it

I just need you to bear with me a while longer, if you really care

Should I worry because I'm not worried anymore?

There was a time where I worried so much about my career, my achievement that I irritated the people I love. I sacrificed a lot and I often put them second or third. I got what I wanted, but I lost a lot. I hated that. I hate to miss family events, milestones of my loved ones. The cheers and happiness when we gathered around but I wasn't able to come. I hated that

Now that I have an opportunity to study further, I tell myself that I'm not gonna sacrifice that much again. I'm not gonna lose anymore milestone for my sole achievement. Being a mediocre is enough. I don't want to lose my life because of my study.

My study is a very long journey, I don't want to exhaust myself from the beginning. I want to finish the journey at my own pace. I started to do different things from what I used to do. I took longer time to finish (I always did) because I always think I'm a slow learner. I couldn't care less. 

But tonight, I came to realize that I misunderstood this concept the whole time. Taking things at your own pace doesn't mean you should finish your task longer. It means I should finish on time with the best that I could do without making so much sacrifice. Time is the limit. 

Maybe I forgot that trying my best is also a form of love.

I used to think that it's easy for people to say "I'd die for you" to their loved ones. But how many of them are willing to "live for their loved ones"?

Maybe, me unwilling to sacrifice some of my time is a similar form of "I'd die for you".  But me willing to finish the task whatever the result is, is a form of "I'd live for you". Me willing to face critics from the supervisor or senior is a form of "I'd live for you".

Just maybe.. this will make me start to worry about my work performance again. Maybe, I will change for the better. I still have that sparks to give my best effort somewhere deep down my mind and heart. Maybe this will fire that sparks again. 

When You Slow Down

It's very easy to be swept away in the endless rush of the world. Often times we're too busy chasing one high to another till we forget why we do those things in the first place.

Sometimes we're too busy chasing the dreams we've always wanted. The dream we believe would make us happier, yet we forget to be happy in the present moment. We're too busy trying to provide for the people we love, thinking it would make them happy, yet we forget what they need the most, our affection. 

Working as a healthcare worker has opened my eyes to the ugly part of life. I see death and grief, I see people part with their loved ones unexpectedly. I saw a woman kissed her husband goodbye, I saw parents hugged their child for the last time, I saw brothers losing their sister. It was devastating. I heard their cries and I felt their grief and I can't help but thinking if I were in their shoes. How am I going to handle the loss of my loved ones? Have I loved them deep enough? Have I given them the affection they deserve?

All meetings end in farewell, no matter how joyful the connection is, everything must come to an end. That idea alone can freak me out and break me down to tears. I love my family so much I can't imagine parting with them. Sometimes I wonder whether it's me leaving them or they leaving me. I hate to imagine the darkness that would hunt me days after they're gone. But I also hate to imagine them suffering and grieving for my passing. And my husband has already gone through so much heartbreaks in this world, I can't bear to let him experience another loss, me.. I love him so much. May Allah protect your heart from heartbreaks, honey. As for my parents and my other family, someday we're gonna part, that's for sure. But I hope I'd leave no regret when that day comes. I love you, I hope you know that.

I only realized this during covid, during my gap years. It's funny how sometimes, slowing down in life makes you able to see things clearly. When you're rushing, everything just passes by in a blur. You won't be able to catch the detail of every tiny wonder that life offers. You won't be appreciative of the little things. But when you slow down, what seems to be insignificant, becomes important. So slowing down doesn't always mean you're not progressing. Normalize taking breaks and giving up something for other important things you find valuable in life. 

It's Me, I'm the Problem

Hey, I'm at the end of my first residency rotation and I'm glued to my laptop, freezing, unable to finish my report. The case I'm going to present is a very interesting one, albeit missing some key examinations which makes me doubt whether this is a good case to discuss or not. Along the days after caring for this patient, I grew to know him and his family personally. I followed him even after his admission in my department ended. To the point where his surgery was due and his post op complication arose. Even until his final moments came and he eventually passed away, I was shattered. It was an elective surgery and we expected the best. 

But why am I freezing now? Is it because I'm afraid that I'm unable deliver the case well and miss the essence of this case? Or is it because I'm afraid to be labelled as inadequate by my supervisor? Why is it so hard for me to analyze and write? why?! ugh. I feel like I'm going no where and keep down-spiraling uncontrollably. I'm so afraid to let people down even when I'm aware that if I keep doing this, I'm gonna let them down even more.

Familiar Comfort

I don't even know where to start. This post has been on my draft since January but I never had the courage to finish it. But since you've already made the call, it's water under the bridge now.

I dedicate this post to my colleagues (you know who you are) and to the beautiful city that forever holds a special place in my heart. I may forget what I did there in detail and what my life was like back there, but trust me, the feeling lasts forever in my heart, it's called comfort. And I'm never afraid to admit to people or whoever read this that yes, my life has been comfortable and it doesn't mean I'm weak. I'm sorry if yours are not. And here's a tribute to people who have made it all possible as a sign of gratitude, respect, and love.

