It's Me, I'm the Problem

Hey, I'm at the end of my first residency rotation and I'm glued to my laptop, freezing, unable to finish my report. The case I'm going to present is a very interesting one, albeit missing some key examinations which makes me doubt whether this is a good case to discuss or not. Along the days after caring for this patient, I grew to know him and his family personally. I followed him even after his admission in my department ended. To the point where his surgery was due and his post op complication arose. Even until his final moments came and he eventually passed away, I was shattered. It was an elective surgery and we expected the best. 

But why am I freezing now? Is it because I'm afraid that I'm unable deliver the case well and miss the essence of this case? Or is it because I'm afraid to be labelled as inadequate by my supervisor? Why is it so hard for me to analyze and write? why?! ugh. I feel like I'm going no where and keep down-spiraling uncontrollably. I'm so afraid to let people down even when I'm aware that if I keep doing this, I'm gonna let them down even more.

Familiar Comfort

I don't even know where to start. This post has been on my draft since January but I never had the courage to finish it. But since you've already made the call, it's water under the bridge now.

I dedicate this post to my colleagues (you know who you are) and to the beautiful city that forever holds a special place in my heart. I may forget what I did there in detail and what my life was like back there, but trust me, the feeling lasts forever in my heart, it's called comfort. And I'm never afraid to admit to people or whoever read this that yes, my life has been comfortable and it doesn't mean I'm weak. I'm sorry if yours are not. And here's a tribute to people who have made it all possible as a sign of gratitude, respect, and love.

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Flashback - 6mo ago

I remember saying "If I got accepted, I will feel happy but not sure about the responsibility that comes along with it. If I don't get accepted, maybe I will be sad, but I'm glad because that means I can spend more time with you. Then, you replied, "I hope you get accepted. You will handle the responsibility better than the disappointment." It's just one of the many times you encourage me with positive affirmation, that everything will be fine, I am going to be just fine. 

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Flashback - 2yrs ago

I really like to start my story with flashbacks. Two years ago, I thought I would never return to practice again. My career pause which was meant to be a year stretched into 3 years and I felt too far behind to catch up with the skills and competence that my gold fish memory could retain. I was ready to give up my dream of becoming a neurologist. I was kind of frustrated, but I decided to make dua for a whole month during Ramadhan 2022 for Allah to open a door for me, be it getting a degree or start working again. Anything to get me out of the nothingness. Bear in mind, at that time I wasn't sure what I wanted and I didn't prepare myself for anything. I think it was only a fear of missing out cause I felt stuck while my friends were progressing with their career or their family. At the end of Ramadhan, I saw a job vacancy ads on telegram. With little preparation, I signed up and everything started to fall into places just whoosh like that. Another answered prayer.

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Flashback - Day 1 in Batam 

I remember the second time I set foot on Batam, I was nervous and felt a lil heavy for leaving my comfort zone, Singapore, where my life was hassle-free. Yes, I did take online courses and remote job occasionally, but they weren't long-term commitment. That time I was really into climbing and I was at my peak performance... and I left. Silly me. But again, I thought, the joy of climbing only lasted while the adrenaline's there. Once it's flushed away, I'd go home from the gym feeling empty and underachieving. So I took the big leap and left my dearest Singapore. 

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Flashback - Day 1 at work

As I said, 3 years off the clinical practice made me sweat bucket everytime I go to work. "Will I make a correct diagnosis? Will I remember all the dosage for children? Will the specialist accept my consult?" Fortunately, you had the mercy to place me at the ward for a couple of months and assigned me for low-risk cases instead of loaded me with difficult cases that I wasn't capable of just yet. I don't see this as an underestimation, I see this as a gesture of understanding. Another unexpected turn (but in a good way) was that my old school friend happened to work at the same hospital (Yet, another help from Allah. He knew I needed it). I remember having a premature neonate coming out blue and not breathing and I had to resuscitate and intubate the baby. I was trembling and I wasn't sure I could do it, so I called for help. It was my colleague who responded and he was so ready to lend me a hand. I will never forget that.

Slowly, I made friends with my colleagues. We discussed cases together, we helped each other out when the ED was crowding or when the ward needed more help. I will never forget the breakfast we had every Tuesday morning, I always looked forward to it. We began to bond inside and outside the hospital. We went to the beach, the cafe. We hiked for the first time in my life and I will never forget the excitement that made me lose sleep the night before. We vented and complained about the shitty system (but we did it anyway). We shared our dreams and visions.. All these memories I'll never forget. I feel like when I'm in Batam, the intimacy among my friends, the city, and the nature is palpable. Everything feels more romantic. 

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My presence might be insignificant to you. I'm just like other people who's come and gone in the past. But to me, this whole experience has left a deep impression in my life. You changed the way I see life and relationships. I never imagined a life so peaceful, yet fulfilling. You brought hope into my heart that I will not spend the rest of my life lonely. What did I do in the past to deserve good souls like you as my friends? This mere post doesn't do me justice as I'm struggling to find the right word for my feelings. But you know deep down I miss you terribly. What makes me scared is not knowing whether in 4-5 years when I come back, it will all be the same that we won't grow apart. But, I will be fine, just like you said. Even if one day we reunite but we grow apart, I'm still grateful for the thing we had in the last 2 years. It was real and I'll always cherish that period of my life.

