Nothingness

If you're looking for a post that will inspire you, this might not be it

But I promise, this is also not a rant or a complaint either

Lately I've been feeling unmotivated

Quick catch up: I'm in the middle of neuropsychiatry rotation which is honestly another word for mental-health-check rotation a.k.a holiday, we name our whatsapp group so.

Some of my colleagues say I should enjoy this moment to the fullest, just live in the present, go outside of town, refresh my mind. Others would say I should finish my "homework" because this is the only moment I get to have so much time

But I found myself caught in the middle of both. The "surprising" nature of residency makes it hard for me to plan ahead, whether to plan a holiday trip or anything else. There are just too many unexpected factors (my rotation-mate, my shift schedule, etc). So apparently this weekend (this very LONG weekend) where I could have gone out of town or maybe abroad, have to be spent in town WITHOUT my husband cause he already bought a train ticket to Solo last month and it already sold out by the time I decided I could join. But I'm glad and grateful I still got to go to WAHOO last week with my friends. It was an amazing trip, JUJURR

So I just stay at my parents' house this long weekend and turns out, it's just what i needed. 

Neuropsychiatry modules have been going on for 2 weeks, I should have used it to finish my presentation and study for the upcoming exam, but I crippled. I have been having this HUGE mental block lately.

Long story short, I don't know what I want to do anymore. My goals don't seem as interesting as it was. Even climbing and tennis don't seem as exciting. I feel nothing, I'm stuck. 

I want something

I want the old sarah who's full of ideas and always motivated, the old sarah who always gives 100%. Not necessarily have to achieve the big things, no. 

I just want the old sarah who knows what she wants, creates plans to achieve it and demonstrates grit and discipline in executing it. As I stay in my house, the very house which I grew up in for the first 25 years of my life, I'm kind of reminded of what the old sarah used to do.

1. More Reading, Less Screen Time

The old sarah (in her school era) who stayed focus and motivated, spent most of her time drowning in books. At first she just wanted a peaceful environment in the library cause the class felt too loud. Then, a book with cute cover caught her attention. It was a novel. She read the first chapter, not expecting it to be intriguing. Then she finished it. She started looking for another one, then suddenly renting another 3, 4 books per week. It started from novels, then came religious books, self help books, and non-fictions. And that's where her focus and imagination blooms. 

I don't know when this reading habit started to fade, but with the growing technology, somewhere along the way I turned myself to movies and social media to unwind from the routine. I can't blame the inventor of these, cause in the end, user discretion is advised. It's up to me whether I want to use it for a greater good/purpose or just to kill time and satisfy my dopamine addiction

I must admit that I have a very poor self-control and everytime I open instagram, I keep wanting for more attention and interaction from my followers. It's grueling and cruel. I'm not covering this fact cause I'm trying to stay raw and authentic as possible in all my writings (it's my purpose). I'm sure some of my readers feel the same way too. 

I believe that we, human, is a collection of what we choose to do. So earlier last week, I chose to deactivate my instagram account and decided that whenever I feel like expressing myself, I should write on this blog instead (the old sarah liked to write too, just look at those silly writings from before 2012)

2. Pray Harder

When I'm at my parents' house, I feel a dramatic change of vibes. Here, I feel like I'm drawn closer to Allah. My parents, in their late 60s, are enrolled in islamic online classes studying the Quran and Arabic. I used to enrolled in one of the classes too, but of course... I dropped out because my lack of commitment hehe. But my parents do take it seriously. Here, they don't play music or turn on the TV, instead they read the Quran. Whenever I start their car, the radio tuned in is either broadcasting kajian Islam or murattal. Every morning feels calm and peaceful.

I remember that the old sarah was very pious. Allah moved her heart to do good deeds and when she cut herself some slack and do what's forbidden, bad things happen to her so she didn't dare. But somewhere along the way, with the little habitual changes and excuses, I strayed away from the right path. And look at me now.. Look at how far I've strayed away from Allah now :"

The old sarah used to keep a very long dua cause she had so many to ask. But I've been using "busy" as an excuse for my lack of ibadah. The old sarah was busy too, you know. But she felt incomplete if she misses the dhuha prayer. I realize that whenever my relationship with Allah weakens, my affairs fall apart, my relationship with other human being around me is also poor. Because you know, if Allah likes you, He will command all the living and non living creatures on earth and in the sky including the malaikat to like you too.

But let me tell you 1 heartfelt fact, Sar

Do you know that He loves you so much? No matter how bandel you are right now, He loves you and He's been calling you to go home? He puts this emptiness and uneasiness in your heart, for what? for you to realize your mistake and come back to Him. So sar, please return to Him. Ramadhan is coming soon insyaa Allah, let's use this as a momentum to be a better muslimah. Make dua for you to be istiqomah

Yesterday I watched a khutbah by NAK about lack of motivation and depression, and it really resonates with me. He teaches a beautiful dua taken from Al Imran 147. I used to memorize this dua but again of course, I forgot about it. But it's nice that I stumble upon it again. Here it goes :

رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا ذُنُوْبَنَا وَاِسْرَافَنَا فِيْٓ اَمْرِنَا وَثَبِّتْ اَقْدَامَنَا وَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكٰفِرِيْنَ

“Our Lord! Forgive our sins and excesses, make our steps firm, and grant us victory over the disbelieving people.

Yaa Allah, forgive my extreme decisions, all my "berlebih-lebihan" actions, my spontaneous urge to do all the bad things you forbid me, be it in the name of having fun or learning. I admit my sin and wrongdoings. Please plant the calmness, the focus, and the firmness in my head and my heart again. Please guide me, please forgive me