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Flashback - 6mo ago

I remember saying "If I got accepted, I will feel happy but not sure about the responsibility that comes along with it. If I don't get accepted, maybe I will be sad, but I'm glad because that means I can spend more time with you. Then, you replied, "I hope you get accepted. You will handle the responsibility better than the disappointment." It's just one of the many times you encourage me with positive affirmation, that everything will be fine, I am going to be just fine. 

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Flashback - 2yrs ago

I really like to start my story with flashbacks. Two years ago, I thought I would never return to practice again. My career pause which was meant to be a year stretched into 3 years and I felt too far behind to catch up with the skills and competence that my gold fish memory could retain. I was ready to give up my dream of becoming a neurologist. I was kind of frustrated, but I decided to make dua for a whole month during Ramadhan 2022 for Allah to open a door for me, be it getting a degree or start working again. Anything to get me out of the nothingness. Bear in mind, at that time I wasn't sure what I wanted and I didn't prepare myself for anything. I think it was only a fear of missing out cause I felt stuck while my friends were progressing with their career or their family. At the end of Ramadhan, I saw a job vacancy ads on telegram. With little preparation, I signed up and everything started to fall into places just whoosh like that. Another answered prayer.

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Flashback - Day 1 in Batam 

I remember the second time I set foot on Batam, I was nervous and felt a lil heavy for leaving my comfort zone, Singapore, where my life was hassle-free. Yes, I did take online courses and remote job occasionally, but they weren't long-term commitment. That time I was really into climbing and I was at my peak performance... and I left. Silly me. But again, I thought, the joy of climbing only lasted while the adrenaline's there. Once it's flushed away, I'd go home from the gym feeling empty and underachieving. So I took the big leap and left my dearest Singapore. 

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Flashback - Day 1 at work

As I said, 3 years off the clinical practice made me sweat bucket everytime I go to work. "Will I make a correct diagnosis? Will I remember all the dosage for children? Will the specialist accept my consult?" Fortunately, you had the mercy to place me at the ward for a couple of months and assigned me for low-risk cases instead of loaded me with difficult cases that I wasn't capable of just yet. I don't see this as an underestimation, I see this as a gesture of understanding. Another unexpected turn (but in a good way) was that my old school friend happened to work at the same hospital (Yet, another help from Allah. He knew I needed it). I remember having a premature neonate coming out blue and not breathing and I had to resuscitate and intubate the baby. I was trembling and I wasn't sure I could do it, so I called for help. It was my colleague who responded and he was so ready to lend me a hand. I will never forget that.

Slowly, I made friends with my colleagues. We discussed cases together, we helped each other out when the ED was crowding or when the ward needed more help. I will never forget the breakfast we had every Tuesday morning, I always looked forward to it. We began to bond inside and outside the hospital. We went to the beach, the cafe. We hiked for the first time in my life and I will never forget the excitement that made me lose sleep the night before. We vented and complained about the shitty system (but we did it anyway). We shared our dreams and visions.. All these memories I'll never forget. I feel like when I'm in Batam, the intimacy among my friends, the city, and the nature is palpable. Everything feels more romantic. 

---------

My presence might be insignificant to you. I'm just like other people who's come and gone in the past. But to me, this whole experience has left a deep impression in my life. You changed the way I see life and relationships. I never imagined a life so peaceful, yet fulfilling. You brought hope into my heart that I will not spend the rest of my life lonely. What did I do in the past to deserve good souls like you as my friends? This mere post doesn't do me justice as I'm struggling to find the right word for my feelings. But you know deep down I miss you terribly. What makes me scared is not knowing whether in 4-5 years when I come back, it will all be the same that we won't grow apart. But, I will be fine, just like you said. Even if one day we reunite but we grow apart, I'm still grateful for the thing we had in the last 2 years. It was real and I'll always cherish that period of my life.

Finally, after coming back and forth with the reality for almost 5 months, I have come to terms that this chapter of my life has ended no matter how hard I try to preserve it. I can only stall the transition, but it will eventually come to an end. It was hard to leave the life you love the most, but there's no other way but to move forward. Looking back, I find it very hard to leave a peaceful mind and genuine friends. But, as you assured me before I left, "You will find comfort and a new family in your new place, Sarah". I believe in that, so let this post be a reminder that if we do good, we'll be a magnet for good people too. Kindness goes a long way. I felt anxious and lonely when I arrived in Batam too, but in the end it turned out to be so good that I'm attached to it. So maybe I would feel the same way when my study ends too. 

I hope you remember me everytime you see coffee, a climbing wall, or a bronze car. I don't know which one hurts more, me leaving you or me being forgotten by you. Till we meet again, my sweet paradise.

Time Does Not Heal

March 2020

I was signed up to the grief club which no one wanted to be a part of. We were there not by choice, yet we were chosen.

