This Is Me Trying by T Swift

This song represents my current state. It resonates with my soul on every level and though it makes me sad, it makes me have a good cry, an outlet to all my emotional burden. She is, no-doubt, the best lyricist this generation ever had. 

Here are some of my favorite lines :

"I had the shiniest wheels now they're rusting" : I was so confident and happy, until my life became a tragedy. All the infertility and rejections.. drowned me. I was so naive to think that I was meant for a bigger plan, that some other doors are open for me because some doors are permanently closed. but now I'm not so naive anymore. I don't think I'll ever believe in happy ending anymore. 

"I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere " : this is basically me right now, I was way ahead of anyone else, or at least I thought so.. only to realized that I was running in circle which took me back to square one. 

"It's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound. It's hard to be anywhere at all when all I want is you": apparently I still have some healing to do before I can ever face the world again. I've been socially isolating myself from people I knew. They didn't do anything wrong. It's just that I'm not ready to face the reality that I will never be the same old person they used to know. The old me is gone, the same time I learned that I may never have children of my own.  

Thank you Taytay for making me feel seen and heard. And for those currently suffering in silence, i feel you, i see you. please don't hesitate to reach me out. I might not be the best listener or problem-solver, but at least we won't suffer alone. 

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This Is Me Trying 

I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here
Pourin' out my heart to a stranger
But I didn't pour the whiskey

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

And it's hard to be at a party
When I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days
When all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel
On the one screen in my town

And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying (maybe I don't quite know what to say)
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

At least I'm trying