Finally, after coming back and forth with the reality for almost 5 months, I have come to terms that this chapter of my life has ended no matter how hard I try to preserve it. I can only stall the transition, but it will eventually come to an end. It was hard to leave the life you love the most, but there's no other way but to move forward. Looking back, I find it very hard to leave a peaceful mind and genuine friends. But, as you assured me before I left, "You will find comfort and a new family in your new place, Sarah". I believe in that, so let this post be a reminder that if we do good, we'll be a magnet for good people too. Kindness goes a long way. I felt anxious and lonely when I arrived in Batam too, but in the end it turned out to be so good that I'm attached to it. So maybe I would feel the same way when my study ends too. 

I hope you remember me everytime you see coffee, a climbing wall, or a bronze car. I don't know which one hurts more, me leaving you or me being forgotten by you. Till we meet again, my sweet paradise.

Time Does Not Heal

March 2020

I was signed up to the grief club which no one wanted to be a part of. We were there not by choice, yet we were chosen.

I never imagined my life would turn upside down in a split second. One moment I was doing chores in the kitchen, feeling so excited about the day and then my phone beeped just to shatter my world to pieces. I still remember the feeling, the disbelief when I saw the report.. 

My poor husband didn't know what it meant back then. He didn't understand why I froze up and bit my tongue. But in that moment, my thoughts had already traveled to the next 5-10 years of our lives.. Quiet.

I didn't know if I could smile a genuine smile after that day. I didn't know if I could talk about this reality without breaking up. It was a dark, cold day with no end in sight. What made it harder is that people didn't see the scar. 

Tell me.. how can I lose something I never have?

Dec 2023

I didn't know I'd be where I am today (I mean, in a good way). It doesn't hurt so bad like the first time though it still stings sometimes.

No, actually..

It hurts everytime.. 

It hurts every month

But the difference is, now I can smile. The sun shines the same like it has always been, but I can feel its warmth. I even think my life is more meaningful now as I realized that grief and gratitude can co-exist at the same time. A combination I didn't know is totally fine and make sense. And that grief doesn't require you to have someone or something physically taken away from you. It can be a loss of a dream, a future you always wanted. 

It makes me wonder.. what pulled me out of that hole? Does time really heal the pain like people say? 

If I didn't drag my lazy ass to try climbing, would I overcome the dark days and find out that my body is capable of doing amazing things?

If I didn't force myself to apply for the job despite experiencing the lowest self-esteem I ever had in my life, would I ever be where I am today, having the greatest friends that I needed most?

If I didn't pour my heart out and beg for ONE sign.. just ONE sign that my life is worthy.. would I be where I am today? 

Imagine having a wound and you don't clean it, you don't take a proper care for it. Do you think the wound will heal over time or will it get infected?

Time alone is meaningless. It's what we do during that period of time that matters cause it's always about the effort, not the time.

I'm writing this because the next few days will be a life-changing moment for me. Today might or might not be my last shift in the ER in this hospital. Or.. I might have a new addition to my collection of scars. I'm anxious and afraid to fall into the dark, cold place like I did before. 

So this post is a reminder that emotions are temporary. With a little kindness, gratitude, and self-love, you can always walk with the pain. You can wear the failure like a badge on your chest. So, let the reality come, face it and accept it with open arms. What is meant for you will always come to you anyway. I hope your heart will always be full of hope and kindness.

Your score doesn't define you. Your heart does. 

Embrace The Suck

I'm a kind of person who believes that there's always a silver lining in bad things that happen. But I forgot how miserable it feels to sit with negative emotions until today. I forgot how demoralizing it is to face self-disdain, when I act the way I always hate when other people do it, that is when one becomes an egocentric-know-it-all person.

After letting it sink for quite some time, I admit that I had probably not taken the wisest decision, nor had I handle my ego well last night. I let my ego blur the line between being brave and being reckless, between trying to save people and trying to prove myself, and between not wanting to let people down and wanting people to respect me. I can't believe I'm disgusted by my own actions. 

Right now it seems so tempting to talk to a friend who would listen to my side of the story and defend me. But I realize that an external validation only nourishes victim mentality, another trait that I really dislike. What I actually need right now is to sit with this feeling defenseless, embrace it, own it.. own my mistake and grow. 

The truth it, I wouldn't be this miserable if what he said wasn't true. I don't care if he calls me names. Anyone can call me anything, I don't care. But I care about my mistake that he pointed out and how it might actually be true. And to make things worse, I let my prejudice got in the way by judging instead of listening to my friends. A mistake I swore to never make, be biased. 

It occurs to me that maybe the reason why I feel so proud of myself is because I'm losing my connection with Allah, therefore I feel able and self-reliant. Maybe I forgot that human is flawed and weak and needs God to depend on. So here I am cleaning up this mess, first and foremost, with istighfar.. for letting You down, for depending on me instead of You alone. Thank You for sending me signals to come home to You when I'm starting to lose my way in this world. 

Then of course, I couldn't shake this feeling away by making him a villain. So Mr. Samurai, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for keeping me grounded and pruning my ego. I truly appreciate it, I really do. The wounded me right now may have a hard time seeing it through but I believe the future me will be very grateful it happened this way. And to my friends, I'm sorry if I've been a arsehole. I would be really glad if you'd maybe give me a chance to start over? 

Lastly, to the girl I see in the mirror. As much as you hate to be counted out of the equation, you must count people in. Their view and opinion matters. Their side of the story matters regardless of who they are. I know it seems like the worst timing to feel miserable about yourself when you need to focus on another thing, but trust me, this is actually the perfect timing to re-center your moral compass. Last night was insane and you've done your best. No one could have survived it better than you. 

You might have made a bad decision but you are NOT a bad person <3