I never imagined my life would turn upside down in a split second. One moment I was doing chores in the kitchen, feeling so excited about the day and then my phone beeped just to shatter my world to pieces. I still remember the feeling, the disbelief when I saw the report.. 

My poor husband didn't know what it meant back then. He didn't understand why I froze up and bit my tongue. But in that moment, my thoughts had already traveled to the next 5-10 years of our lives.. Quiet.

I didn't know if I could smile a genuine smile after that day. I didn't know if I could talk about this reality without breaking up. It was a dark, cold day with no end in sight. What made it harder is that people didn't see the scar. 

Tell me.. how can I lose something I never have?

Dec 2023

I didn't know I'd be where I am today (I mean, in a good way). It doesn't hurt so bad like the first time though it still stings sometimes.

No, actually..

It hurts everytime.. 

It hurts every month

But the difference is, now I can smile. The sun shines the same like it has always been, but I can feel its warmth. I even think my life is more meaningful now as I realized that grief and gratitude can co-exist at the same time. A combination I didn't know is totally fine and make sense. And that grief doesn't require you to have someone or something physically taken away from you. It can be a loss of a dream, a future you always wanted. 

It makes me wonder.. what pulled me out of that hole? Does time really heal the pain like people say? 

If I didn't drag my lazy ass to try climbing, would I overcome the dark days and find out that my body is capable of doing amazing things?

If I didn't force myself to apply for the job despite experiencing the lowest self-esteem I ever had in my life, would I ever be where I am today, having the greatest friends that I needed most?

If I didn't pour my heart out and beg for ONE sign.. just ONE sign that my life is worthy.. would I be where I am today? 

Imagine having a wound and you don't clean it, you don't take a proper care for it. Do you think the wound will heal over time or will it get infected?

Time alone is meaningless. It's what we do during that period of time that matters cause it's always about the effort, not the time.

I'm writing this because the next few days will be a life-changing moment for me. Today might or might not be my last shift in the ER in this hospital. Or.. I might have a new addition to my collection of scars. I'm anxious and afraid to fall into the dark, cold place like I did before. 

So this post is a reminder that emotions are temporary. With a little kindness, gratitude, and self-love, you can always walk with the pain. You can wear the failure like a badge on your chest. So, let the reality come, face it and accept it with open arms. What is meant for you will always come to you anyway. I hope your heart will always be full of hope and kindness.

Your score doesn't define you. Your heart does. 

Embrace The Suck

I'm a kind of person who believes that there's always a silver lining in bad things that happen. But I forgot how miserable it feels to sit with negative emotions until today. I forgot how demoralizing it is to face self-disdain, when I act the way I always hate when other people do it, that is when one becomes an egocentric-know-it-all person.

After letting it sink for quite some time, I admit that I had probably not taken the wisest decision, nor had I handle my ego well last night. I let my ego blur the line between being brave and being reckless, between trying to save people and trying to prove myself, and between not wanting to let people down and wanting people to respect me. I can't believe I'm disgusted by my own actions. 

Right now it seems so tempting to talk to a friend who would listen to my side of the story and defend me. But I realize that an external validation only nourishes victim mentality, another trait that I really dislike. What I actually need right now is to sit with this feeling defenseless, embrace it, own it.. own my mistake and grow. 

The truth it, I wouldn't be this miserable if what he said wasn't true. I don't care if he calls me names. Anyone can call me anything, I don't care. But I care about my mistake that he pointed out and how it might actually be true. And to make things worse, I let my prejudice got in the way by judging instead of listening to my friends. A mistake I swore to never make, be biased. 

It occurs to me that maybe the reason why I feel so proud of myself is because I'm losing my connection with Allah, therefore I feel able and self-reliant. Maybe I forgot that human is flawed and weak and needs God to depend on. So here I am cleaning up this mess, first and foremost, with istighfar.. for letting You down, for depending on me instead of You alone. Thank You for sending me signals to come home to You when I'm starting to lose my way in this world. 

Then of course, I couldn't shake this feeling away by making him a villain. So Mr. Samurai, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for keeping me grounded and pruning my ego. I truly appreciate it, I really do. The wounded me right now may have a hard time seeing it through but I believe the future me will be very grateful it happened this way. And to my friends, I'm sorry if I've been a arsehole. I would be really glad if you'd maybe give me a chance to start over? 

Lastly, to the girl I see in the mirror. As much as you hate to be counted out of the equation, you must count people in. Their view and opinion matters. Their side of the story matters regardless of who they are. I know it seems like the worst timing to feel miserable about yourself when you need to focus on another thing, but trust me, this is actually the perfect timing to re-center your moral compass. Last night was insane and you've done your best. No one could have survived it better than you. 

You might have made a bad decision but you are NOT a bad person <3 

"She was warm, forgiving, and kind"

When I was younger, I had always been a type-A person. I was determined to reach my goal, aspired to be the best whenever possible and took a real hard blow when I failed. I held fast to my principle and spoke up whenever I saw something wrong. I was verbal and sometimes caught up in a debate. Everything was good and went according to plan, I achieved so many things. My dad was proud of me and I was hungry for more achievements. I wanted to be an alpha girl. 

Three years ago my life took a nosedive and everything changed. As "life happened", I realized how misguided I was and my mindset shifted over time. I guess when we lose something so precious in life, the world doesn't matter that much anymore. All I want is to reunite with my loved ones and I need to find a way to get there. 

I realized that being "worldly" successful, as in the definition of success by most of our society, is not the answer I'm searching for. Not only that it benefits just so little, I'm also afraid that I might hurt some people in the process (though unintentionally). So I did a lot of reflections and I came to a point where I thought I couldn't stay the same person I was. I wanted to do something fulfilling, something that would fill the void in my heart and give my life a different meaning. And I could only feel it when I share with other people. 

Interestingly, it doesn't have to be an item that I share, it can be feelings, emotions, and passion. And I could only do this when I open up my heart and my action, something I later discovered as kindness. Kindness will lighten up people's heart and inspire them to pray to Allah for our goodness. Maybe then He'll forgive my sin and let me be with my loved ones. 

In my early days of grief, I almost lost my purpose but there's one question that kept me grounded and helped me stay on track :

"How do I want to be remembered after I die"

Through a lot of contemplation of life, I realized that I don't want people to remember me as an alpha girl who's always right and perfect no matter how heartless she is (this actually hit me like a ton of bricks.. and I'm kind of embarrassed to remember how eager I was to fit into this description at that time). Rather, I want to be remembered as a person whose presence brings smile, warmth, and security in another person. I want to be remembered as someone who's kind and gentle. I can't say I'm there yet, there's still a lot of work to do and I'm struggling. There are also times where being kind is just too taxing (emotionally).. 

In my attempts to be kind, I observe some facts and I want to share it here as a reminder for me too.

1. Being kind to strangers is easy. Being kind to someone we know is a different level.

When I say I want to be a kind person, I don't mean a person who gives out charity to the orphanage or beggars on the street. That also included, but the kindness I emphasize is the kindness to people I'm close with. There's a fact that the closer the people to us, the more challenging it is for us to be kind to them. Why? First, because we expect something in return. We want them to sacrifice as much as we do. When they don't meet our expectation, we get upset and we stop being kind because we think "what's the point?" It's a take-and-give situation. Second, because we know their flaws and for that, we think they don't deserve our kindness.

But it's a whole different story with strangers. We don't expect anything from them. It's a give-and-go situation (more like a hit-and-run hehe). You don't know their reactions whether they reject your act of kindness or acknowledge it, and don't expect them to lend their hands when you need them in the future. Your brain will remember this as a happy moment forever. No expectation broken.

  

2. Begin with the intention and let the intention be YOU 

The only thing that will keep you consistent in being kind is when you do it for yourself and for your inner peace. I don't mean to be kind with hope that people will give something to you. If that's the case, you're being kind for them (to make them happy enough to reward you in return). Although it might sound altruistic, it's not a strong foundation because you can never control other people's reaction. And letting our motivation depend on something so volatile like that is the recipe for inconsistency. What I mean with "let the intention be you" is to be kind because you deserve inner peace. Not because they're kind, but because YOU are kind. You are freeing yourself from expectation that is prone to disappointment.  

For example : you have a colleague whom you find difficult to be kind to because of his/her attitude. If you're kind because of you and for the sake of your inner peace, you will continue to treat him/her with respect NOT because you approve their behavior, NOT because you are weak, NOT because you are scared.. BUT because :

You are STRONG therefore you resist to bite when you have the power to. You act, not react.

You have such a HIGH standard of integrity that even mere people's cruel behavior towards you won't let you stoop down to their level.  

Of course there are some conditions where you have to stand up and fight:

1. If your rights have been violated 

2. If people's lives are physically at stake

3. (this one is my personal opinion) If it's gonna impact your life significantly at least in the next 3 years

Other than those 3, if some people are just messing or hurting my ego, then I am not biting.

3. Being kind is the most selfish thing you can do

One thing I learn from this journey is that being kind is an act of selflove. How can it not? 

I thought I make other people happy by sharing and being kind, but in fact I'm doing something that brings me fulfillment, happiness, and... if i'm lucky.. like-minded friends and their loyalty to me. 

But most importantly, I believe in the reward Allah has promised for kind people in the afterworld. And trust me.. Even if your kindness is disapproved by other people, the goodness will find its way back to you one way or another. It's God's words not mine (QS 17:7)

4. If you have to choose between being right and being kind, choose kind

If you choose to be kind, you will always be right. WHY?

The fact is, in most situations, there's no clear line between black and white. There's always 2 sides of the story. You may think something is wrong based on your perspective, but add in x,y,z factors then it becomes acceptable. Also, being wrong is part of learning, that's how we grow, and you'll always have an army of friends who'll support you if you're kind. However, if your relationship with people goes sour, quite frankly, no one will back you up if you mess up. 

Being kind here means you always try to maintain a positive emotion and empathy with other people. It doesn't mean you cannot correct someone else if they are in the wrong, especially if it involves other people's lives. But you can always tell them with kindness, not with anger and revenge like saying "i told you so". If it's not so important matter, then you can always just be kind. You may be right, but you may not be the right person to tell them.

I recently faced a situation where I wanted to give up being kind to someone because I had enough of his/her attitude. It frustrated me, angered me... so I sit down and write.. I hope whenever I feel like being kind is not worth it, I come back to this article and realign my mind again. Cause I will never know how far my kindness will go. What I know is that kindness will create a ripple effect where the person I'm being kind to will be kind to other people, and so on. 

Always remember, be kind not because other people are kind, but because YOU are.

The Little Things

In this quiet, overcast afternoon, you are here sleeping next to me. Your gentle breath touches my cheeks, your arms wrapped around my neck, as we lie hopelessly close to each other. I can hear your heartbeat in my ears over your chest. I could stare at your beautiful face all day. 

And then you open your eyes and tell me how beautiful I am. I smile back and look at our surroundings.

There's not a single day goes by without me thinking how blessed and lucky we are. That we have everything we need right within our reach. We have freedom to choose. We have time. 

And I have you.

The fact that you're here with me, breathing and living, is the greatest gift I can never get enough of. If one day we have to part, I wish it was just temporary. I pray to God to grant us health so we can live together for as long as we're allowed to. But if our time runs out, I hope that I have the strength to take care of you and make sure there's not a day that I live without showing you my love. I just hope it is strong enough to erase all your aches. 

So, focus on the little things we have. 

If we keep counting our blessing, we'll realize how many of our prayers have been answered.

Our life is perfect and don't let other people tell us otherwise.

Face Your Fear

A couple of days ago during my shift in the ER, a girl was brought in unconscious, or so the teacher said. She passed out suddenly during her class at school without prior complaint/symptom. At the ER, her vitals were stable, blood glucose was okay, all other physical examination was insignificant. I applied painful stimuli on her chest to try to wake her up which she did instantly. We gave her space and time to compose herself. Later on, we discovered she was having anxiety over a subject which was not actually her 'forte'. She was discharged fully awake but rather embarrassed, I guess. To top it off, my colleague told her, "when we have problems, we face it"

This is one of common malingering cases we face in the ER. I know my colleague meant well, but I always try not to preach or judge a fragile teenager straightforwardly (although I think she slightly deserved it for making people worried).

However, in this case I think I could empathize with her easily because I understand how it feels to have fears. Most of the time, it's not physical threats that we fear (like death & accident). It's everything that may demean our values that we fear the most. 

When we analyze our emotions, it's crucial that we understand our values first. In my simple terms, values are standards that we consider important and desire to achieve/be. It may vary from person to person, depending on their environment when they grow up, their role model, friends, etc. It may shift over time too as we get more mature or as more life events happen that change our direction.

I was raised by parents who concern about academic achievement (just like other parents, I assume). All my childhood I was indoctrinated that a good life starts from doing well in school. Then maybe, I could get into my desired major in a good uni. Then maybe, I could have a high-paying job. Then maybe, my prospective husband might be from an equally high socio-eco class either. Then, I could grow a family as I wish and prepare for a peaceful retirement. Of course, this is just one aspect of a good life. My parents also told me that I must develop noble characters & soft skills because we always need other people inevitably so interpersonal relationship is just as crucial.  

So, being a successful, well-rounded person has always been my value. I have to be smart but humble, serious but humorous, nerdy but sporty. modern but religious, all at the same time. It felt manageable at first, during my school-age, even during the first couple years of my uni days. Until my cohort became more specific and alike, i had a lot of work to handle and it was no longer possible to hold the idealistic idea of being "a perfect person" anymore. 

Before I finally succumbed to the fact that it's okay to not be perfect, I was always in an anxious state of failing everything; fail to get good grades, fail as a leader in a student body, fail to have any circle of friends that I belong to because they think I'm a freak, fail to win a scholarship, etc.

It's funny how every single one of my fears came true :)

I've been told that I'm dumb, incompetent, too stiff, selfish, mean, heartless by other people. I've been cursed publicly while people were staring and it was too shameful to remember. I've been rejected sooo many times. When it all happened, my values of being a perfect person was shaken. I have failed to meet the standard I made for myself. I became even more afraid and traumatize to experience the same disturbing feeling again. So I became more cautious and avoidant. I didn't want to do things unless I was confident enough to nail it. To be pretty honest, I'm never confident enough in everything I do haha! In the end, I never tried to do anything anymore. And without me realizing, it became a vicious cycle. 

My paradigm changed when I heard the concept of growth mindset. Simply put, our current state is not permanent. We can always grow and adapt as long as we want to try. Instead of focusing on the result, we need to focus more on the effort. Try not to put the end result as your core value. For example;

Instead of "I have to be smart", try "I want to stay curious"

Instead of "I have to make friends", try "I want to listen to people better"

So, whenever the outcome does not go according to plan, you can always say that the name is also effort (namanya juga usaha :)) Jokes aside, when we are effort-oriented, we depend our identity on progress rather than a fixed thing, therefore we are less stressed out or depressed.

Once I began to embrace this growth mindset, I started to try things that are out of my comfort zone. Of course I got to experience the uncomfortable feelings of not knowing things, adapting to new environment, facing challenging cases questioning my decision, being judged not good enough, getting less sleep and free time, etc. Not gonna lie, I almost gave up. But whenever it happen, I ensure myself that I'm not done yet, I'm a work in progress. Stay curious, ask, watch, listen, take notes, and evaluate. Be vulnerable. If you find toxic people along the way, just mind your own business. If they meddle with your life, just know that toxic people are there for a reason, to give you a life lesson. And if you can't find the courage to do things out of your comfort zone, just do it scared! Because our brain's main job is to keep us safe, not to keep us happy. So it exaggerates threats and makes it scarier to keep us alive when in fact, the threats are not that dangerous. 

Last but most important, always ask for guidance from Allah. He is the Best Disposer of all affairs. Whenever I'm anxious, I always ask myself, "and then, what?' all the way until I have no answer, nothing but Allah to depend on. Then, my mind would stop racing because I know He is there to catch me when I fall and pick me up when I'm down and He is the Best Planner. 

So.. that's how our comfort zone grows. Things that are used to be frightening will not be as scary anymore. And slowly you'll arrive at your destination!

Is Medicine Worth Pursuing?

Hello! Well I guess, it's about time for me to start writing again. I'm in dire need to get my mind straight and channel my old-friend anxiety into writings like I did during school and uni days.

There's a lot of things in my head that need to get out, but obviously I can't put them here altogether and make this writing lose its purpose. So, after reflecting on my thoughts and feelings for quite some time, I came up with this one big question I've been asking myself all along.

Is Medicine Worth All My Sacrifice?

Medicine is a grueling profession in which you are expected to show the best version of yourself all the time. As a doctor, you are looked up to a lot... by patients, by colleagues.. essentially everyone. There's almost no room for you to look confused and certainly no room to look dumb. 

Little do people understand, medicine is an everchanging profession and being a doctor is a life-long learning career. There will always be a knowledge gap.. something we cannot do. Meanwhile, we have this huge responsibility where other people's lives are at stake. 

I have been in a position where I feel powerless and feel not good enough no matter how hard I've tried. That feeling of not being good enough kills me inside and my toxic trait is that I cannot get over it overnight. The guilt and shame still haunts me and it's a perfect energy & happiness sucker. 

Have you ever made mistake and your mind constantly replay it in your head, making you relive the embarrassing moment from time to time? Well I have. I find myself stuck in a repeated loop of negative thoughts. But I believe I'm not the only one doing this, so.. you're welcome! (you should thank me for saying it out loud so you can validate your feelings :))

I thought, with more experience I will get used to this feeling. I'm partly right, though. I'm more used to it now, but it still feels terrible. It's uncomfortable to swallow my pride and admit my limitation.. This is usually where my imposter syndrome kicks in. But after talking to my husband, who's basically my shrink, the key is that I need to learn to read people so I get better at choosing whom I can be vulnerable with and ask for help. And that's where my learning curve goes exponential. A little tricks I figured myself, is I always tell myself that I am a work in progress :)

The pressure in medicine just doesn't stop there. But perhaps this one only applies in hospital/academic setting. It's an ancient human behavior, probably influenced by the colonial era... i present you... senior to junior abusive behavior aka bullying.

Why do senior doctors like to treat their junior or other staff (like nurse) badly? What's in it for them? Does it boost their ego? Is yelling and shouting necessary to create an effective communication? AREN'T WE A TEAM?

No matter how hard I try to justify their action in so many ways, there's not a single valid reason to talk to anyone in a disrespectful manner. I've experienced it first-hand and that time I was too stunned to speak. This type of person is manipulative, they like to use deceptive language to make you believe that you are at fault. They like to point fingers at others and make others feel guilty. I'm so tired of this kind of drama. Can we just leave our ego at the door and come to work as a team? But you know.. if this happens in a workplace, it's actually a sign of a failing management team and the HR department is probably closing one eye.

I cannot wrap my head around people who feel they are more superior than others.. that they have the right to control other people. Have you ever thought that :

1. The knowledge you have is not yours? In fact, nothing is ours. Allah can take whatever it is on us whenever He pleases. What if He suddenly gives you a stroke and you lose all the intelligence and skills you're very proud of? What if you're involved in an accident and become permanently disabled all in a blink of an eye? How would you feel to be on the other end that you abuse?

2. Does it ever occur to you that one day you're probably gonna need those juniors in your old days? One day you're gonna get old and you're probably gonna be treated by the junior doctors who make it into residency and becomes a geriatrician? or maybe one of your grandchildren has congenital anomaly and the only one who's competent to handle it is your junior doctor who turns to be a pediatric surgeon? 

With all the pressure, is it worth it to keep pursuing this career?

To be fair, I must explain the joy and the bright side of medicine too. 

I must say, I like seeing people and talk to them. But at the same time, I just realized that I like working with my hands. The thing is.. medicine has many branches. For now, my heart tells me to stay a bit longer, to pull through in the clinical setting. While I'm praying and waiting for a sign from Allah of which path to choose: bedside or non-bedside? or might as well pursue my climbing career?

I'm grateful that Allah has provided me with good sustenance, so I won't have to make a tough decision on my career, in a sense that I've nothing to lose if I resign from this job because I don't rely on it to earn money. I pray and pray that He always keeps my heart full in my high and low days. I pray to Him to keep me surrounded with good people and away from the bad ones. I pray to Him to protect me  from doing bad thing/zhalim to other people, including my patients and my colleagues cause wallahi, I hate people who are zhalim to others. 

And my mind is at peace whenever I remember Him because I know He won't desert me. I'm not the curer, but He is. And I always pray to Allah to give me the strength and ability to help whoever needs my help.

So, with the mental-health toll, high pressure + high risk work environment, and limited time for personal life... is medicine still worth it?

For now, my heart says it's still worth it. 

That's all for now. Don't hesitate to share your thoughts and leave a comment down below!

This Is Me Trying by T Swift

This song represents my current state. It resonates with my soul on every level and though it makes me sad, it makes me have a good cry, an outlet to all my emotional burden. She is, no-doubt, the best lyricist this generation ever had. 

Here are some of my favorite lines :

"I had the shiniest wheels now they're rusting" : I was so confident and happy, until my life became a tragedy. All the infertility and rejections.. drowned me. I was so naive to think that I was meant for a bigger plan, that some other doors are open for me because some doors are permanently closed. but now I'm not so naive anymore. I don't think I'll ever believe in happy ending anymore. 

"I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere " : this is basically me right now, I was way ahead of anyone else, or at least I thought so.. only to realized that I was running in circle which took me back to square one. 

"It's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound. It's hard to be anywhere at all when all I want is you": apparently I still have some healing to do before I can ever face the world again. I've been socially isolating myself from people I knew. They didn't do anything wrong. It's just that I'm not ready to face the reality that I will never be the same old person they used to know. The old me is gone, the same time I learned that I may never have children of my own.  

Thank you Taytay for making me feel seen and heard. And for those currently suffering in silence, i feel you, i see you. please don't hesitate to reach me out. I might not be the best listener or problem-solver, but at least we won't suffer alone. 

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This Is Me Trying 

I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here
Pourin' out my heart to a stranger
But I didn't pour the whiskey

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

And it's hard to be at a party
When I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days
When all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel
On the one screen in my town

And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying (maybe I don't quite know what to say)
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

Getting A Grip

Hello, guys! I finally have a chance to write again.

It's been 3 months since I moved to this beautiful paradise and I'm finally getting a grip of myself. As I mentioned before, it's a rather slow city. I thought I'd bore myself to death. Truth is, as I stepped out of my comfort zone, I began to perceive this situation differently.

Batam is a city of newcomers with a rate of 70%. In fact, as I am writing this blog thread in a decent local coffee shop, a lady sitting next to me is talking about her struggle adapting to the new environment with her friend. Apparently, she just moved from Singapore just like me! Sorry, I don't mean to eavesdrop, I guess I just have bionic ears :D So, to stitch it all together, I'm not the only one who suffers culture shock on this island!

I am a kind of kinetic person, so my boredom remedy has to be something physical. guess what? I tried an exciting sport, wall climbing!!! I first tried climbing when I was in Singapore (in October). I wish I had tried it as early as I arrived in Singapore so I'd have had much time experimenting. When I moved to Batam, I was low-spirited cause I couldn't find any climbing gyms like the ones in Singapore. However, Indonesia does have a federation for climbers. It is called the Federasi Panjat Tebing Indonesia/ Indonesia Wall Climbing Federation (FPTI). I followed their instagram account. And to my surprise, they do have FPTI branch Batam. I was enthusiastic cause I knew if they have FPTI branch, they must have some climbing venue to train. And I was right.

I contacted the secretary of FPTI Batam which I found on their web. She was actually astounded as to how could I find her number. She thought I was an athlete or something hahaha.. you bet.
So, I came to this neighborhood climbing venue. It is located in Kampung Air, Batam Center. It was built by a former athlete who now works in Batam. Those who live around the climbing wall are also climbers. I was amazed by how their world revolve around this wall. It's not a grand wall, not an indoor one but it's not bad to keep us practicing. However, if we ever want to succeed in a competition, we certainly need more than this.


This is how Venue Panjat Tebing Kampung Air looks like :

I was very happy to see it and to be welcomed by FPTI Batam. They provided everything I needed, shoes, chalk (though I do not use it cause I was still suck at climbing :p).

A couple of weeks later, my husband gave me a treat of 1 bouldering session in Singapore! I was ecstatic. We went bouldering with his office climbing club at Boulder+. Here's how it looks like:

As I knew I wouldn't get much bouldering opportunity, I tried my best to finish every route possible without a break! I worn myself out. Until I fell an unexpected fall and tear my right knee meniscus :"). I only knew 1 week later when all the pain on my body had subsided except for one on my right knee. Fortunately, my joint is stable which means the tear may not be substantial. I put on knee support most of the time as soon as I realized my meniscus was torn. After 1 week, it has progressed fast. Until my husband and I decided to go to Jakarta to visit my family. I knew I wouldn't get much climbing opportunity in a decent gym like those in Jakarta and Singapore, so I invited my nephews and niece over for a climb in Bremgra. I restricted myself only for rope climbing, as I wanted to avoid putting pressure on my right knees. I also wore my knee support to prevent second injury.

However, meniscus is very prone to injury and it takes weeks to fully recovered. Most of the time, it doesn't heal as new but our body just adapt to the injury and get used to the pain. Several days after the last climb, I had a bad knee again. This time I want to be patient. I want to wait and restrict physical activity for at least 4 weeks. I'm gonna focus on building up my hamstring and quadriceps muscles as well as my upper body muscles to get myself stronger for climbing.

Apart from climbing, I signed up for an IELTS preparatory class just so my brain won't freeze. The class is twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday from 6pm - 9pm. So far, I really enjoy the class since I've always enjoyed learning languages. Besides, I need an IELTS score to apply for a postgraduate program. Meanwhile, I have also sent my job application to local hospitals. I'm waiting to be contacted for an interview. Please wish me the best!

The fear of being left behind

Hi readers.. it's been years since I posted an article on my blog

Many things have changed during the last 3 years:
1. I have finished my medical study (so now I'm a licensed doctor..!! isn't that scary? :o)
2. I am married to a man of my dream (still have no kid, though)
3. I have moved from my lovely, jammed-everyday city --Jakarta-- to a nice, small island called Batam (google it! it's located just beside Singapore)

In a flash, it seems like I'm following "the ideal pathway" of an Asian girl : be a doctor, married at 25, live in a paradise island. But no..

I'm still thankful to God for giving me the best life I could ever wanted. But, adult-ing is surely not that easy.

The thing is.. I have not applied for any job currently. Why?! --> It's been 5 months since the last time I practiced my medical skill because I had to live in Singapore for a while, but I cannot practice there due to the regulation and stuff. You know, medicine -just like any other knowledge, follows the rule of "use it or lose it". I'm kinda like, losing my confidence a little bit and I just want to refresh my skill and knowledge before I get in gear again. But it turns out, I'm kinda stuck in my comfort zone (somebody please pull me up from this black hole :( )

But you know, living in a small island like Batam.. there aren't many thing you can do. Well actually there are.. but, not as much as I have back in Jakarta. It's where my alma mater is, I have a lot of network to create any project. But here, I'm starting over from scratch and the idea just scares me.
Believe me, I tried to make friends.. But the fear crept in again.

This is when I realize the importance of self control and determination. Where does all of my motivation go? Did I leave it in Jakarta? Did it fade away in Singapore?

It seems like I'm using so much excuses which I swore I'd never make. I did try to apply scholarships but got turned down several times, I did try to submit my work in a competition but still no luck. I think I'm kinda exhausted from all the rejections that I received and I slowly became 'numb' to my ambitious dreams and goals, stucked in my comfort zone where I will never have to taste failure. Meanwhile, I saw my friends' progressing with their lives; having a job, hanging out with a few best friends, raising up adorable children, participating in prestigious conferences, pursuing a master degree in a reputable university, etc (thanks for dragging me here, inst*gr*m)

I'm lying if I say I do not envy them. But it's not their achievements that I envy of. It's the energy and determination to keep doing the things they love. Meanwhile, look at me.. I'm a useless scholar that can't even reproduce. It's only the beginning of 2020 but I'm already feeling desperate.

I know that sooner or later I'm going to catch up again, but baby steps this time. It's just not me to live in a self-disdain like this forever. But I'm documenting this feeling cause I know at some point in our lives, bad things happen and it's okay. It's just life. Yea, I'm feeling crappy today but not for the rest of my life.